how long has your poly family survived?

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how long has your poly family survived? - 5/15/2005 11:24:34 AM

lilkitty

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I hear alot of people saying that poly families are great and they work great as long as everyone is honest. Honesty is not always easy to accept, people like to think they can hear their lover say I love you but I want to fuck our friends Dom because his dick is longer than yours. Honesty is hurts sometime and most people are not strong enough to handle the pain and then a rift starts then its over. What do you do if you are in a poly and you start getting bored with the same two lovers? As the Dom you just go collect another sub, but what about the sub? Are most polys NOT BDSM?

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RE: how long has your poly family survived? - 5/15/2005 11:32:18 AM

realman4u

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lilkitty

I hear alot of people saying that poly families are great and they work great as long as everyone is honest. Honesty is not always easy to accept, people like to think they can hear their lover say I love you but I want to fuck our friends Dom because his dick is longer than yours. Honesty is hurts sometime and most people are not strong enough to handle the pain and then a rift starts then its over. What do you do if you are in a poly and you start getting bored with the same two lovers? As the Dom you just go collect another sub, but what about the sub? Are most polys NOT BDSM?

In my opinion a true poly realationship should allow ALL to choose who to bring into a realtionship. However, with that being said each poly realtionship has their own rules that should be negotiated beforehand.

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RE: how long has your poly family survived? - 5/15/2005 1:03:44 PM

stormsfate

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Joined: 2/1/2005
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So far, nine months :) To us, its not about the sexual aspects...although it is hot <grin>. I love the emotional bond, the sharing, the feeling of togetherness and closeness. Even after all of these years, we (my owner and I) are continually exploring new levels, so boredom isn't a factor. When everyone is on the same page, it isn't hurtful in the least and I very much enjoy that feeling of NRE (new relationship energy). I would love for him to come to me and say he met someone he would like to introduce me too...lol.

Just to clarify, though...vision is the only person we have been involved with (in any aspect), as we aren't casual players. While we have met several other people, so far, the fit just hasn't been there. Without that connection, any potential interest just fizzles out. V lives several hours from us so we don't get to be with her as often as we would like. If she lived in the same town, I strongly doubt that the issue of opening the relationship would ever come up. As it is, while we aren't looking, if we met someone who was a good fit and lived locally, the possibility of opening the relationship exists.

I don't know that there are any statistics, but for all the it is becoming more common in the bdsm community, I have found that there seem to be many more vanilla polys.

best regards,
f

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RE: how long has your poly family survived? - 5/15/2005 5:33:34 PM

ScooterTrash

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Joined: 1/24/2005
From: Indiana
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quote:

Are most polys NOT BDSM?

Not? I don't think so, although poly is simply a dynamic and I could see where it may work in a nilla atmosphere...I don't see it, but I'm not saying it couldn't. I don't know where the boredom thing would come in though if at all actually, and I would think certainly less actually in a poly relationship than in a monogamous one. If a Dom/me is getting bored in a poly household they need to do some serious assessment, in my opinion. After all, it has built in variation by the shear number of participants. Our situation is a tad different (I know, this is old news but I have to explain again), we are a Dom/me couple, so our relationship with each other is more traditional (not nilla though, winks) but we have subs also. We don't get bored with each other by a long shot and agree on sub selection, so a lot of the problems are solved initially. Getting that selection right is tough though..you have to find just the right chemistry. I agree though if there are going to be multiple subs in the mix, that the existing one(s) should certainly have a say so also though.

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RE: how long has your poly family survived? - 5/15/2005 9:14:27 PM

MsPurrmeow

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How long have we survived? I wouldn't say we "survive", I'd say that we thrive. In fact, we've thrived for nearly a decade now. I've known other people with long-term families, and I see some aspect of D/s in all of them whether they admit it or not. Someone has to take management of each aspect fo family life. It may take years to figure out where each persons strengths are, but pretending that no one is stronger, smarter, etc than any other just isn't helpful.

As for the original question, yes Doms can go find other partners, but so can submissives. Submissives often have relationships with other submissives, switches, nillers, or even Tops. Looking at it optimistically, that's a great lead to bringing in other Doms and starting a big ol' Poly/kinky household, which is all good.

... and about honesty, it IS that importnat. if the only reason a person wants to fuck someone else is the size of their dick, then say it out loud. Your partner deserves to know that you are that shallow even if they didn't know it before. Making things verbal cues in the possiblity of clearing up hidden feelings. Every single lie, secret or hidden feeling is the end of the relationship just waiting to happen.

Purr

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RE: how long has your poly family survived? - 5/16/2005 5:52:10 AM

EmeraldSlave2

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Well the Owner has been with two of his partners for over a decade at this point.

But each of us in the relationship is encouraged to have other partners and those have come and gone and changed and evolved constantly. I'm a rather new addition only being with him for a year and a half at this point.

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RE: how long has your poly family survived? - 5/21/2005 8:40:32 AM

loki68

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AFAIK, most poly people are not into BDSM.

I also question the assumption that the only measure of success for a relationship is its longevity. If it lasts as long as it needs to and all parties grow while involved, why is it a success if it lasts ten years and a failure if it lasts one?

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RE: how long has your poly family survived? - 5/22/2005 8:01:22 AM

rufus1969

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Alas, we are about to celebrate the 60 day mark. We have already grown and learned and changed in such a short time. We used a written contract to govern the family so as to have a benchmark. We are going to sign a written contract again for the next six months...this contract looks drastically different from the first. Is this poly family going to continue? Absolutely, we are all committed to each other, in happiness, in sadness, during arguments, and during play. I posted in my journal "Dogs underfoot, smelly diapers, teenagers from another planet, bratty wenches, and Spongebob on TV...why would anyone voluntarily inflict this upon themselves? You would have to be there to understand." We are happy.

Paul Joseph

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RE: how long has your poly family survived? - 5/22/2005 8:02:44 AM

rufus1969

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Second topic, are we BDSM? Yeap.

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RE: how long has your poly family survived? - 5/23/2005 1:46:48 AM

MsMacComb

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My longest was about a year and a half. I usually shoot for at least a year. With many, longer than that and I grow tired of them. :)

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RE: how long has your poly family survived? - 6/3/2005 1:31:40 PM

DominateCouple1

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HI all
We have had a poly life for several yrs now and it takes alot to do but is done with honesty and loyalty. We are both dominate and own a slavegirl and have had no issues for over 4 yrs now and are doing very well. But it is hard to find the match to make it work.

Renee and Bill

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RE: how long has your poly family survived? - 6/3/2005 11:24:55 PM

SweetDommes

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Ours is over a year old (almost 1.5 years). We have obviously had our ups and downs, but something that most people don't think about with the whole "totally honest" thing ... there is also such a thing as tact. I would never say to one of our boys "I love you, but so-and-sos dick is bigger, so I wanna fuck him" ... that would never be my criteria for wanting to play with someone (vanilla or BDSM) anyway.

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RE: how long has your poly family survived? - 6/8/2005 7:27:24 AM

AlphaGeek

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From: Charlottesville, VA, but in Orlando for a temp job
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lilkitty, good topic!

To answer the first question, my household (a 'nilla/bdsm mixed mfm vee) has been together for 5 years now. With the exception of my recent temp job, we've been under one roof for that entire time.

Wanting to fuck someone is different from loving them, love being a crucial element in polyamory. I think that question might be better poised to swingers than polypeople. The dynamics are different. Communicating with your spice that you want to get a piece is pretty different from proposing a new member be brought into a family. Some of the underlying complexities are the similar though. The jealousy and greed that some find to be stopping blocks to polyamory would also be potential problems in swinging. Those feeings would have to be dealt with in order for the existing (and new) relationships to stay healthy.

As to your question of "what do you do if..." Was there any decison made at the beginning of this hypothetical relationship that said "we'll be the only ones in it.. ever"? Relationships chage over time, sometimes they strengthen, sometimes they weaken. The same is true of the internal bonds in a poly grouping.

As to numbers, I strongly suspect that the pagan crownd has us kinksters beat (of course the pun was intended!) on numbers of poly families. There's lots more information about polyamory on web sites related to that spiritual path than on kink sites, and the bulk of the stuff on kink sites seems to be more aimed at uberdoms that want to start a ranch full of free range subbies, or some other "collection" scenario. I'd scarcely consider that a family, but that's just me. :-P

Hope I have't rambled too much! Further discussion, y'all?

AG

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilkitty

I hear alot of people saying that poly families are great and they work great as long as everyone is honest. Honesty is not always easy to accept, people like to think they can hear their lover say I love you but I want to fuck our friends Dom because his dick is longer than yours. Honesty is hurts sometime and most people are not strong enough to handle the pain and then a rift starts then its over. What do you do if you are in a poly and you start getting bored with the same two lovers? As the Dom you just go collect another sub, but what about the sub? Are most polys NOT BDSM?

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