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help - 9/11/2005 5:42:29 PM

MstRwc

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Joined: 4/4/2005
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Hi i have been with my Master for 2 years now and he has another girl who i have always knowen about but never meet and until recently never new he was in love with her like he is with me. i meet her for the first time very brifly this weekend and i lost it. I think that it scared me it made things real. She was beautiful and kind. This is the first poly relationship for all involed. My Master is not just my Master is is my lover and my Bestfriends. I have known him sences i was 15 years old. Not in the lifestyle that long. we started as friends and it has grown to what it is not. i would not be whole with out him in my life he is honest and wonderful. I am happy when he is happy. MY head sees what he sees in her and why he wants her. But i am scared of him not wanting me because i am not ok with him loving her. The sexual stuff i am ok as we are swingers as well. Can anyone help as to was to become ok with her.? should i want to get to know her more and spend time with her? Help please i want to make him happy and be with him forever

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RE: help - 9/11/2005 6:12:50 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3610
Joined: 1/1/2004
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First off, why didn't you know the nature of their relationship? Had they deceived you? Had you simply not allowed yourself to believe it?

Why did it take two years for this meeting to occur?

You all obviously just need to sit down and figure out what's what and if things WILL be changing or not. Bringing partners together, even just as friends, is a delicate balance. It needs to be done openly, honestly and with little leaps of trust.

So all of you sit down together, talk and ask questions. Don't feel pressured to become buddy-buddy, just be a cordial woman. Ask your questions of them.

(in reply to MstRwc)

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RE: help - 9/11/2005 6:35:32 PM

anopheles

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Joined: 6/23/2005
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Don't let yourself become a doormat. If you are in a poly relationship, whether you are Master and slave or not, there are hard questions to be asked, and hard questions to be answered. Like Em said, you absolutely have to have everything out in the open, otherwise things fall apart.

Getting to know her is just like starting any other relationship. When you meet her, you may like her, and you may not. If you do, then you talk about it with everyone involved and see where you want to go from her. You may not like her. If that is the case, then if your Master is responsible, then he'll make a decision that does not harm anyone himself included.

_____________________________

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RE: help - 9/12/2005 5:30:41 AM

ChereeAmoor

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Joined: 8/1/2005
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Two years before you met? That doesn't sound good.....and if you are not ok with him loving her, then this is not poly. Should you want to get to know her? That is like my asking people if I should be 5 feet 9 instead of shorter! That is completely your call - and since two years have gone by before you met, I will asume you didn't want to meet her or get to know her before - why fake it now?

(in reply to anopheles)

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RE: help - 9/12/2005 6:25:32 AM

plantlady64

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Hello There,
First I'd say you should relax and take some deep cleansing breaths. Then once you're calmer think about the fact he's been seeing her for a while and it hasn't taken away anything from you yet, right? Then you have to also consider it is possible to love more than one person at a time.
I understand how scary it is to see him look at another, but if your relationship has been OK so far you have to trust it will continue that way.
Sincerely,
sub suzanne

(in reply to MstRwc)

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RE: help - 9/12/2005 6:45:31 AM

Sylverdawn

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I would add this is not about her or about HIM it is about you. Your insecurities... your fears... your emotional needs. Your afraid that he will decide that in comparision your not as attractive, as worthy, as sexual, as beautiful..etc.etc.etc. Those are your self esteem issues; you need to deal with them before you get involved in the complex emotional highwire act of poly life. Jealousy, low self esteem, poor communication ability are all death to poly relationships. You say your IN LOVE with him and he with you.. and he loves her .. he may not be IN LOVE with her but that is really not the issue. When you feel secure within yourself that you bring to any relationship a full understanding of who you are and your own personal worth cause yes you are WORTHY of giving and receiving love, time and attention.. then you can cope with a man who loves you completely and fully and who you can love the same way without doubt. Until such time as you deal with your own personal issues I would stay away from her because its only going to amplify your own issues and make her either a not understand and b not want to be with you which can create more havoc in your relationship with your Master.

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RE: help - 9/12/2005 6:47:42 AM

EmeraldSlave2

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sylverdawn
Until such time as you deal with your own personal issues I would stay away from her because its only going to amplify your own issues and make her either a not understand and b not want to be with you which can create more havoc in your relationship with your Master.

That's actually really good insight and advice. I still think they need to sit down and get the entire matter on the table and make sure everyone is on the same page first.

Otherwise I agree and I wish more people would do that rather than trying to force themselves to like it or want it.

(in reply to Sylverdawn)

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RE: help - 9/12/2005 9:13:19 AM

ShiftedJewel

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Joined: 12/2/2004
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quote:

First I'd say you should relax and take some deep cleansing breaths. Then once you're calmer think about the fact he's been seeing her for a while and it hasn't taken away anything from you yet, right? Then you have to also consider it is possible to love more than one person at a time.
I understand how scary it is to see him look at another, but if your relationship has been OK so far you have to trust it will continue that way.

A great point. If it were me, I would want to get to know her. If she is all you described then the two of you could become fast friends. Don't go into it believing that she is there to take what you have... if that were the case then she's had two years to do it in and it hasn't happened. Keep your heart open, once you close it... opening it again is hard.

Jewel

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ShiftedJewel of PhoenixRisen

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RE: help - 9/12/2005 2:13:17 PM

MstRwc

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thank you all this helped and i agree i have some self-esteem issues in my self that i am working on and talking to others always helps

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RE: help - 9/12/2005 2:58:34 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 851
Joined: 9/8/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MstRwc

Hi i have been with my Master for 2 years now and he has another girl who i have always knowen about but never meet and until recently never new he was in love with her like he is with me. i meet her for the first time very brifly this weekend and i lost it. I think that it scared me it made things real. She was beautiful and kind. This is the first poly relationship for all involed. My Master is not just my Master is is my lover and my Bestfriends. I have known him sences i was 15 years old. Not in the lifestyle that long. we started as friends and it has grown to what it is not. i would not be whole with out him in my life he is honest and wonderful. I am happy when he is happy. MY head sees what he sees in her and why he wants her. But i am scared of him not wanting me because i am not ok with him loving her. The sexual stuff i am ok as we are swingers as well. Can anyone help as to was to become ok with her.? should i want to get to know her more and spend time with her? Help please i want to make him happy and be with him forever

I'm going to be really bold here and suggest that you talk to your master as your lover and your bestfriend about your feelings.

Obviously he's been with this other woman for two years and you've known about it and now that you've met her in your mind something is different. In reality it has little to do with her -- it may have a lot to do with you and he and certainly a lot to do with you.

Being poly is a constant, constant need for open communication especially between the people sharing physical and emotional intimacy. It may be time to step beyond or outside the master-slave dynamic and get back to the basics while you work out your reactions. He can't fix them but together you and he can try to figure out why you are reacting this way.

Maybe it would be something simple like he tells you more often you are attractive to him and that you are doing well. Maybe its a matter of spending more time together. Maybe its a matter of spending time as a trio. Maybe its a matter of spending time with her.

You will likely have to try several different things.

And accepting her, becoming comfortable with her is not the same as liking her or being her friend. And it isn't an issue that you can "solve" because you don't solve feelings, you learn to recognize them, address them, and work on making the negative emotions happen less often.

Everyone has moments of feeling uncomfortable or undesireable. Even the most confident dominant has these moments, even the most experience poly person has these moments. It happens for a lot of reasons -- some you can control and cope, some may reflect the actions or none actions of others.

Hope this rambling gives you something to think about.

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,
TammyJo

(in reply to MstRwc)

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