Would you ditch the hitched?

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Would you ditch the hitched? - 3/26/2005 9:38:41 AM

painworthy

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Ladies, under what set of criteria would you play with a married person, or is that a hard limit no no for You?

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RE: Would you ditch the hitched? - 3/26/2005 10:10:44 AM

perverseangelic

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If the married person's partner was -completely- aware of what was going on, and was willing to meet me and talk to me.

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RE: Would you ditch the hitched? - 3/26/2005 1:31:51 PM

DameDeviante

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The boundries I would give a married sub/slave would be that there be NO sexual contact AT ALL. Of course, I would prefer that the married person's spouse knew everything that would go on, but sometimes that cannot be because of lifestyle differences in an otherwise good marriage, and could cause more pain than necessary to any other parties involved. So I understand boundries, and can, with a clear conscience, "play" with married people. This lifestyle is not about hurting other people. It should be safe, sane and consensual. Cheating on your spouse, and having a secret life from them is not sane, nor is it safe. You never know how your spouse might react if you just went to them, and said something like, "Honey, I want to try this, and I promise I won't have sex with anyone, but I really need to not repress these urges I have." Honesty might hurt, but the other option hurts worse, and usually hurts more people than necessary in the long run. I have actually met couples in the BDSM realm who had thought about divorce before they finally went to the other, and told them their thoughts, urges, and needs. They came to the conclusion that they both had been wanting the same thing, but almost broke up a very happy marriage because they were afraid the other would think they were demented and sick for their lifestyle choices. Communication is key. Be in peace.

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RE: Would you ditch the hitched? - 3/26/2005 2:02:09 PM

Vixandra

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Though still in my self-termed "Domme Training" stage, I'm with perverseangelic on this one.

Long as I've met and talked with thier partner and everything's on the up & up, things are good for me. I'm in a similar situation- hubby is not submissive but understands that is something I need to do, so we've an arrangement.

Communication's the key here- when there isn't any things tend to get ugly real fast.

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RE: Would you ditch the hitched? - 3/26/2005 3:13:12 PM

SweetDommes

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quote:

ORIGINAL: perverseangelic

If the married person's partner was -completely- aware of what was going on, and was willing to meet me and talk to me.

I agree totally with this ... the creed of most BDSMers is Safe, Sane and CONSENSUAL ... if a married person does not tell their partner that they are in this lifestyle - in whatever capacity, that removes the consensual aspect from the partner - one cannot consent if one does not know.

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RE: Would you ditch the hitched? - 3/26/2005 5:32:38 PM

nella

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i am after another Dominat to play whit, as that is somthing both me and my Dom wants, but i would not play whit somone that was married or had a relationship, unless his or her wife or husband knew everything aboute it and agreed, i do not want to be in an the other woman situation.

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RE: Would you ditch the hitched? - 3/26/2005 8:49:43 PM

FelinePersuasion

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The married person in question would have to have prooved to me, that all was coture up and up and Nobody minded. I have never been and I will never be someone's dirty secret. If he or she can't openly be with me even in a nonsexual way it will never happen.

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RE: Would you ditch the hitched? - 3/27/2005 3:01:29 PM

LoneGoddess

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Absolutely none. I want my own man, thanks.

~LG

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RE: Would you ditch the hitched? - 3/28/2005 7:03:42 AM

Mlicious

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I am not interested in playing w/ married men. No matter what the community - vanilla or not, sharing such intimacies w/ someone other than your spouse is cheating. I agree w/ many of the responses here, my only exception would be if the spouse knows and approves. An even hotter concept is if the spouse wants to learn about bdsm so that she can ultimately become his Domme. I am all for that. Unfortunately, that has not been my experience. I get inquiries from men frequently enough where the vanilla spouse does not know and I wont be a party to that. I flatly tell them that and send them links to resources that encourage them to pursue their interests w/ their spouse.

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RE: Would you ditch the hitched? - 3/28/2005 7:37:13 AM

GddssBella

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G'morning all:

My personal preference is completely unattached subs. If you want the grit, you can see my profile for specifics. I'm too lazy this early in the day to pontificate on the mind set behind my choice, lol. On to the play topic:

I have "played" with married subs, of both genders, only with the knowledge, consent & attendance of the mate. Play by my definition in this format being; non-sexual contact, public club or house party. Otherwise, I inform the inquiring individual of my disinterest & reasons for same, bidding them good luck elsewhere.

I mention this as an aside. Why did the person get married if the partner didn't discuss alternative sexual expressions or condone bdsm behavior? Does the spouse even know? If not, serious trust issues are at stake. Marriage is not an item of convience, rather a bonding of souls. Betrayal of that vow is ugly. {kicks soapbox back under her futon}

On the whole I believe most people desire single subs because in the end; a) who wants to play second fiddle? & b) why expend so much effort & energy when someone else reaps the benefits?

Stay safe all, play nice, & share your toys w/ others....

Bella

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RE: Would you ditch the hitched? - 3/28/2005 8:05:17 AM

onceburned

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quote:

Why did the person get married if the partner didn't discuss alternative sexual expressions or condone bdsm behavior?

On this question I can answer only for myself, but I was ashamed - and scared - of my interest in kink. It was a struggle I hoped to win, so it was a topic I didn't raise with my wife before we married.

Of course, a married couple needs to make decisions together when those matters affect each other. When I couldn't suppress my interests my wife was willing to walk with me a certain distance. We incorporated a bit of play but she was not dominant, and unwilling/unable to learn.

So I got permission to play and introduced my wife to the woman who would top me. And I am glad I did it that way - no one was betrayed, used or hurt. Yes, it was a serious step to go outside the marriage, and it may have weakend the marriage, but at least as a couple it was decision we made.

< Message edited by onceburned -- 3/28/2005 10:38:26 AM >

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RE: Would you ditch the hitched? - 3/28/2005 8:07:46 AM

snmsub

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As long as the partner is aware and consents, I don't see it as a big problem. It's not something I would do though.

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RE: Would you ditch the hitched? - 3/28/2005 8:08:03 AM

ProtagonistLily

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quote:

Ladies, under what set of criteria would you play with a married person, or is that a hard limit no no for You?

I played regularly with a married Dom for several years. His submissive/wife is my best friend. She not only consented, but was often present while we sessioned.

The only way I play with married people is with the husband/wife's consent. Otherwise, it's a deal breaker/hard limit.

Lily

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RE: Would you ditch the hitched? - 3/28/2005 9:57:01 AM

indydomme

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Well, there are a couple of reasons why I refuse to get involved with another married man (as I have done in the past, shame on me).

First reason is that I am looking for a boy who can be mine, mine alone, completely. A married man will never be able to give me that. I don't want to waste my time.

The second reason is that married men tend (notice I said TEND, not ALL married men ARE) to be dishonest, and I don't care to get involved with people I already don't trust.

Thanks.
Miss Erin

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RE: Would you ditch the hitched? - 3/28/2005 2:22:02 PM

proudsub

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quote:

I mention this as an aside. Why did the person get married if the partner didn't discuss alternative sexual expressions or condone bdsm behavior?

In my case we were married 34 yrs before i knew anything about this lifestyle. I think a lot of married people discover their dominant or submissive desires many years after their marriage.

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RE: Would you ditch the hitched? - 3/28/2005 8:13:45 PM

gdslvr

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Thank you for all comments by the various Domme's. Now i have to get up my nerve to discuss my sub nature, And yes, many people do not recognize their D/S side until many years later. Caio.

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RE: Would you ditch the hitched? - 3/28/2005 9:28:52 PM

SherriA

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I'm married, and my spouse doesn't know who I play with. He doesn't get a vote.

We live in different states and haven't gotten around to getting divorced (there's a tax benefit to remaining married). In *our* case, it's not cheating, because there's no promise or expectation of fidelity. If people have issues with me being married, that's up to them.

When people ask if I'm single I always answer that it depends on how they define single. I'm married...and I have a regular fuckbuddy (who gets informed if I fuck other people (but doesn't have veto power), since it's his right to make an informed choice about the risks he takes). I consider myself pretty single, but not everyone would agree with that definition.

There are LOTS of shades of grey out there.

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RE: Would you ditch the hitched? - 3/29/2005 4:41:56 PM

painworthy

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Thanks so much to those that took the time to reply. I'm surprised that there are quite a few responders so far that would play with a married person. I feel compelled to respond to the speculation that kinksters who marry in a vanilla context are being somehow dishonest. For those of us a little longer of tooth, we may not have realized our kinky leanings until much after marriage. That being said, i agree generally that a couple simply must discuss their intimate feelings. but also i recognize that there may be rare circumstances where this would not be the right path, i just can't think of any.

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RE: Would you ditch the hitched? - 3/29/2005 6:29:18 PM

SweetDommes

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SherriA

I'm married, and my spouse doesn't know who I play with. He doesn't get a vote.

We live in different states and haven't gotten around to getting divorced (there's a tax benefit to remaining married). In *our* case, it's not cheating, because there's no promise or expectation of fidelity. If people have issues with me being married, that's up to them.

When people ask if I'm single I always answer that it depends on how they define single. I'm married...and I have a regular fuckbuddy (who gets informed if I fuck other people (but doesn't have veto power), since it's his right to make an informed choice about the risks he takes). I consider myself pretty single, but not everyone would agree with that definition.

There are LOTS of shades of grey out there.

There are always exceptions to every rule - if there aren't, then someone has hidden them. But the honesty is what I'm talking about - you are honest about the fact that you are still married and why you are still married. You are honest about the fact that you have a regular fuckbuddy - and you tell him about anyone else you are involved with. It's that communication thing again.

I personally have some strong feelings on this one, as one of our potential boys (who knows that what we are looking for is 24/7 live-in arrangements) just got dropped like a pot straight off the stove ... because his wife got online and told me about herself. It's the lying and cheating that I despise, not the fact that he is married.

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