The Extra Wheel

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The Extra Wheel - 2/20/2006 2:24:10 PM

shigglyboom

Posts: 49
Joined: 10/10/2005
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There's a Dom and sub couple who I like and respect very much, both together and individually.

Recently the Dom suggested, with the sub listening, that I come visit (they live far apart.) The likelihood was that some dynamic would be present between us. Although the couple had discussed and agreed on bringing in others in theory, the sub was taken by surprise and was hurt.

The Dom realized that, given personal things, the timing was bad and the possibility of anything other than friendship between us was withdrawn for an indefinite amount of time. I was sad and my response in chat came across as accusatory, although it wasn't meant that way. There were hurt feelings on both sides. In short, we've all three had to work to patch up our relationships since then, and the work's not finished.

Now both their priorities are on strengthening their relationship, and I believe that's right and support it wholeheartedly. But what do I do in the meantime? When I talk with her, I feel like she's friendly but defensive, circling the wagons and excluding me. When I talk with him, because we're trying so hard not to have a dynamic, it feels like these great chasms exist where we don't dare speak. And I don't feel like I can talk with either of them about these problems because they're busy with their primary couple stuff, and I agree with them that that's most important.

I feel like I'm out shivering on the street looking in the window at the warmth and it hurts to stand and watch. I want to walk on so I don't have to look, and yet I don't want to leave them behind as friends.

What's a third wheel to do?
(Oops, is it third wheel or fifth wheel?)

< Message edited by shigglyboom -- 2/20/2006 2:39:38 PM >

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RE: Waiting in the wings - 2/20/2006 2:51:25 PM

atlcouple2

Posts: 8
Joined: 9/7/2005
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It sounds to be like you might have come to an impass... I don't think it's totally irreprable, but the Dom will have to take a greater hand in healing the sub's attitude toward you and you will have to make a point of staying polite, but agressive about looking for a solution or moving on. I hate to see people break apart over misunderstandings. But I do think that if you are feeling pushed away you might consider making them aware of that, if they don't already. The Dom may not be aware of that... and the sub might be intentionally giving you the cold shoulder in a polite manner. I know it's a fence you are walking on... Just give it a little time and keep OPEN COMMUNICATION between you all. Open communication is the key to having a good relationship M/s D/s Vanilla or otherwise. Good luck with everything. I hope it all turns toward the good, but I will say to you if it doesn't work out and you get tired of the cold shoulder. "This too shall pass." It will be hard. but "There are other Dom's in the sea." And Dom sub couples are out there... you have to find what is just right for you. You also might ask from the beginning if they both understand what each other's intentions are. It can be hard for single subs, but women in particular because they tend to get harassed a lot. Good luck what ever happens for you. Miss Peyton PS How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time!

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RE: The Extra Wheel - 2/20/2006 4:05:12 PM

LadiesBladewing

Posts: 518
Joined: 8/31/2005
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My response would be to go on with your life, including getting involved in other social situations that will be satisfying for you. Maintain the friendship, but take the pressure off -- both them and yourself. Given time, this situation may resolve itself, but you're not a victim here. You can have a perfectly satisfying life whether these people are -in- your life as more than friends or not. The key is to know yourself, and treat this as growing time, instead of a punishment.

Maybe you could take up a hobby that interests you, and get involved with others who participate in the same hobby. Maybe you could spend some time volunteering in the community with others who share one of the causes that you feel passionate about.

The -last- thing you'll want to do is sit around waiting for these folks to heal their relationship and bring you in. It may happen, but waiting for it is like watching water boil -- the closer you watch, the longer it takes. Take a zen approach -- let go, and let grow, and see what develops in your life when you don't have pre-conceived ideas about what "should" be happening, or how long it's taking the thing you're clinging to to bear fruit.

Lady Zephyr

< Message edited by LadiesBladewing -- 2/20/2006 4:06:47 PM >

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"Should have", "could have", "would have" and "can't" may be the most dangerous phrases in the English language.

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RE: The Extra Wheel - 2/22/2006 8:16:19 PM

xXDollFaceXx

Posts: 9
Joined: 10/6/2005
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alright. i'm surprised i actually have a reply for this. And i apologize if it doesnt quite make sense. My advice rarely does.

I understand your situation, but from a diffrent point of view. I have your Dom's point of view. I have a sub whom i love an adore, she is my equal and i care deeply about her feelings and such, but she knows that i make the rules. I at one point had a fiance. He wanted to be my slave but i didn't desire that kind of relationship with him. But i still wore the pants in that relationship. The time came for us to decide about a living arrangements and i wasn't willing to lose either of them, so in my mind we could all live in a house and i could just trade beds every other night and the world would be perfect. Apparently the other two had such strong feelings for me that they would be very hurt in that situation. Neither of them really wanted to share me. I spent a long time in termoil over this. I realized that my happy litlle world wasn't gonna work and i had to pick one, I realized that i picked my sub. Luckily before the living arangements had to be set, me and my fiance went our seperate ways anyways and now my sub and i are working on getting an apartment.

So what i'm trying to get at is that you just hafta get your feelings out there, bad time or not, because keeping them inside isn't accomplishing much and things have a way of just flowing and things will click at the right time. Don't let it rub you the wrong way, just get your thoughts out there and sit back and see what happens.

no worries.

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RE: The Extra Wheel - 2/23/2006 6:49:03 AM

fyreredsub

Posts: 1231
Joined: 10/7/2005
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if there is one thing i have learned in a poly relationhip---
listen to your gut

and the best way for poly to work is when the slave finds the sister,develops friendship then trust,
the rest falls into place and master gets 2 happy slaves that wish to please
instead of animosity,jealous,pettyness and bullshit...

there are those that will smile and lie and drive a wedge and if ur the new girl shame on u...
cause you'll get the blame

altho i do know of when a master was so smitten with new one he didnt believe old one and had to find out the hard way...
however, they did end up happily aver after,lol

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The glory of a slave girl is that she is a slave: and the misery of a slave girl is that she is a slave.
"Beasts of Gor" page 56

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RE: The Extra Wheel - 2/24/2006 3:47:26 PM

shigglyboom

Posts: 49
Joined: 10/10/2005
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Thanks for very good advice Atl, LadiesB, Dollface & Fyre. It's always hard to feel so close to what you want and then be turned away, but I have been busy in other aspects of my life and that has helped ease the feelings. I also identified some hurtful old memories that I didn't realize were magnifying my sadness, and talking them through with the Dom this week helped me see things more clearly.

The friendships are rekindling. There remains a chill on the sub's part that wasn't there before, but I try not to take it personally because I suspect it's unconscious and unavoidable while she tries to sort out her feelings of safety in her relationship. While I fear that it could easily turn into anger towards me, hopefully because she's very self-aware and we truly like each other, it won't.

The Dom had asked me not to think of what happened as an ending, but I have decided that I have to. As you advised, I can't wait in limbo; I have to assume that there will be nothing but friendship for me there and move on in creating the life I want. But that won't preclude a new beginning sometime if the situation allows.

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RE: The Extra Wheel - 2/24/2006 3:53:36 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 1512
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
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Hey Shiggly - no limbo for you!

Carry on and find what you are looking for.
As silly as is sounds.....if something is meant to happen with them, it will. But it's better for them to be entirely comfortable before you go there, you don't want to step into any weirdness.

Hugs.

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