dealing with a drama queen

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dealing with a drama queen

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dealing with a drama queen - 8/2/2005 5:27:26 AM

kisshou

Posts: 704
Joined: 2/11/2005
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I like life nice, quiet and peaceful. I am now having to deal with someone in my life who is a complete drama queen. I need help in how to deal. She is so selfish, she acts like the world revolves around her and her problems. She always finds a way to your weak spot and tugs at your emotional heartstrings til they cry out in sympathy for her , leaving you exhausted emotionally and physically.

If anyone else has had to deal with someone like this I am begging you for advice, sympathy or whatever you have to offer.

I posted this on the poly board because you all seem to have the best relationship skills and I have to stay in a relationship with this person, ending it is not an option.

Post #: 1

RE: dealing with a drama queen - 8/2/2005 5:28:54 AM

kisshou

Posts: 704
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline

Oh, and also it is like she realizes just how far to push, then things will be calm for a few weeks so just when you get all relaxed and are focusing on other things , she has a new crisis for you to deal with!

(in reply to kisshou)

Post #: 2

RE: dealing with a drama queen - 8/2/2005 5:43:20 AM

Leonidas

Posts: 1063
Joined: 2/16/2004
Status: offline

1. Figure out what she's getting from you when she exhibits the behavior that you're describing. If she's repeating the behavior, its a good bet that whatever it is, she wants. Often it's simply attention, but sometimes it's not quite that simple.

2. Give her that when she's *not* exhibiting the unwanted behavior.

3. Pointedly *don't* give her that when she is.

4. Watch her behavior change.

_____________________________

Take care of yourself

Leonidas

(in reply to kisshou)

Post #: 3

RE: dealing with a drama queen - 8/2/2005 5:48:41 AM

luvdragonx

Posts: 387
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline

Whooooo. I feel your pain, and you have my deepest sympathies. Drama queen-itis is apparently a genetic disorder in my family so I've dealt with quite a few. The relationship you have with her would best determine your way of dealing with her. Is she a close friend that you have a choice in seeing? Or is she someone you *have* to see? Family? What kind of drama is it - is it minor stuff like not finding the perfect shoes, boyfriend, etc, or is it major stuff, like leaving a spouse, mental illness, financial distress....you get the picture. Here's what I've done in the past.

For a not so close friend with minor drama is just ignore it. It works with kids, it works with adults. Drama queens are attention junkies, so if you don't give them attention, they tend to go away on their own.

If it's major drama for a not so close friend, ask yourself just how involved you really want to be with this person. If you can't see yourself as friends next year, then take the hit for being insensitive and back away, it's not worth your sanity. If it's an issue of safety or imminent danger, make the appropriate references and back away.

If this person doesn't take the hint, break up with her (if you can). Let her know that you can't continue an unhealthy relationship. If this person continues to tax your emotions and physical health, just tell her that your time and energy are valuable to your Owner and can't be compromised any further.

If it's a close friend or family member, then you need to ask yourself again, do you want this person involved closely in your life? If the proverbial shit hits the fan, would you be there with an umbrella? I couldn't begin to tell you how to approach that one not knowing any details, but go where your heart tells you.

< Message edited by luvdragonx -- 8/2/2005 5:50:50 AM >

_____________________________

Never Without Love

(in reply to kisshou)

Post #: 4

RE: dealing with a drama queen - 8/2/2005 5:53:09 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 1379
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

kisshou,
There have been many drama queens that I have encountered over time. The one distinguishing characteristic they all seem to have in common is that they seem to thrive off of that drama...and in times of tranquility they don't function well and will usually create drama in order to be able to function at the level that is comfortable for them.

The incident that stands out most in my mind was a girlfriend of mine who was with this pig of a man for many years. He was as obnoxious and abusive as the day is long. Everywhere we went people asked her about the latest updates in the saga of her life with him....and then fawned all over her to express their sympathies. Lots gave good sound advice to her...including me. She never took any of it though because she was thriving off of the attention that everyone gave her.

Finally, I just could take no more. She called one day to rant about what John had done now and I snapped. I told her that she obviously was willing to keep volunteering to be his victim because she never listened to a word that I or anyone else said to try to change things in a positive way. I told her that I was no longer going to be available for her use as a sounding board or a shoulder to cry on because it was simply too much drama for me to deal with in my life. I suggested that she find a professional to go and talk to. If she wanted to go shopping or out for the evening and have a good time...well that was great and I was there....but the moment she would start I would shut her down and refuse to listen to her.

Now this did not stop her from going to everyone else in the manner she always had...but she no longer came to me because she knew her "rants" were falling on deaf ears. I simply pulled myself out of her drama equation. I am not saying that this is the perfect solution for you...just that it has worked for me...with her...and with the drama queens I have encountered since.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
erin

There are no victims here.....only volunteers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

(in reply to kisshou)

Post #: 5

RE: dealing with a drama queen - 8/2/2005 6:03:49 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 1886
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

I agree mostly along the lines of Erin. Perhaps the good way to think of it is this since you are a submissive and can be entangled in these easily: If a dom says on your knees bitch, and start sucking......there is a defense that says you aint my dominant, in fact you are a turd. So think of it this way cause it's kinda the same the way you describe it.

You may be a drama queen but you are not MY drama queen.

Good Luck kisshou,
Ron

_____________________________

"Schlau, aber nichts wahr" Albert Einstein

(in reply to kisshou)

Post #: 6

RE: dealing with a drama queen - 8/2/2005 7:24:07 AM

ShiftedJewel

Posts: 634
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline

This reminds me of two instances in my life... now please keep in mind that this was a constant recurring theme and over time I grew rather calloused about it..

My daughters, when they were unmentionables, would act up and I would smack them on the butt... each time was followed by wailing and crying that I broke their back! It got so bad that I was having nightmares about it... then one day it happened... that final straw. They were wailing and crying that I had broken their backs... I looked at them and said "I'm so sorry, I really am... come here... let me aim better!" You know... they never said it again.

And my sister lived with my parents after she had her first for about 4 years. Well, both of my parents have bad hearts and the unmentionable picked up on that real quick. Every time she got in trouble she grabbed her chest and said her heart hurt! My sister was at wits end... she called me. I asked her if she had her checked out... she had, all was well, she was healthy as a horse.... The next time she grabbed her heart and swore that it hurt my sister said "Well, now your ass is gonna hurt too"... again... she never did that again.

I do know exactly how you feel kisshou... I also have family like that. They have learned that I will turn a cold shoulder to it. It isn't that I don't love them... I just don't like that part of them.

Jewel

_____________________________

ShiftedJewel of PhoenixRisen

(in reply to kisshou)

Post #: 7

RE: dealing with a drama queen - 8/2/2005 7:50:37 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3610
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leonidas

1. Figure out what she's getting from you when she exhibits the behavior that you're describing. If she's repeating the behavior, its a good bet that whatever it is, she wants. Often it's simply attention, but sometimes it's not quite that simple.

2. Give her that when she's *not* exhibiting the unwanted behavior.

3. Pointedly *don't* give her that when she is.

4. Watch her behavior change.

Excellent!

And as added advice for those many of us who find it VERY hard to say no or detatch ourselves from situations, practice saying things to her like "I understand, I'm here to support you, let me know if there's something specific I can help you with, otherwise I'm sure you can deal with it just fine like you always have before and come out happy ont he other side. I have to get going now"

And then DO IT.

(in reply to Leonidas)

Post #: 8

RE: dealing with a drama queen - 8/2/2005 4:48:45 PM

MstrHellsFury

Posts: 388
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

well being the Master in my household I simply don't tolorate drama..but upon asking mine about it..I was mildly surprised it had taken place early on when we first started our poly lives together...as it goes...my second wanted more attention from me...not wanting to share divided time etc...she admits now behind my back at that time she was really blantant and bad about her whinning about it to my first...everything was not centered on her and she was bound to get it that way...how did it get resolved...well my first called her on it...asked her if she was willing to present the same actions to my face as she did behind my back...as the answer was no...my first simply told her...watch...listen...learn from her action towards me...at that..she simply ignored her every time she started...it seems it didn't take long for my second to realize...attention was shared..her place was secure..and I was there for all...their advice is to ignore the bad behavior and at least on your part as a non-participant..you won't enable it..or it will be directed to those who won't use a tough love approach...not coldhearted..just hardhearted to offensive actions...hense the drama queen....now the two of them are giggling as they sit next to me posting this...

Fury

(in reply to kisshou)

Post #: 9

RE: dealing with a drama queen - 8/3/2005 5:02:32 AM

kisshou

Posts: 704
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline

There are no words to express my thanks to all of you who posted replies. I have saved them all so I can read them every morning. Everyone's insights and advice was wonderful.

The drama queen in question is a family member who I love so much. Is there any way to try to change her behavior?

As alot of you pointed out the 'drama queen' is looking for attention. Why is she looking for so much attention in such a bad way?

Why does she need drama to function?

As for the drama itself, while it is going on they make it sound major but in retrospect it is really about minor issues.

I have already implemented the advice I received here but now am looking for some insight into the cause of the drama queens behaviour.

Thank you all again !

(in reply to kisshou)

Post #: 10

RE: dealing with a drama queen - 8/3/2005 5:08:19 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3610
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kisshou
The drama queen in question is a family member who I love so much. Is there any way to try to change her behavior?

Is there a way? Yes. But I do NOT recommend it. Family members are a special group of people in our lives that you have to simply constantly remind yourself "She is who she is, let her be who she is, I will be who I am and we will go on our way"

Only in extreme circumstances should you try and interfere with a family members life.

quote:

As alot of you pointed out the 'drama queen' is looking for attention. Why is she looking for so much attention in such a bad way?

Maybe she never learned to get it any other way? Maybe there's a gap she's trying to fill? Maybe a lot of reasons. Most people are just ordinary people trying to do an ok job, they don't really know what they do or why they do it and would deny if directly confronted.

quote:

Why does she need drama to function?

That's far too broad a question to answer, there are a host of reasons and layers of life training involved.

(in reply to kisshou)

Post #: 11

RE: dealing with a drama queen - 8/3/2005 12:13:19 PM

kittinSol

Posts: 10
Joined: 3/16/2005
Status: offline

It's a harsh philosophy to apply but I still do it: I try to get away from those who vampirise my energies. Goodbye I only have one life. Harsh but fair on myself.

_____________________________

And there was light... and her finger was on the switch.

(in reply to kisshou)

Post #: 12

RE: dealing with a drama queen - 8/3/2005 1:13:29 PM

luvdragonx

Posts: 387
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline

I know this is gonna sound kinda Pollyanna, but here goes.

Changing her is pretty much out of the question, so you'll need to be the one who changes. A lot of the people I've known who fall into the drama queen category were one of two types

1. Exaggerated circumstances to garner attention. She might complain of being unfairly passed over for promotion at work. She would neglect to mention that she was underqualified to begin with, or that the position was in a different department, etc.
2. Repeatedly causes their own problems. Getting fired for always being late, dating people that she KNOWS are useless to her, opening a line of credit she KNOWS she can't afford, etc.

Since you love and care for this person, give her the attention she wants - on your terms. If you are able to, try scheduling a recurring 'date' with her. Direct the conversation in the way that you are comfortable with. Engage in activities that you will both enjoy, and keep it neutral.

Why is she like that? Could be that negative attention is better than no attention to her. Maybe she doesn't know how to get positive attention. Or care to know. Or even know positive attention exists. Maybe she doesn't think that she is interesting or valuable enough to recieve positive attention. Or maybe she has some growing up to do. Who knows.

< Message edited by luvdragonx -- 8/3/2005 1:19:55 PM >

_____________________________

Never Without Love

(in reply to kisshou)

Post #: 13

RE: dealing with a drama queen - 8/5/2005 9:24:03 AM

ChereeAmoor

Posts: 184
Joined: 8/1/2005
Status: offline

Go with the Ultimate Question. This is a tough one, and I love/hate it.

"What are you going to do about it?"

That is it. You can put heavy emphasis on different words, but do not change the question itself. It is wonderful to have someone listen while I vent, but sooner or later, the Ultimate Question pops up, and I realize that while they have big ears to listen and soft dry shoulders to weep on, THEY cannot change a thing, it is MY responsibility. When I have a I-Feel-So-Fat day, for example, what am I going to do about it? When my family members are having a meltdown, what am I going to do about it? When the damn car won't start no matter where I kick it, what am I going to do about it?

The Ultimate Question might help a change to come about, from Drama Queen to Action Movie Star. Whatever happens, just remeber the most important person in any movie is the cameraman - and if you put down the camera, the queen will stop emoting.

So.....with all respect.....what are you going to do about it?

(in reply to luvdragonx)

Post #: 14

RE: dealing with a drama queen - 8/5/2005 7:31:39 PM

kisshou

Posts: 704
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChereeAmoor

The Ultimate Question might help a change to come about, from Drama Queen to Action Movie Star. Whatever happens, just remeber the most important person in any movie is the cameraman - and if you put down the camera, the queen will stop emoting.

So.....with all respect.....what are you going to do about it?

Thanks for the great post and welcome to the CM boards, I am looking forward to reading your other posts :)

(in reply to ChereeAmoor)

Post #: 15

RE: dealing with a drama queen - 8/6/2005 4:10:53 AM

lovingmaster45

Posts: 261
Joined: 9/16/2004
Status: offline

quote:

It's a harsh philosophy to apply but I still do it: I try to get away from those who vampirise my energies. Goodbye I only have one life. Harsh but fair on myself.

I am with kittinsol on this one. And I don't care if it IS a family member. I avoid them and do NOT let them into my life.

I had a very good woman living with me and mine while Head Bitch was in DC on a Fellowship. This woman was a pro domina who decided she wanted to join my house as a sub. She soon took on the role of alpha female. All was well until Head Bitch Barbie moved back home. That was when this woman started to manipulate the relationship of all in the house.

I put her things in my truck and drove them to her house and put them on her front porch with a long letter about why she was no longer welcome in our family.

She cried a lot; but I would not budge.

Today she remains a good friend and she and I have trained a lot of doms; mostly female. She and Head Bitch go shopping, plan functions, and entertain together; but she does not share our bed any more and never will. We do NOT tolerate jealousy, drama or any other kind of trouble.

In my experience that is the ONLY approach that works. Cut them out of your intimate circle and keep them out.

_____________________________

Master Jerry

(in reply to kittinSol)

Post #: 16

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