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Successful Polyamorous Relationships? - 11/18/2005 1:00:55 PM

slavejali

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Im not poly but i have a question regarding it.

Is anyone in, or do you know anyone who is in a successful long term poly relationship? If so, how long has the relationship been together?(really want that question answered cuz everyones definition of long term is different). What are the keys to success for you in this type of relationship?

also...if you have been, or known someone who has been in a poly relationship that has broken up what has been the cause?

Im from Australia and one of our actors here Jack Thompson was in one for a long time with two sisters, a long time being like 20 years or something..they did break up though, i think it was because one of the sisters wanted to have a baby or something...

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RE: Successful Polyamorous Relationships? - 11/18/2005 1:13:33 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 2651
Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali
Is anyone in, or do you know anyone who is in a successful long term poly relationship? If so, how long has the relationship been together?(really want that question answered cuz everyones definition of long term is different). What are the keys to success for you in this type of relationship?

I know of two personally. They are both open and poly and have been going strong over a decade.

Keys for success are the same as in any relationship- honesty, communication, shared expectations, compatibility, long term priority sharing. I also find it essential to enjoy alone time.

quote:

also...if you have been, or known someone who has been in a poly relationship that has broken up what has been the cause?

For me it was mostly growth and change of life situation. Only once was a relationship broken up due to jealousy and insecurity.

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 2

RE: Successful Polyamorous Relationships? - 11/18/2005 1:22:58 PM

Jacques1000

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Good Morning Jali,

It depends on your definition of long term, but I am taking it as more than 1-2 yrs. The people I know personally in this situation vary from 1yr to nearly a decade. In the later case they have a commune, and whilst there is some attrition and new growth, the core group of individuals has been there for some time. The key ingredients are similar to all lasting relationships: open, frank communication, perseverence, tolerance, and finding more right than wrong. Another feature is that the people have been very deliberate about initiating a relationship with other parties, and so I guess 'selection' 'suitability' has been an important consideration.

As for dissolutions, yes, I also know of a group who broke up after a pregnancy and it seemed that the childcare and parental responsibilities were a bit factor in that, as was an ultimatum.
I understand the biological mother had issues with her child growing up in a poly environment but I am not aware of the exact details.

In another case, it was caused by substantial geographical seperation after a period all living together. It proved unworkable.

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 3

RE: Successful Polyamorous Relationships? - 11/18/2005 4:21:43 PM

LadiesBladewing

Posts: 518
Joined: 8/31/2005
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My spiritual mentor spent 15 years in a poly household that only separated with the death of 2 of the members. He and another companion of his then joined our household, and spent another 3 years with my mate and myself (we'd been living together for a year, but not yet as mates). Again, it was death that ended the relationship, but my mate and I are still together, and we're going on 9 years.

For us, the keys to success have revolved around communication and shared goals, in terms of what we want our "family of choice" to look like. We have all been very, very different, but our differences have balanced one another and our ideals, and the way we look at the world, even if our language wasn't the same, was very compatible. We were patient, didn't rush or push the relationship, and didn't compromise just to add people, though Havens know that it was very lonely after the loss of our companions!

(To add some perspective, I was in a monogamous marriage for 13 years, my current mate was in one that lasted for 8 years.)

Lady Zephyr

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali

Im not poly but i have a question regarding it.

Is anyone in, or do you know anyone who is in a successful long term poly relationship? If so, how long has the relationship been together?(really want that question answered cuz everyones definition of long term is different). What are the keys to success for you in this type of relationship?

also...if you have been, or known someone who has been in a poly relationship that has broken up what has been the cause?

Im from Australia and one of our actors here Jack Thompson was in one for a long time with two sisters, a long time being like 20 years or something..they did break up though, i think it was because one of the sisters wanted to have a baby or something...

< Message edited by LadiesBladewing -- 11/18/2005 4:23:13 PM >

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 4

RE: Successful Polyamorous Relationships? - 11/19/2005 11:18:58 AM

SweetDommes

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Our poly relationship is just over 2 years old now (rob moved in at the beginning of Nov '03). With talk of marriage and what we are going to do to the house over the next 10 years, minimal fighting, etc ... I can see it lasting a very long time. We recently added a second boy, and I can see him still being a part of the family for the next 20+ years (new addition or not, he's already talking about marriage too).

(in reply to LadiesBladewing)

Post #: 5

RE: Successful Polyamorous Relationships? - 11/19/2005 2:14:48 PM

anopheles

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Joined: 6/23/2005
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quote:

also...if you have been, or known someone who has been in a poly relationship that has broken up what has been the cause?

Have known of three, and the reasons have been different every time. The new relationship energy has been the underlying factor for the most part in those. It's a hell of alot of fun at first, but when the "newness" wears off, things can have a tendency to take on a very different tone, because the luster of getting to know someone wears off. That can sometimes lead people to do some very out of character things, especially when the relationship has two parties that don't seem eye to eye.

In my opinion, the most successful poly relationships are a triangle, where everyone has an attachment to each other person. Often though, it turns into a V, where one person is the lynchpin between the other two, and those other two, neither have or want any involvement with each other.

--Anopheles

_____________________________

You've got me so high, my shoes are scraping the sky -- for my Luvdragon

(in reply to SweetDommes)

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RE: Successful Polyamorous Relationships? - 11/20/2005 11:06:01 AM

LadiesBladewing

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I've always seen our "eventual household" as a polyhedron--one of those interesting ones that you find at The Discovery Store" that unfolds into a big sphere, and folds up into this big star made up of conjoined panels around a central hub.

*chuckles*
Lady Zephyr

(in reply to anopheles)

Post #: 7

RE: Successful Polyamorous Relationships? - 11/20/2005 11:16:22 AM

MistressAmy

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In my case our poly relationship lasted 6 years and ended only because of a fatal car accident. I've known other people whose poly relationships have lasted for long periods of times and others who only last a few months. The key seems to be jelousy. If everyone is seen as an equal to the relationship, things seem to be far more stable than if one person is feeling left out or one person is trying to dominate the relationship. I think any relationship in our upside down world, poly or monogomus is hard to sustain if you don't constantly work at it.

Amy

(in reply to LadiesBladewing)

Post #: 8

RE: Successful Polyamorous Relationships? - 11/20/2005 11:24:35 AM

naughtyboystoys

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Yes Poly can be successful but as the others have said it is necessary for total honesty, communication, and openness.

I lived poly with my vanilla husband for nearly 20 years, over that time it did become a v because not everyone was willing to continue to work at it. Not any one of us was without fault, and in the end W/we are all still friends and coimmunicate often. Though none of us live together any longer.

Alone time for each pairing is also important as well as joined time, shared idea and ideals. There can not be an a&b or b&c, or even a&c most everything should be a b c. Now yes there will be some things more shared between two but that should be offset by the strength of the other matching more closely in a different area. It is the responsibility of all the individuals to make sure that it does not become lopsided for any extended period of time.

Yes there are times that one person will need more support but again it should be offset and the outside partner should not be left behind as a result of the additional need. i beleive that poly is the hardest relationship with all the balancing but is by far the most rewarding and incredible that can exist. Each person bringing strength and need that hopefull will compliment each other.

susan
in submission to
Master_of_Knots (MoK)

(in reply to LadiesBladewing)

Post #: 9

RE: Successful Polyamorous Relationships? - 11/20/2005 8:05:53 PM

Sensualips

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I think that also depends on your definition of successful.

I personally also differentiate between polysexual and polyarmorous. Polysexual is what I call the open/swinger type marriages or long term relationships. They tend to be focused on sex and the third (or fourth and fifth) partners are frequently one time or short term relationships. Sometimes these are near strangers, sometimes casual friends with a sexual component, sometimes long term deeper friendships. These can be special-occassion poly people or lifestyler poly-people.

When I say polyarmourous I tend to think more of the living together or otherwise committed to long term type multi faceted relationships.

I know people involved in successful versions of both. I know many swinger / polysexual couples that have been together for more than 10, 15, 20 years. I know many that are in newer relationships, sometimes struggling, but they would characterize things as "successful" thus far.

I know a MFM poly family that has been committed for two years, a MFFM for six, and a MFF for 18 months.

In the polysexual lifestyle I have known some very healthy, happy couples. I have also seen and known a lot of couples that would be classified as a chaotic, disfunctional, unhealthy mess by most. I am not convinced the relationships would automatically be more successful if they were monogamous.

I also know many couples that have split due to issues related to polysexuality. Only these couples could determine if the issues that caused the split were caused by poly, if the issues were existing but intensified by the poly arrangement, or if they turned to poly because the relationship was already failing. I know that 50% of "regular" marriages end in divorce and assume many traditional committed relationships end before marriage. I am not sure if anyone has really done a research based comparison between the groups. If anyone knows of one, I would love to see/read it.

My somewhat-open marriage of thirteen years eventually ended when I asked my husband to sever a relationship with another women that I had originally approved of. The situation had evolved into something outside my comfort level. He chose to continue the relationship with the other woman and asked for a divorce. They now live together and are monogamous. It was extremely painful for us both. He would tell you the divorce was not due to the other woman. For a long time, I belived it was directly related - he left me for her, plain and simple. With time and distance, I have been able to identify some other things going on I perhaps did not want to examine at the time. Also, I was always the one guiding him into poly sexual relationships (women only) and I think he just was not a good emotional fit for that.

So was that a successful poly relationship or not? Well, we were together and monogomous and happy/content for five years. We were poly and happy/content for another nine or so. And we were unhappy for the last six months and split. For me, it is a tough call.

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 10

RE: Successful Polyamorous Relationships? - 11/20/2005 8:29:34 PM

OsideGirl

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I know one poly family that has at least 10 years together.

_____________________________

Bobbi

(in reply to Sensualips)

Post #: 11

RE: Successful Polyamorous Relationships? - 11/30/2005 7:13:48 PM

kyraofMists

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I am in no way an expert on poly since I have only been in a poly relationship for seven months. However, my Lord and alandra have been in a relationship for over 20 years with three years in another poly relationship. Despite my lack of experience, I do know what it is taking from me to make this relationship satisfying, not just for me but for my Lord and alandra as well.

Integrity – it is a cornerstone to my well-being. It keeps me honest with myself and within my relationships.
Acceptance – not only do I have to accept my Lord and alandra for who they are and what they bring to the relationship, I have to accept myself and what I have to offer.
Trust – I had to earn my Lord and alandra’s trust and continue to demonstrate daily that I deserve that trust.
Respect – There are different types of respect needed, self-respect, individual respect for my Lord and alandra but also respect for the other relationships in the house. In comments I have heard and posts that I have read it seems that this tears apart many poly relationships, the lack of respect for the other bonds that exists in the house.

These are but a few of the strengths that the three of us bring to this relationship. It has not all been wonderful and picture perfect. There has been hurt, anger, tears, frustrations, but there has been growth and a healing of past wounds for all of us. The laughter and the joy have far outweighed any of the pain. They make me want to be a better me and I inspire that in them as well.

The best relationship advice I ever received was, “It is easy to fall in love; it takes work to stay in love.”

Knight’s kyra

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 12

RE: Successful Polyamorous Relationships? - 11/30/2005 9:44:19 PM

SirSix72

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I have to say this is one of the most wonderful and truthful posts I have seen in a bit here on Collarme.

Master Six

_____________________________

I wish you well

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 13

RE: Successful Polyamorous Relationships? - 11/30/2005 10:01:48 PM

angaothsi

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I concur SirSix72, KnightofMists has taught her very well it seems to me, she posts as articulately and eloquently as He does IMHO. A creidt to her training!

(in reply to SirSix72)

Post #: 14

RE: Successful Polyamorous Relationships? - 12/1/2005 1:01:36 AM

CrymzonKajira

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Joined: 11/15/2005
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quote:

I have to say this is one of the most wonderful and truthful posts I have seen in a bit here on Collarme.

Master Six,
I do have to agree as well, her words even again touched upon my heart. I took them to mean so much and even re-read them for furture refence in the next venture I take...
M'lady, a credit to your training, you speak words that needed to be said...they have been long overdue in this forum...
Thank you from the bottom of this broken one's lil slave heart.

CrymzonKajira

< Message edited by CrymzonKajira -- 12/1/2005 1:05:49 AM >

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RE: Successful Polyamorous Relationships? - 12/1/2005 11:58:33 AM

Belladonna82

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kyra, you are absolutly right. Poly is a hard road for most. Trust and respect are so hard to give and get in this day and age. When I personaly think of poly I think of absolute trust within the poly household. Without trust you have nothing.Without respect we are all lost. I pray to the Goddess that one day I will be able to open up and see things as you seem too. My utmost respect to Master KOM. Blessed be :)

_____________________________

Blessed be!

(in reply to kyraofMists)

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RE: Successful Polyamorous Relationships? - 12/1/2005 2:20:51 PM

slavejali

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i really enjoyed reading the replies to this, im glad i asked the questions. Kyra's reply made me think maybe thats the reason im not poly, i think its hard enough finding one person who has all those qualities...it would be so much harder introducing others into that relationship for fear of them upsetting that balance..yet saying that..if it were possible and it seems some people have found it...i can imagine what a powerful relationship poly life could be.

(in reply to Belladonna82)

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RE: Successful Polyamorous Relationships? - 12/1/2005 2:39:29 PM

KnightofMists

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Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

I am in no way an expert on poly since I have only been in a poly relationship for seven months. However, my Lord and alandra have been in a relationship for over 20 years with three years in another poly relationship. Despite my lack of experience, I do know what it is taking from me to make this relationship satisfying, not just for me but for my Lord and alandra as well.

kyra, small correction dear... alandra I have been together since the summer of 1987 not quite 20 years yet!

OP... A sucessful Polyamorous Relationships... oh my... what is that? what is successful... that is in of itself is subjective. is success meaning they are still together... well as I stated before and as kyra has stated... I had a previous poly-relationship that ended after alittle over three years. It ended because we became incompatible! Differences in desires/wants/ideals/values and even behaviors made us incompatible. But, it was very successful for myself... the learning gained from the experience is worth more than all the thoughts, opinions and observations that can be gained from the outside looking in.

Now.. what is Polyamorous... that is rather subjective I am finding from person to person. I one type of polyamorous for 3 years, where it went from stage to stage. She lived apart from alandra and I... moved in and lived together and then added to the family with her boy.. and then moved out again... and after awhile from there the relationship ended. However, well before she came in my life... I was having other relationships... intimate relationships. These relationships didn't have a direct intimacy with alandra... but she was intimate in the knowledge of them. So for over the pasts 6-7 years I have been actively engaging in intimate relationships that have been of various degrees of importance. Taking a further step back in time. Since 1990, having other intimate relationship was a viable possibility. I still remember the day that alandra sat in front of me and reflect the "self-awareness and Self-Acceptance" when she stated "I will Share you some day" it was that statement that lead us to discuss poly in all it's forms... it was that day that we began to seek what she desired most. A sister to share in her love for me.

Many choose to enter into poly after the first joined couple been together a short while. I can't say there is anything wrong with that... but I have never seen such a situation work beyond a short time. I waited several years before I brought others into our life... learning slowly carefully. Ironcially, when I brought someone into our life that was going to be a significant part... this person turned out to be incompatiable. So much for taking ones time. lol. But, the learning was in the realization that I took my time to ensure my relationship was secure with alandra and the relationship I had with myself was secure. All the other relationships I had over the past 6-7 years didn't provide me what I need most to understand. What do I need from another and what do I have to give. Oh yes I had ideals and opinions. But, not near enough thought went into it as I should of put. The biggest mistake I made was thinking I knew myself!

The fact is we don't know ourselves... we only think we do. We look at the past.. and try to learn from it... but even our perceptions of the past is in complete. We miss things... we only see what we want to see sometimes. As an exercise, as someone you know dearly, ask them to share a memory.... be sure before hand to have this memory reviewed as much as possible. Watch how this person reflects on images that you don't recall... or if you do .. you lack the detail that your partner has. This is not to forget the the emotional differences that you two have of it. So our view of our past is incomplete, but yet we state our understanding of self largely based on our past. Even in the present, we think we know ourselves. But yet similiar moments can be suddenly different sometimes just because our emotions are different and not to mention the interactions we have with others in any given moment. I once heard from a motivational speaker that we have to experience a particularly learning situation 16 times in various emotional states before we actually can begin to truly learn from it.

The greatest lesson I have learned and can share to anyone.... "is I am a different person every moment as such so is everyone else"

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 18

RE: Successful Polyamorous Relationships? - 12/1/2005 3:11:23 PM

slavejali

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Joined: 11/8/2005
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quote:

OP... A sucessful Polyamorous Relationships... oh my... what is that? what is successful... that is in of itself is subjective. is success meaning they are still together...

I guess success in regards to relationship means enduring to me Sir, unsuccessful is a break-up. Although i do know that we learn and receives gifts of knowledge about ourselves from each person that passes through our life, if thats happening i see that as a success on a personal life level.

i know this is going to change the topic a little bit, but something you said made me think.
i think its true, people do get their identifications from the experiences they have had and this is to blame for people not knowing themselves. If the process of knowing yourself just amounted to the acceptance of ourselves as shaped by experiences, how could we ever know ourselves, given the fact that we probably have about a zillion experiences a day, and those experiences are being melded with our past experiences and then the product of that is what we identify with, which would basically make us figments of our own imaginations, no real substance at all.
We have to be more than our experiences..dont we?

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 19

RE: Successful Polyamorous Relationships? - 12/1/2005 3:39:18 PM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali

We have to be more than our experiences..dont we?

Yes we are.... Beliefs/values/Principles are also things that we identify with... not to mention our hopes/dreams/wants/desires. Our experiences have a major impact upon affecting how we see things various things... but it is a perceptions... and no perceptions is complete. I share a small piece of a writing I did awhile ago....

"I often describe the lifestyle as a jewel of infinite facets. Individuals on this jewel have their own specific facet to look upon the lifestyle. We are intimate with this view; it is the one we have the greatest understanding of. Looking into our own facet we can see a multitude of colors that cast upon us and color our view of the lifestyle. As we broaden our relationships with others, we become fortunate to catch a glimpse of their own individual facet. These relationships can have the very positive effect of giving us a greater understanding of our own lives and the facet that we view the lifestyle from. From this interaction, the lifestyle can grow and prosper for every ones benefit. The jewel can be a beauty to behold for the person that has the courage to live it"

yes we are more than our experiences!

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 20

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