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Sub with vanilla husband - 12/1/2005 2:42:58 AM

DelightfulSpirit

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Joined: 11/23/2005
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There is such a wide range of how relationships can be done, each must follow his or her own heart.

I invite your opinions on the following issue:

Can a polyamorous D/s relationship work out where the submissive has a vanilla spouse? How? What areas are best kept separate? What areas are good for the husband and the Dominant to consult with each other on?

_____________________________

Surrendering to the Mother Goddess
is the most sacred form of D/s.
~ Mystress Angelique Serpent

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RE: Sub with vanilla husband - 12/1/2005 5:57:40 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 2651
Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DelightfulSpirit
Can a polyamorous D/s relationship work out where the submissive has a vanilla spouse? How?

Sure. The submissive has a dominant who is not her spouse.

quote:

What areas are best kept separate?

Whatever works in your relationship.

quote:

What areas are good for the husband and the Dominant to consult with each other on?

Any that they feel they should. My Bostons partners wife has another partner as her master. They rarely talk with eachother directly. As long as the wife communicates everything to everyone, and keeps everyone informed and everyone respects their place in eachothers lives, it can work out fine.

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RE: Sub with vanilla husband - 12/1/2005 10:45:04 AM

softpjOS

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Joined: 6/7/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DelightfulSpirit

There is such a wide range of how relationships can be done, each must follow his or her own heart.

I invite your opinions on the following issue:

Can a polyamorous D/s relationship work out where the submissive has a vanilla spouse? How? What areas are best kept separate? What areas are good for the husband and the Dominant to consult with each other on?

I'm guessing you are not talking about an online situation so with that in mind....my own personal experince on the subject:

I have a vanilla husband as well as a Mistress. We started out online with frequent visits and last year I (as well as my family) moved 1200 miles so I could be closer to Her. Prior to the move my husband secured a (much better) job in Her area so please don't get the idea that I just packed my family up on a whim and moved without regard to my familys needs.

Anyway..back to your questions

Can it work?
That would depend entirely on the people involved.

How?
Complete honesty and clear communication would be of utmost importance. Frequent "group" discussions where concerns/feelings are honestly discussed. I find myself the topic of many conversations between my husband and Mistress. I'm not always entirely comfortable sitting back and listening to them talk about me but I also know it is extremely important for them to have a mutal understanding of the "whole picture". Meaning my relationship with each of them is completely open to the other.

What areas are best kept seperate?
In my situation that would include any punishment Mistress felt necessary because my husband isn't comfortable in knowing the intimate details of such. He knows punishment is carried out and most times knows when it is going to occur, he simply doesn't want to know the details. Usually he only asks..."did you agree to this?" We also have a rule firmly in place... Family First ALWAYS. At no time will our relationship with the other damage nor interfere with our familys needs. IE: My husband has a company function that will fall on the same night as something Mistress wishes me to attend with Her.... I will go with him, no questions or discussion about it.

What areas do they "consult" each other on?
Everything. They are very close friends with a mutual interest. Me. Everything from my physical, emotional well being to the clothes I wear is open for discussion between them. My rule of no orgasm without permision does not apply to sex with him, my rule of no furniture does not apply if I am spending time with him. Complete mutual respect and trust. She would not give me an assignment that would damage his trust or respect, just as he would not ask me to do something that would go against Her wishes. If feels something may upset him, She discusses it with him first.

I remember a "punishment" that was dealt out while I still lived 1200 miles away.....
I am a serious coffee hound, Mistress decided that since I loved coffee so much it would be a fitting reminder of my love to Her if I were required to call Her and ask permission when ever I wanted a cup of coffee. This was to be done for one week and included that precious first cup in the morning which would require me calling Her at 3am, waking Her up to ask for it. My husband always brings me that first cup in bed (yea, I'm spoiled). He knew about the phone call requirement and would dangle the first cup over my head and say...do you have permission yet?? ARGH!!

So yes, they do "work together" in many many ways. And yes, I am one very lucky girl to have both of them in my life.

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RE: Sub with vanilla husband - 12/13/2005 3:35:51 PM

denika

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Joined: 8/30/2005
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I would like to consider my husband more along the lines of 'butterscotch' instead of vanilla *ss* The first time I went to a play party he was out of town, I made sure he knew where I was but he was definatly trying to figure out just why I was doing it. Rob knows I have a strong desire to submit, to explore my masochistic nature.We have always had an open marriage. In the begining we had a poly relationship with another woman that lived with us for about a year and a half, there was no BDSM involved just open minds and the ability to communicate.

Rob makes no bones about not being intrested in paying me the way Knight does, that being said as the months have slipped by Rob has enjoyed coming up with all sorts of wicked idea's for scenes. My husband does not want my submition, or my pain. We have almost an opposite relationship than what I have with Knight. However, just because Rob is an incredible romantic doesn't mean he doesn't have his own very kinky streak, but he's not a Sadist and doesn't pretend to be.

Communication is something that I can't stress enough. That and friendship. Letting someone hit you is more intimate than sex in some ways and you have to be able to have conversations with the people you play with outside of D/s. At least we do.

When we are all together I defer to my Top for direction, any requests about me tho go through Himself and my husband.

It can work, it just takes alot of patients, communication and a desire on all involved to be a part of each others lives. It can be a struggle at time and I have had to remind myself that no matter how much I wish Rob would dominate or play me, that it is as unfair an expectation as him wanting me to ignore my submissive and bisexual nature. It doesn't mean I don't have my 'I want day's' but I think no matter what type of relationship we are in those feelings happen. Exploring them helps to understand.

denika

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RE: Sub with vanilla husband - 12/13/2005 5:41:47 PM

denika

Posts: 58
Joined: 8/30/2005
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I really need to work on not typing when half asleep! I'm having an issue with editing *ss* the line from my post above is supposed to say "about not being intrested in PLAYING me the same as Knight" lol, said Knight just pointed that out to me, I have been paid for many odd things (get your minds out of the gutter *g*) but never that. Darn spelling Gnomes, always stealing vowels and consanants when you need them

denika

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RE: Sub with vanilla husband - 12/25/2005 3:09:44 PM

DelightfulSpirit

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Joined: 11/23/2005
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To all of you who replied to my post: Thank you sooooo much!!

After I posted here, I sort of forgot I had, and just now came back on the message board and saw your replies. It is so encouraging. I do think that anything can work, it is possible to create our own way, with, of course, the open communication that is essential.

I feel hopeful.

Thanks again,
- Delightful Spirit

~~~

Surrendering to the Mother Goddess
is the most sacred form of D/s.
~ Mystress Angelique Serpent

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RE: Sub with vanilla husband - 12/29/2005 8:32:19 PM

Petruchio

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Part I

I don't know if any of you knew Candance in the early days, but by coincidence she became a neighbor with a new and very nice boyfriend after a series of abusive wannabees. She constantly fretted if she should leave her vanilla boyfriend in one more attempt to find a real and caring Dom.

My advice was that it is easier (though not always possible) to train a nice guy to be a dom, than it is to train a dominant abuser to be a caring. Last I knew, they were buying a house together.

In another case (Hi, Ted and Terri), she gradually revealed her sub desires and was happy to find he became interested in the D/s life too.

Part II

That doesn't directly answer your polyam question, though. Sometimes it work, sometimes it doesn't. Locally, I have friends in the D/s community and their problem wasn't about him being Dom, but that (according to the wife) he wanted to play vanilla sometimes and she didn't. She tried a lot of things to feed her sub habit including going poly. I haven't been in touch for 3-4 months, but my impression was that nobody was happy and their marriage was probably doomed.

One of my friends in high school married a girl that I instantly recognized as a hungry sub. The original session came about in a playful, teasing way, but within two weeks it had evolved into a nude OTK spanking scene in which he sat on the other side of the room, fully clothed, and watched me whip her ass. (It was kind of spooky at first because he was 6'6 and had so much black hair and beard that it made his expression hard to read.) It lasted only a few weeks, but I never forgot it.

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