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expression - 3/5/2006 12:28:18 AM

defiant

Posts: 1
Joined: 4/30/2004
Status: offline

Lost for 5 years now. Always lurking and agonizing over how to quell this fascination. Lurking. Hiding. Skirting this subject with people within proximity yields off color looks. Remain silent.

I was so excited when I discovered this avenue. It legitimized the flashes of erotica that my mind inflicted on me. These visions that crept up on me without my permission and excited me beyond reason. Angry that there is no answer. Unable to find semantic content in the contradictions of my thoughts and actions. I can not live this as a lifestyle. This is only sexual for me. Look for Eve elsewhere only Lilith resides here. Lilith. Taunting me with her fate.

Sex is over for me in any tangible way now. Only pain can excite me. The thought of gratuitious sex with my husband is repulsive. My best friend. My ally. My only reason for existance has been excluded from my sensuality for six years now. I could never ask him to be the deviant I need. It would be coerced and worthless. The errant personalty I seek could never reticulate with me outside of the sheets. Implausible, ludicrous contradictions.

When my family is raised I dream that I can pursue becoming a spinster. Asexual and focusing on the many other things in life that intrigue me. Eager to forget this complicated, impossible to analyze, brainstem function gone amok. Tired of its implications and misshapen puzzle pieces that fit nowhere in my reality. Sick of sacrifice for the sake of my own principles. Shell-shocked principles retreating to a safe place when my fiction comes out to play.

Can I be the only one who feels this way? Venting complete, please forgive my whining.

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RE: expression - 3/5/2006 12:40:14 AM

Vancouver_cinful

Posts: 476
Joined: 2/3/2004
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Every person must choose their own path to happiness. For me, it has come from embracing this part of myself.

I hope whatever paths you choose bring you joy and peace.

Cin

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quote:

Merriam-Webster defines KINK as a clever, unusual way of doing something...and I'm okay with that!
~ Me ~

(in reply to defiant)

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RE: expression - 3/5/2006 12:42:12 AM

BitaTruble

Posts: 703
Joined: 1/12/2006
Status: offline

Everything is a choice. Not everyone makes the same choices, but no, you are not alone in what you think or feel.

Celeste

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I wasn't there. I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. I wanna lawyer!

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RE: expression - 3/5/2006 2:29:43 AM

Focus50

Posts: 423
Joined: 12/28/2004
Status: offline

You have a talent for expressing your thoughts with the written word so hopefully this is the first of many future posts. Welcome to the Forums, btw....

Amazing how many "new" fem/subs find the lifestyle *after* marriage and raising a family etc. I guess it's because most in the vanilla World are raised and conditioned to follow that traditional path. I'd say 5 of the 8 or so subs I've met off the Net have explored their submissive needs after the break-up of a vanilla marriage - they've discovered their true self rather than what society expects in general....

Sounds like you're still, errrr, "comfortably"(?) married but it doen't necessarily fulfill your physical/emotional needs. From my Dom's perspective, I've long since rationalised D/s as a personal primal need even though dominating/submitting isn't socially acceptable in vanilla's theoretical egalitarian dynamic.

So you decide who you live for and with - yourself or society. Obviously kids especially and a hubby are a major part of your life but that doesn't mean you hafta live in frustrated denial of the sub (or Domme?) within.... But it does mean you have life decisions beckoning, regardless. Even posting on a Board with other like-minded people is an outlet. Where you choose to go from there is entirely up to you.

BDSM does NOT mean having to give up your family or integrity - and it's NOT a disease, though I can't say the same of some who dwell in the lifestyle.... You might still start with the hubby, though! Vanilla or not, you chose him as your hubby for some reason; he might surprise you. And if not, just how long can you go on with what seems like almost a sham relationship, even if you get along in other ways. Whatever, I wish you well with your current and impending choices....

Focus.

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RE: expression - 3/5/2006 4:39:25 AM

DelRey

Posts: 153
Joined: 12/3/2005
Status: offline

Man, do I know that feeling. Your OP could have been my first post here.

then I was served papers, now I'm having enjoyable sex again, and I have been set freeeeeeeeeeeee (kinda...... lol)

Anyone who has kids and divorced understands the "kinda" part....

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RE: expression - 3/5/2006 5:02:10 AM

chadra

Posts: 11
Joined: 2/24/2006
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quote:

I could never ask him to be the deviant I need.

I intimately understand the fear you've described. It's paralyzing. You're not alone.

Nobody can advise you on what or what not to do about this, because only you know your husband, your relationship, and your situation. Sometimes, a person has that conversation and it turns out so well, she cries with relief. Other times, the discussion can and does end with absolute heartbreak. Only you can evaluate the risk and decide.

My only suggestion is this: Do not take action in any way when gripped with emotion. If you ever do choose to discuss this with him, be in a very self-possessed frame of mind. Get counseling to help you be in that frame of mind, if necessary, and know exactly what it is you ask of him.

Nothing about this situation is easy. I wish you the very best of luck with finding the right path for your own life.

respectfully,
chadra

(in reply to DelRey)

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RE: expression - 3/5/2006 6:20:48 AM

LadyJulieAnn

Posts: 384
Joined: 6/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: defiant

Sex is over for me in any tangible way now. Only pain can excite me. The thought of gratuitious sex with my husband is repulsive. My best friend. My ally. My only reason for existance has been excluded from my sensuality for six years now. I could never ask him to be the deviant I need. It would be coerced and worthless. The errant personalty I seek could never reticulate with me outside of the sheets. Implausible, ludicrous contradictions.

When my family is raised I dream that I can pursue becoming a spinster. Asexual and focusing on the many other things in life that intrigue me. Eager to forget this complicated, impossible to analyze, brainstem function gone amok. Tired of its implications and misshapen puzzle pieces that fit nowhere in my reality. Sick of sacrifice for the sake of my own principles. Shell-shocked principles retreating to a safe place when my fiction comes out to play.

I certainly understand coming to the realization that what you have in your life isn't matching with what your brain is telling you that you need. I've been there. However, I am a bit concerned about your wording when you talk about sex being "repulsive" and wanting to be "asexual". Is that a new feeling for you? When you say that "only pain can excite me", how do you define "excitement"?

Be well,
Julie

(in reply to defiant)

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RE: expression - 3/5/2006 7:12:00 AM

artglfr

Posts: 89
Joined: 4/8/2005
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I am sorry to hear you do not feel you can share your deepest feelings with your husband. I imagine most of us who have been married have undergone the very same emotions. I felt I could never mention my desires to my wife yet she understood perfectly and even helped me explore. You married the man for a reason you must love him.

Have you tried renting DVD's of this nature? there is a great posting on Collar me listing 100's of awesome "Vanilla" Movies you may wish to explore. Perhaps when you share your desires slowly through a couple of movies and discuss what is going on on screen with your husband he may be interested. Don't worry he will probably be as excited as you to actually be opening the door to "Eroticism" .

Good luck and I hate to think of you having to be an "asexual spinster" ,share with him, give both of You a chance and You may both be sharing a fantasy soon.

(in reply to LadyJulieAnn)

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RE: expression - 3/5/2006 8:13:40 AM

MstrssPassion

Posts: 524
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline

quote:

Amazing how many "new" fem/subs find the lifestyle *after* marriage and raising a family etc. I guess it's because most in the vanilla World are raised and conditioned to follow that traditional path.

It isn't just the "new" female submissives. It isn't just those who explore this 'lifestyle'.

You hit the nail on the head in regards people are conditioned to follow that "traditional path" & it is ANYONE who deviates from that path that will feel guilty, tainted, freakish or fictional as the OP expressed.

Yes others have felt as you do, yes others feel as you do. These buried feelings, whatever they may be (those things that deviate from that traditional path) will scream out & not allow you to suppress them eventually. Too often when a persons abnegates these aspects of self they will have much more negative thoughts enter their minds... including self destruction.

Venting is good, but it will only offer you temporary release. You have taken off a little of the pressure, but that pressure will build again & in what way, in what direction or in what form will you release next time?

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(in reply to Focus50)

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RE: expression - 3/5/2006 9:05:16 AM

perfection20005

Posts: 412
Joined: 4/20/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

Amazing how many "new" fem/subs find the lifestyle *after* marriage and raising a family etc. I guess it's because most in the vanilla World are raised and conditioned to follow that traditional path. I'd say 5 of the 8 or so subs I've met off the Net have explored their submissive needs after the break-up of a vanilla marriage - they've discovered their true self rather than what society expects in general....

Focus.

I am one of those who didn't find my true self until after a marriage of 13 years. I would have never been able to talk to him about this lifestyle, nor would I have tried to make him change who he was.

You don't need to give up your principles or your family for this lifestyle. I don't think I could ever be asexual. I am who I am and after my divorce I didn't have to worry about changing someone. I knew I could find a man who had the same thoughts as myself. No need to sacrifice anything. My friends and family still love me, although only my children know what I do. I do hope that you can find some happiness. You state that your husband is your best friend, so there must be some feelings for him. At least you have some time to think it through before you make such a drastic change.

Good luck to you.

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perfection

"I took one look at Him, and I knew He was my Master."

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RE: expression - 3/5/2006 11:46:23 AM

proudsub

Posts: 3896
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
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I feel for you defiant. I was in that situation several years ago, except i did go outside my marriage to satisfy my longing. Hubby found out and after a long talk He said he understood, forgave me and is now my Master giving me most of what i need. My only regret is not discussing it with Him first. He really surprised me with his reaction. Are you sure your spouse won't understand?

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proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

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RE: expression - 3/6/2006 3:48:46 PM

MarinaBlack

Posts: 47
Joined: 8/6/2005
Status: offline

Wow.
That was an amazing piece of writing. Thank you for sharing that with us.
It saddens me that you feel you cannot express this with your life-partner, but I don't know him or you and do not judge. I only feel the pain and frustration in your words and they have moved me.

Perhaps through some inner work you may discover a positive outlet for your feelings and be able to share this with your husband. Maybe not. In any case I do hope you find a solution for your dilema and suggest that you do some more writing. I suspect you might even get published.

Be Well.

(in reply to defiant)

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