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Shyness and kink - subs, are you waiting to be captured?


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Shyness and kink - subs, are you waiting to be captured? - 7/1/2005 7:30:30 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 960
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
Here's a question for male subs, who often identify as being shy, especially around women. How much to you think you've grown to consider a femdom relationship because it seems perhaps safer, easier, if the woman was to pursue? If you could have a relationship partner that was not particularly "kinky" per se, but she was aggressive, confident, very sexually driven, not afraid to say what she wants, not afraid to demand sex, and was pretty much the pursuer of your relationship, the pursuer of the sexuality of your relationship -- would that be satisfying, or would the lack of "kink" (bondage, chastity, pain, whatever your kink may be) make it unfulfilling? Are you attracted to the idea that a femdom would be the aggressive one in the relationship? If so, has this ever happened?

Are there any male *doms* that consider themselves extremely shy?

I'd like to hear from male subs who don't consider themselves shy at all -- they're comfortable in a group, they ask women out without hesitation, they are "perceived" by women as being dominant/assertive because of their demeanor. Do you ever have to "pretend" to be a little less aggressive around femdoms in a party type situation, so you don't get "mistaken" for a dominant?

Akasha

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RE: Shyness and kink - subs, are you waiting to be capt... - 7/1/2005 7:34:51 PM   
stormsfate


Posts: 846
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline 		AAkasha, you ask the best questions! Unfortunately, I'm disqualified by my very gender. I am curious about the responses you will receive, though.


best regards,
fate

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RE: Shyness and kink - subs, are you waiting to be capt... - 7/1/2005 8:32:56 PM   
sarbonn


Posts: 193
Joined: 3/23/2004
From: Grand Rapids, MI
Status: offline 		I'm shy. Always have been.

I'd probably be very comfortable with a woman who was of the take-charge nature if that taking charge brought her pleasure as part of the relationship. I don't need the fetishy things to make it work for me. Those were all great when I was exploring this lifestyle for the first time, but while I think such things are great, they wouldn't be necessary for me at all.

I've pretty much given up for now. While I wouldn't turn away the right woman if she came along, I've stopped looking. I run into too many toxic people, and I've started to believe that something I'm doing is attracting them.

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RE: Shyness and kink - subs, are you waiting to be capt... - 7/1/2005 9:10:39 PM   
subrob1967


Posts: 39
Joined: 9/13/2004
Status: offline 		While I am very outgoing, and have no problems initating contact with people, I'm of the strong belief that a Domme should initiate first contact with a submissive.

After all it's usually the Domme who makes the final decision on who she plays with, trains, and or collar's.

I also find some Domme profiles on here humorous, especially the ones which say...
"This is all about me, and my needs, and I don't care what you want".

Last time I looked, it took two people to make a relationship, even one based on service only.

< Message edited by subrob1967 -- 7/1/2005 9:11:07 PM >

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RE: Shyness and kink - subs, are you waiting to be capt... - 7/1/2005 9:18:41 PM   
imtempting


Posts: 874
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline 		Well im very shy. I find it difficult talking to females. Except online where its very easy for me.

In a vanilla relationship no I could not really stand it. I need the kink to finish the whole product. I know it seems contridictory but to me it does not seem right. Its hard to explain why....

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RE: Shyness and kink - subs, are you waiting to be capt... - 7/2/2005 2:05:49 AM   
fillepink


Posts: 123
Joined: 12/18/2004
From: Venus
Status: offline 		As for searching..as a submissive, i have tried initiating contact with Doms..and it has never yielded anything positive. i just revised my profile. i gather it goes through "new profiles" because i am a bit swamped with received mail now. i cannot tell anyone what works, for if i knew, i'd be in a relationship myself.

i'm a mix of things. i have a facade of brazeness, and i have a core of inner strength; but around a Man i am shy. For me it's a uproar inside me over trust. At the end of the day, this is why i could never go back to a vanilla relationship. The trust and intimacy of a D/s relationship could never be achieved. For me, there is no place lonelier tha lying in bed next to one who does not love me, and whom i do not love. Living alone is much better -- at least there is peace. So there will either be a Dom or not; and i leave it up to God.

fillepink


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RE: Shyness and kink - subs, are you waiting to be capt... - 7/2/2005 2:16:39 AM   
onceburned


Posts: 2081
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
How much to you think you've grown to consider a femdom relationship because it seems perhaps safer, easier, if the woman was to pursue?


I am not as shy as I used to be, but no one is going to pick me out of a crowd as dominant/assertive. I am too mellow for that.

I wonder if the difference between an assertive vanilla woman and a dominant D/s woman is a sense of obligation on the domme's part. She understands and accepts the reciprocal nature of the D/s dynamic and looks out for the welfare of her partner.

I am not sure if assertive women would necessarily accept this obligation - viewing it more on terms of 'stand up for yourself' if you want something. I am not even sure if an assertive woman would be attracted to a more passive man.

But I may be totally wrong - I have never dated an assertive vanilla woman.
(BTW, stormsfate is right... Akasha does ask the best questions!)

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RE: Shyness and kink - subs, are you waiting to be capt... - 7/2/2005 2:21:57 AM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 1466
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		I use to be nervous. I never was a Daun Juan. Asking ppl out or making passes at them never caused me to get a date. Some of my past relationships where with ppl who I originally made a pass at who I meet again a few years later in which they made a pass on me. So my experience has been, if the other person is interested, they'll let you know. It may not always be aggressive the right signs will be there. After all, even though there are more females in the world than males, women get to be more selective in there choices.

Out of the people I was originally chatting with on Collarme.com who where single, pet was the only serious one in meeting me. Everyone else had other things to tend to translating They wern't interested, not really ready to meet someone, or they had there plate full with other ppl.

What works best for me is not to be the aggressive one untill the other becomes interested and a little aggressive at first. When in bed, most women let the other know when they are horny and as a gentlemen, I act on it.

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RE: Shyness and kink - subs, are you waiting to be capt... - 7/2/2005 2:45:22 AM   
fillepink


Posts: 123
Joined: 12/18/2004
From: Venus
Status: offline 		i spent many years in a position WAY beyond "assertive"; i litigated cases worth 100's of millions for the state of Florida -- and i never lost at trial (settled some, lost once on appeal). My nick was the "baracudda" and i richly deserved it. i used the law and any accroutrement to it at my disposal, including dirty lawyer tricks, to advance my client's position.

The state was a mere strawman..the real parties in interest were the elderly and the poor. Believe me, i savored my victories. i gave no quarter. i once told an Episcopalian Bishop i would not accept a business plan in lieu of auditted financial statements even if Jesus Christ Jr. signed the business plan. The Bishop looked so shocked it was as if i had struck him...but i got the financials.

So this is how i spent my 30's and 40's; never afraid to go toe to toe with anyone; working like a dog; doing free legal work for battered women; etc. During this long period in my life, i mostly dated other lawyers. i had no respect for them -- in part because i was the better lawyer -- i felt no real affection for them -- in my memory, they tend to run together. In short, i was having sex, not getting involved.

If a man had gotten to know me and had been submissive, would i have been attracted? i honestly do not know. i certainly needed help with my home, etc. and i might have been willing to allow a man to lean on me for awhile...but i was so overworked, so out of place, i do not think i would have been able to take care of another adult.

There came a day when i did not just burn out..i flamed out. Leaving court, knowing i had won, and crying and shaking, knowing i would never go back. After a long, winding road, i discovered D/s and could finally find the words for what had been in my heart for so many years. i am submissive. All those years, i tried to rescue the people affected by the cases, just as i tried to protect the battered women i represented. But to do so, i had to assume a role directly contrary to my very nature.

There will always be fraud on the elderly and poor; there will always be another battered woman. i had tried to condemn myself to a lonely personal life for their sakes, and one day, my heart cried out for more..and i could no longer deny my true nature.

i have no idea whether this story translates to other professional women, but i do know -- apart from the married women -- my lawyer girlfriends are all single and have not had a relationship for a long time, perhaps years. maybe the odds are stacked against lawyers (it's hard to leave your obnoxious side at the office); maybe it's just coincidence. But i think there are others like me. It's sort of funny; my girlfriends all know i'm trying to find a Dom and they are fascinated by what happens to me, but they would never search themselves. Not sure what to make of that.

Well, this certainly rambled. LOL But it was sort of fun, describing the caterpillar-to-butterfly story i experienced.

fillepink


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< Message edited by fillepink -- 7/2/2005 2:59:09 AM >

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RE: Shyness and kink - subs, are you waiting to be capt... - 7/2/2005 3:14:05 AM   
onceburned


Posts: 2081
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline 		And it is a fascinating read too, fillepink. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us.

I heard, 20 years ago so things may have changed, that women tend to look for a partner who is a little taller, a little older and a little more professionally accomplished than they are. This might make it more difficult for assertive women to find a partner if they evaluate prospective mates by comparison to themselves. Passive guys wouldn't measure up.

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RE: Shyness and kink - subs, are you waiting to be capt... - 7/2/2005 6:08:33 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 960
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: onceburned

And it is a fascinating read too, fillepink. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us.

I heard, 20 years ago so things may have changed, that women tend to look for a partner who is a little taller, a little older and a little more professionally accomplished than they are. This might make it more difficult for assertive women to find a partner if they evaluate prospective mates by comparison to themselves. Passive guys wouldn't measure up.


What about the supposed Demi Moore syndrome, with the older women snatching up the young guys?

Akasha

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RE: Shyness and kink - subs, are you waiting to be capt... - 7/2/2005 6:27:02 PM   
SwPuno


Posts: 12
Joined: 10/28/2004
Status: offline
quote:

How much to you think you've grown to consider a femdom relationship because it seems perhaps safer, easier, if the woman was to pursue?


I'm in the shy group and while what you mention is and has been part of the appeal to me of a femdom relationship - not having to figure out what to do or how as much, simply being guided, trained, or told how and when to do things - I think I would after a while feel frustrated with a vanilla relationship with an aggressive or confident women. I've had slave/sub type fantasies since around 13 (more than 2 decades ago) so my psyche apparently signed on for the full pervert package rather early and I think I would tend to want or try to bring about more kink in the relationship as part of me would feel that we hadn't "gone all the way" to use the phrase in a different context.

Interesting question, btw, thanks for asking.



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RE: Shyness and kink - subs, are you waiting to be capt... - 7/2/2005 6:38:58 PM   
onceburned


Posts: 2081
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline
quote:

What about the supposed Demi Moore syndrome, with the older women snatching up the young guys?


No one blinks when guys date younger women but Demi Moore got singled for a unflattering attention and a 'syndrome' named after her. I think this suggests that it is still considered unacceptable for women to look for men significantly younger than themselves.

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RE: Shyness and kink - subs, are you waiting to be capt... - 7/2/2005 7:45:57 PM   
SweetDommes


Posts: 1062
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline 		As a Domme, I have no problems making the first move if someone interests me, but I'm much more impressed by a guy who is capable of making his interest known. I do tend to like guys that are more shy ... but at the same time, simply because of our relationship, we need someone who can speak up - just because of our personalities, we may not pick up on anything subtle, especially in a large group.

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RE: Shyness and kink - subs, are you waiting to be capt... - 7/2/2005 9:04:38 PM   
james252501


Posts: 1
Joined: 7/2/2005
Status: offline 		NO! This has never happened to me in a relationship, and I am willing to give over total control to a strong minded woman. I am not shy but have trouble because i am a big guy. I am 5'10" weight is 240 with big arms and shoulders. People just assume that i am a dominate aggressive type. but that is the far from what iam about. I would enjoy having a woman in control of my life and to serve her needs. I am looking for a strong minded woman without playing any head games. Thanks for your question. James

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RE: Shyness and kink - subs, are you waiting to be capt... - 7/2/2005 11:22:52 PM   
Ssilver


Posts: 53
Joined: 5/16/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: onceburned

No one blinks when guys date younger women but Demi Moore got singled for a unflattering attention and a 'syndrome' named after her. I think this suggests that it is still considered unacceptable for women to look for men significantly younger than themselves.


I think she gets singled out for having extraordinarily bad taste more than anything else...



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RE: Shyness and kink - subs, are you waiting to be capt... - 7/2/2005 11:27:27 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 2294
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		Demi Moore has to be one of the least talented actresses of all time. Her last movie was the Scarlet Letter, right? That was one of those performances that are so bad you just burst out laughing.

So what does that mean? I admire her. How do you convert zero talent into an unimaginable fortune and a hot younger lover? Beats me, but she seems to know the secret.

Lam

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RE: Shyness and kink - subs, are you waiting to be capt... - 7/2/2005 11:37:10 PM   
stormsfate


Posts: 846
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline 		Its those eyes...who cares if she can act...lol.


best regards,
fate

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stormsvision - chainsister and partner in crime.

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RE: Shyness and kink - subs, are you waiting to be capt... - 7/2/2005 11:38:16 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 3240
Joined: 7/4/2004
From: Montréal - Canada
Status: offline
quote:

What about the supposed Demi Moore syndrome, with the older women snatching up the young guys?


I believe they are also commonly refered to as a cougar. Heh.

Funny article about the Valerie Gibson's book "Cougar: A Guide for Older Women Dating Younger Men." here - http://abcnews.go.com/Primetime/Health/story?id=731599&page=1

So my boy is 5 years younger then me, does that make me a cougar? <purrs & growls a little>

- LA

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RE: Shyness and kink - subs, are you waiting to be capt... - 7/3/2005 6:03:07 AM   
shyguyuk


Posts: 25
Joined: 5/3/2005
Status: offline 		Im usually a very loud outgoing person, usally the center of attention when out on the town (best pole dancer in my student union ;) lol) but i find im shy when im trying to contact people from this site...its strange, maybe im in a diffrant mindset when im on here idk.

anyhow in response to Akasha's question if i found a girl who wore the trousers in the realthionship as it were then yes i think my subbmissive desires would be fufilled, although finding woman with that kind of attituide is tough, finding girls who want money to call you a bad boy and slap your ass a bit from the other side of the country is very easy lol


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