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does this work - 4/13/2005 3:46:37 PM

Sheba

Posts: 4
Joined: 4/30/2004
From: Minnesota
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Ok people... does anyone really believe this lifestyle can work. Any third brought into a relationship is going to prefer one of the people over the other. There will always be someone left out, and that will cause lots of issues. I speak from firsthand experience in trying it twice.

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RE: does this work - 4/13/2005 4:20:19 PM

stormsfate

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Yes, I believe it can and does work. Statistically speaking, one might question whether monogamous marriages work based upon the divorce rate. It just may not be for you.

Regarding preferring one person over the other...I don't think it has anything to do with preference, but rahter relationships don't have to be equal in every aspect. Do you have the same relationship with every friend you have? Most people don't. My relationship with v is different than my relationship with Master. Master's relationship with v is different than his relationship with me...and v's relationship with him is different than her relationship with me.

best regards,
fate

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RE: does this work - 4/13/2005 4:26:24 PM

smilezz

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I do have to say that yes, it can work ...... for some. I know a few people that have been together for years on end and are still going strong. I do understand what you are saying, it is definately not something that with alot of effort that always works out........but it can, for the right mix.

~smilezz~

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RE: does this work - 4/13/2005 5:38:25 PM

Sheba

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I guess the word prefernce wasnt really understood. What i meant was the third coming into a relationship with two.... per say "putting up with one" to have the other. Thats what i have experienced so far. One girl put up with me to have my Dom.... in her own words. The second one... put up with my Dom to have me. That hurts everyone involved. I guess i just never found the right people.

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RE: does this work - 4/13/2005 6:52:50 PM

EmeraldSlave2

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I can't really say it better than Fate did (she's grown so much in so short a time!)

But I think the issue is what most people find when it doesn't work- it's not the "poly" that went bad, it's the people not being honest and seeking the relationship that worked best for them that went bad.

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RE: does this work - 4/13/2005 9:34:31 PM

Manawyddan

Posts: 212
Joined: 1/2/2005
From: Petaluma (Northern California)
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I've been with my fiancee for eight years and my girlfriend for five years, so I have a couple of fairly stable relationships I think.

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RE: does this work - 4/14/2005 3:19:32 AM

timorous

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Yes... it can work.

I think one of the things that can help it to work is if it is meeting each persons individual needs... and they are ALWAYS different for everyone.

As for someone being left out.... I know what you are driving at but I think that someone may not appear to be included in something but still be having all of their personal needs meet within the relationship and so they are still very happy.

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RE: does this work - 4/16/2005 7:31:21 AM

ScooterTrash

Posts: 267
Joined: 1/24/2005
From: Indiana
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Certainly, it can and does work. I do see where you may have had bad experiences, particularly if the "putting up" mindset was the norm, but if it's worked on as a team it can work rather nicely. It is communication between parties that makes the difference I believe, as in any other relationship. As stormsfate said;

quote:

Statistically speaking, one might question whether monogamous marriages work based upon the divorce rate.

With that in mind, one has to understand that ANY relationship is not automatic and takes effort on the part of everyone, whether it be two or 10 (OMG too many). WE have a unique poly relationship as we are both Dominants and under normal conditions would both have our own sub/slave, sure there may be some sharing but it's more direct perhaps. Perhaps this works better, I would prefer to think it simply works different. Bottom line; yes I think poly can and does work as well if not better (depending on who is involved) than mono relationships. Again, NO, it is not for everyone, just as monogamous relationships are not for everyone.

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RE: does this work - 4/16/2005 11:42:44 AM

WayHome

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I'm back! Well maybe not but browsing the boards for the first time in a long while I was excited to see the poly board added and now I have to post....

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheba

I guess the word prefernce wasnt really understood. What i meant was the third coming into a relationship with two.... per say "putting up with one" to have the other. Thats what i have experienced so far. One girl put up with me to have my Dom.... in her own words. The second one... put up with my Dom to have me. That hurts everyone involved. I guess i just never found the right people.

We had that problem with vanilla threesomes once or twice. It was a major headache at the time but we grew from it. We had a bad fight over one girl who claimed to be bi and interested in both of us but after a month of "dating" we finally got in bed and it became obvious she didn't really "do" girls, though she wasn't too picky about recieving. I was having a good time and then j stormed off in a huff. Big fight. And I learned to be a little more perceptive. Next time it started to become an issue, we knew how to handle it together as partners.

Since we became part of the scene, it's never been an issue. The power dynamic actually makes it easier since you don't go into anything expecting parity so it's not a problem. We have successfully engaged in play with subs who j didn't want to have anything to do with (she still liked watching me work). One sub who really just wanted her (being mostly gay)and so I was just there to provide the challenging backdrop for her romantic adventure with j (kinda like Thelma and Louise where I was kinda like the pursuing cops that set the stage for their relationship). And there have been other dynamics--We were quite fond of the sub that came and stayed with us for a week and cleaned our appartment and tried to stay in the background while relishing ocasional flogging, bondage, and fisting in the evenning as the mood hit me. She wasn't really bi, but she did get off on j holding her down as ordered when she squirmed too much, and so did j.

Unfortunately we don't yet have real experience with anything long term, but we are confident it can work with the right girl when we find her. We couldn't have done it 8 years ago, but now we have grown to be in a place where it can work.

Leto

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RE: does this work - 4/17/2005 8:43:01 PM

SweetDommes

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It has worked for over a year so far for us, and we continually talk and work to keep it going. It's not easy, but it is definately possible.

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RE: does this work - 4/18/2005 12:31:27 AM

MsMacComb

Posts: 105
Joined: 3/30/2005
From: My Mothers womb silly. :)
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I'm just kind of curious why some people think everything has to be "equal"?
For some, being in a extended party relationship is just accpeted as is. I would think anyone that goes into this assuming that the new person will be 'equal' to the two who may have been together for years or decades might be setting themself up for major dissapointment. I always have looked at it as an extension of an already sound relationship and just sharing with another. Everyone has their 'role' and should know what it is beforehand and be comfortable with it. If not, perhaps they have no business entering into this in the first place. Having said that, I know of quite a few couples/plus that have been in a poly lifestyle for years and are very happy with it.

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RE: does this work - 6/15/2005 10:59:51 PM

asissyforher

Posts: 228
Joined: 5/20/2005
From: iowa now..maybe move soon.
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MsMacComb
I'm just kind of curious why some people think everything has to be "equal"?
======
define, equal?
i know myself as an adult, "i" am not equal as to being Her #1....but i AM equal as an adult with the same rights and privilieges thereof.
i know, if, i, ever, get into, poly, (since there are NO single dommes on this planet) that i will never be #1....and it is ok coz i dont wanna be.
what i DO want is equality of respect...dignity. not people going room to room whispering behind your back,,,and/or making sure they send you out so you cant hear what is going on.
and you know by the body language....it IS you that just got talked about.
i do not like 2 faced people.

a slave

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RE: does this work - 6/16/2005 6:47:01 AM

AlphaGeek

Posts: 82
Joined: 8/22/2004
From: Charlottesville, VA, but in Orlando for a temp job
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In your example, maybe it was the participants that didn't make it work. My household is 5 years old now and going strong.

I guess my answer to your question is "No, I don't believe it can work, I *know* that it can. I also speak from firsthand experience."

AG

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheba

Ok people... does anyone really believe this lifestyle can work. Any third brought into a relationship is going to prefer one of the people over the other. There will always be someone left out, and that will cause lots of issues. I speak from firsthand experience in trying it twice.

(in reply to Sheba)

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