Collarchat.com

Join Our Community		 As the Collar Turns:
 Collarchat.com - BDSM Forum

Home  Login  Event Calendars  Search 
Espanol  Deutsch  Francais  Italiano  Portugues 

help please


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive/Slave >> help please Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
help please - 9/12/2005 11:19:53 AM   
solesta


Posts: 18
Joined: 7/3/2005
Status: offline 		How does a slave get pass the fear of asking for a need to be helped with ? Weather it is as simple as needing a hug to help moving something cause her body isn't able to ?? How does she know that her needs what ever they are are not something that is bad ?? I lived 6 years with a man ( not of the lifestyle ) that I got to the point that i was afraid of asking for help. Now I have a Master that is upset that I don't so how does one ask ??
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: help please - 9/12/2005 11:27:55 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3610
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		It's like any habit that needs breaking and rebuilding a new habit. There's also a large layer of insecurity of a) sounding/being needy b) being a nuisance to someone else instead of helping them c) admitting you can't do it all yourself.

Those are hard things to break, I know *I* have problems with it myself. Be aware of the habit, notice when you do it. Make a conscious effort to stop the insecurities from arising. Sometimes it's good to just say "I really want to ask for help but I can't stand doing that" because it puts it out there and you can't push it away.

I'm sorry your master is upset, why don't you two sit down together and work out a flexible training schedule to help you? What specific things does he want you to ask help for? What situations can you start out small with that can help give you practice for the larger things? Are there little reassurances he can give you, or that you can give to yourself, that can help you overcome your insecurities?

You're his slave, and he wants you to learn new behaviors, it's his responsiblity to help train you to get there.

(in reply to solesta)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: help please - 9/12/2005 1:16:00 PM   
Ceyx


Posts: 11
Joined: 8/23/2005
Status: offline 		Just a small point, but are there perhaps forms of address that might make you feel more comfortable asking for help, or for things that you need? If your Master wants that kind of input, then it's clearly fine from his end; the difficulty would seem to be in going about things in a way that won't upset you or make you self-conscious.

Phrasing can be a great mental aid. "If you would permit it, Sir, I would like..." as opposed to, "Hey, I need..."

You'll want to talk it over with your Master, of course, but every little thing....

(in reply to solesta)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: help please - 9/12/2005 5:23:30 PM   
carefulsub


Posts: 31
Joined: 3/7/2005
Status: offline 		I have found that after this kind of relationship it took me time to ask anything. I know that it is hard to ask but personally I started with little things. I began to trust again and that was the start of a very beautiful relationship.

careful

(in reply to Ceyx)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: help please - 9/12/2005 9:14:14 PM   
mystictryst


Posts: 89
Joined: 9/6/2005
Status: offline 		I've found that I'm still not totally comfortable coming out right and asking for "stuf" (whether it's for a drink of water or more)... But we've devised a "method" that works for me and Master is ok with... I just hint at what I want...

For example, if I am thirsty and want a drink, I'll say "I should go upstairs and get a drink." then I usually sigh, he'll ask me "Would you like me to get you a drink?" and then I can smile at him and nod.. I don't have to ask outright but he still knows what I need/want... It's just the way that works us, hopefully you can find yours too...

Make sure tho, that he knows the way.. !! :) Sit and talk honestly with him, it might be helpful to explain why you aren't comfortable asking - even if he is different in a million ways from your previous relationship, your past conditioning needs to be retrained and that takes time... I would think he would understand that.. Demanding a new behaviour from a person never works, it takes time and patience and kindness and love... Be patient with yourself too!

(in reply to solesta)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: help please - 9/13/2005 6:46:21 AM   
ChereeAmoor


Posts: 184
Joined: 8/1/2005
Status: offline 		Like eating any other elephant, you do it one bite at a time. Start with little things and work your way up.

If you ask for a hug or a glass of water or 10 extra minutes to relax, you just might get it! If you don't get it - which, frankly, I cannot IMAGINE asking for a hug and not getting one unless you have been VERY VERY bad - it isn't the end of the world.

I am permitted to ASK for anything at all. Getting, however, is a completely different story!

(in reply to solesta)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: help please - 9/13/2005 7:11:09 AM   
krikket


Posts: 380
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
Status: offline 		Due to physical limitations i now have, i'm been forced to swallow my pride and ask for help, whether it's moving something heavy, a ride someplace i've always been able to get to on my own, etc. It's not even a sub thing for me, it's just a life thing. Although submissive to my core, i was raised to be an independent woman, who can take care of me and my own, with limited help, if i needed to. One of the hardest things i've done lately was tell my bosses that i was physically unable to help with an office move (packing/moving boxes) -- i've never had to refuse to do anything a boss asked me to do professionally. i'm not used to it, i don't like it, but i now have no choice in the matter. Recently one of my kids told me that he felt like he was failing me when i wouldn't ask him for help, told me he wasn't a mind reader, and that since we don't live together he's not around to observe or jump in just cuz i won't ask. Perhaps You Master feels the same, and also wants You to learn this special lesson. i've found that it's so much easier to offer help than to receive it...

just a thought..

_____________________________

We could learn a lot from crayons: Some are sharp, some pretty, some dull, or have weird names, and all are different colors, but all have to learn to live in the same box.

Cor ad cor loquitur (Heart speaks to heart)


(in reply to solesta)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: help please - 9/13/2005 8:40:49 AM   
DrkAngl


Posts: 141
Joined: 4/9/2005
Status: offline 		You could maybe ask your master the best ways to ask. Have him give you some examples. If he's as caring as he seems from your words, then he will probably oblidge in some way, shape or form.

(in reply to krikket)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: help please - 9/13/2005 11:34:37 AM   
FTopinMichigan


Posts: 571
Joined: 7/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: solesta

How does a slave get pass the fear of asking for a need to be helped with ? Weather it is as simple as needing a hug to help moving something cause her body isn't able to ?? How does she know that her needs what ever they are are not something that is bad ?? I lived 6 years with a man ( not of the lifestyle ) that I got to the point that i was afraid of asking for help. Now I have a Master that is upset that I don't so how does one ask ??


Interesting, as I was wondering the same thing...but as a dominant lady...I hate to ask for help, or to show that I may be vulnerable, or even in "need." I recently suffered a great loss and hated for anyone to see me anything but strong. It only hurt me more actually, as they didn't know I was hurting. I didn't ask for help, and they didn't know I was desperate for it.

This can be an issue for all of us.

Thanks for starting this thread, as I'm enjoying the responses.

K

(in reply to solesta)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: help please - 9/13/2005 4:53:03 PM   
ligar59


Posts: 1
Joined: 9/11/2005
Status: offline 		Well if you have problems verbalizing, how about a note?

(in reply to solesta)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: help please - 9/15/2005 10:02:59 AM   
solesta


Posts: 18
Joined: 7/3/2005
Status: offline 		thank you all who have helped. I think my bigest problem is the fact that I'm not only trying to prove to him but also myself that i can do what I was able to do before the accident. And I built myself up to not need anyone for 7 years and now to have a Master that wants to be so in to my life is strange. I had guy friends but when I hurt about anything they never knew nor cared and to me that was fine, but now I have a Master what wants to know my every feeling and all. And I want to show him them but there is a part of me that still wants to not bother him with it. I guess one day I'll stop this type of " taking control " of my self and learn to give him all of me no matter how crazy it feels.

(in reply to ligar59)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: help please - 9/15/2005 10:14:50 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3610
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: solesta

thank you all who have helped. I think my bigest problem is the fact that I'm not only trying to prove to him but also myself that i can do what I was able to do before the accident. And I built myself up to not need anyone for 7 years and now to have a Master that wants to be so in to my life is strange. I had guy friends but when I hurt about anything they never knew nor cared and to me that was fine, but now I have a Master what wants to know my every feeling and all. And I want to show him them but there is a part of me that still wants to not bother him with it. I guess one day I'll stop this type of " taking control " of my self and learn to give him all of me no matter how crazy it feels.

So what have you decided to DO? Saying "I guess one day..." really doesn't change anything.

(in reply to solesta)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: help please - 9/15/2005 10:52:28 AM   
Hallittlelolita


Posts: 253
Joined: 8/11/2005
Status: offline 		If a Master is caring and you ask for somthing like a simple hug, He should be able togive it to you if, but if it is a glass of water or somthing of that sort i have to get it my self because i am His slave and He is not my slave.

Sincerely andie and her Master Hal

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: help please - 9/15/2005 11:00:13 AM   
Hallittlelolita


Posts: 253
Joined: 8/11/2005
Status: offline 		i am sorry i didn't clarify myself enough about the hug thing, your Master should be willing to give you a hug somtimes. Maybe you can say "Master baby i need a hug please." He should be happy and willing to do so, just dont ask every five minutes lol like me because i tend to need a lot of hugs too and Master hugs me and tells me to relax. Just a little pointer
Sincerely andie and her Master Hal

(in reply to Hallittlelolita)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: help please - 9/15/2005 6:06:04 PM   
sultryvoice


Posts: 280
Joined: 3/31/2004
Status: offline 		It's not easy for me at all to ask for help..When I was married, I had my second bout of cancer. I asked my now ex to stay home and help me on the Thursdays after chemo. That was once evey 3 weeks. Just to let you know, he had 6 weeks a year of vacation time. He said no. And even when he was home, my neighbor helped when she could or I had to do things myself. I have always been self sufficient but this really took a toll on me. Especially since then, I have a very difficult time asking for help. I'm not sure if that will change in me. I suppose, with the right person, there might be a chance..

Respectfully,
sultry

_____________________________

Blessed are the cracked,
For it is they who let in the light.

(in reply to solesta)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: help please - 9/16/2005 7:11:19 AM   
plantlady64


Posts: 684
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline 		Maybe if you instead of asking your Master for help you just give him feedback about how what he's doing feels. It may be a more comfortable approach for you. I think to expect your Master to read your mind isn't fair to him. This way He's still in control of the situation and knows exactly where you are. Knowing how you are processing what's happening will not only help you, but also help him understand you. Mind you this won't always mean if you don't like things he'll stop, but rather that he'll know if you're enjoying things or just submitting like a good sub should and taking it for him. To enable him with a choice by your feedback is a way you could view it as helping him, more than helping yourself.
Sincerely,
sub suzanne

(in reply to solesta)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: help please - 9/16/2005 8:48:33 AM   
solesta


Posts: 18
Joined: 7/3/2005
Status: offline 		Well I think I have decided to take a bit of everyones help here and work it in to my servitude. It to me a trial and error thing so knowing for sure what I'm going to do is still a bit unclear. I know that he has read this and the other place I asked this question but he hasn't told me what he feels he wants me to do. So I'm thinking that when I do the thing that fels right to him he will ttell me and then that will be the avenue that I'll take. So yes I know that I have to change how I ask for things that I need and even start asking for the things I feel I need but the exact way I'll find that will work for him will be what he will be looking for.

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: help please - 9/16/2005 8:55:33 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3610
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Wouldn't it just be simpler, less likely to cause tension and more likely to form good problem solving/relationship skills to now go to him directly and ask "So what do you think?"

You can work out a plan together, even if just a vague one. You seem to be pretty much in the dark here rather than getting good feedback and guidance.

(in reply to solesta)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: help please - 9/16/2005 10:10:57 AM   
plantlady64


Posts: 684
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline 		Hello Again,
I re-read your post and had initially thought you meant with play not in day to day things.

I'm just like you.I'm very independant and HATE to need assistance and have to ask for help.

I donated a kidney to someone in 2002. I wasn't allowed to pick up more than 5lbs for two months.

I couldn't even pick up a gallon of milk or put a pot of water on the stove for noodles. Needing to ask complete strangers to load things in my cart at the grocery store, having to get the cashire take the more than 5lb items out of the cart, and having to let the porters load the groceries in my car & have my kids or neighbours help me bring them inside for examples of just a few of the things I had to ask for help with.

What my two monts of being weak and needing help taught me was people feel really great when they can help someone else.
When you allow someone to help you, you actually please them and make them feel good about themselves.

Maybe realizing asking for help allows the other person that helps you feel like they did a good deed and gives them joy will help you in this time of need.
Sincerely,
sub suzanne

(in reply to solesta)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: help please - 9/16/2005 10:14:46 AM   
harmony3709


Posts: 260
Joined: 11/15/2004
Status: offline
quote:

sultryvoice: I asked my now ex to stay home and help me on the Thursdays after chemo. That was once evey 3 weeks. Just to let you know, he had 6 weeks a year of vacation time. He said no.


Wow, I think we have the same ex!!

Regarding the OP, after being extremely independent for most of my life, I have the same problems with asking for help, from Master or anyone for that matter. I sometimes struggle with something for a while and then finally ask, "Master, may we talk?" For me, that first step to let him know that I have something to discuss is the most difficult. I also have an easier time talking about whatever it is if I am in a position that makes me feel particularly submissive, as opposed to on the phone or driving in the car, for example. The easiest for me is when he is seated in his chair and I am comfortably on my pillow.

What has helped me the most though, in order just to bring things to his attention that I need, is to remind myself that this is what he WANTS me to do and has requested me to do. I then realize that by not coming to him with these needs or issues, I am essentially disobeying him.

Blessed be,
harmony

(in reply to solesta)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive/Slave >> help please Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Collarchat.com is a member of the Free Speech Coalition
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.078