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Searching: Laundry list or Life partner?

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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Searching: Laundry list or Life partner?

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Searching: Laundry list or Life partner? - 11/13/2005 2:53:48 PM

westside

Posts: 69
Joined: 1/28/2004
Status: offline

So with the additions of the new interest list/ search possibilities here, I've got to wondering which is the better method -- Trying to match interests ( my "laundry list") or seek compatibility of outside interests?

To explain -- should I first try and match kink interests or search for someone with similar vanilla interests...?

Daddy Wes

Post #: 1

RE: Searching: Laundry list or Life partner? - 11/13/2005 3:08:51 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 2651
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

The answer is...

whatever works for you.

I tend to go by elimination and "overall picture."

If someone lives for things like monogamy, they aren't for me, no matter how many other great interests we have in common.

But if most of our interests tend to match, AND I like the profile, AND I find them unique AND my intuition gives me a good vibe, I'll take a chance.

There's no short cut for just getting to know someone.

(in reply to westside)

Post #: 2

RE: Searching: Laundry list or Life partner? - 11/13/2005 3:09:34 PM

sunshine333

Posts: 173
Joined: 8/16/2005
Status: offline

i would suggest not compartmentalizing your interests in terms of vanilla and bdsm. spend some quiet time alone and try to get clear on what you are looking for in a partner. make a list of requirements that she must have ... then another list of things that are negotiable ... a list of things that she absolutely cannot have.

if you're only looking for a playmate your list of priorities will be different than if you were looking for a companion. but it doesn't matter as long as you're clear on what you're looking for.

~sunshine

(in reply to westside)

Post #: 3

RE: Searching: Laundry list or Life partner? - 11/13/2005 4:45:51 PM

wipmebeetme100

Posts: 192
Joined: 7/31/2005
Status: offline

quote:

To explain -- should I first try and match kink interests or search for someone with similar vanilla interests...?

I think that is going to depend on what is important to you....what you are searching for. I am not looking for any of those vanilla interests....i am here for KINK...so that is what i look for.

_____________________________

Happiness is like peeing your pants: Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth
~Unknown

(in reply to westside)

Post #: 4

RE: Searching: Laundry list or Life partner? - 11/13/2005 4:52:51 PM

candystripper

Posts: 1657
Joined: 11/1/2005
From: Upstate New York; living in Ohio
Status: offline

i personally like the section of IronBear's profile in which He lists "People i Like" and "People i cannot Stand"; or something like that. It may or may not be something i'd include in Your profile, but it may jostle Your mind and some new ideas may arise.

For me, it is core values first and foremost, and my profile (hopefully) reflects that.

candystripper

_____________________________

Ovid's "Art of Love"
http://www.san.beck.org/AB5-EmpireofAugustus.html

Love hides a multitude of faults.. ~Anon.~

(in reply to wipmebeetme100)

Post #: 5

RE: Searching: Laundry list or Life partner? - 11/13/2005 7:02:24 PM

DesertRat

Posts: 1447
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: NM/USA
Status: offline

I dunno. I filled out the whole, big interests list, then took a look at my profile. You know what? I felt that it really didn't come close to telling you who I am. Still, I guess it does provide some useful info. For me, looking at the "Lives for" and "Hard Limits" parts seems to be the most informative. Like LA said, there's no substitute for actually getting to know someone...and it's lots of fun, too.

Bob

(in reply to westside)

Post #: 6

RE: Searching: Laundry list or Life partner? - 11/13/2005 7:12:53 PM

obis

Posts: 117
Joined: 9/9/2005
From: Austin, TX, USA
Status: offline

quote:

For me, looking at the "Lives for" and "Hard Limits" parts seems to be the most informative.

Agreed -- other than the extreme likes/dislikes, I suspect most people are negotiable in their interests as long as they enjoy their partner and want to please them.

(in reply to DesertRat)

Post #: 7

RE: Searching: Laundry list or Life partner? - 11/13/2005 7:33:01 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 482
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Metro Detroit
Status: offline

I enjoyed the laundry list, once I had time to fill it out---but I went back and did an edit job, and will do it again.

I do like having the vanilla interests listed, since I expect my companions to be able to entertain me when we are not scening.

Francine

(in reply to obis)

Post #: 8

RE: Searching: Laundry list or Life partner? - 11/13/2005 7:34:41 PM

Padriag

Posts: 700
Joined: 3/30/2005
From: NC, USA
Status: offline

I find the new interests list to be useful for spotting specific incompatabilities... for example if someone just has to have rap music... not gonna work (hard limit for me). But I also find it useful for finding points to start conversations with... not just common interests but things someone else may be interested in that I might find intriguing or be curious about. Beyond that its just a matter of getting to know the person... like LA said, its how it all fits together. And like DesertRat I don't feel the interests list really reflects who I am, but I don't think it is supposed to either. It does however provide some starting points for someone wanting to get to know me. That's why we have not just space for a written profile but are also given the journal option... I've used both (and continue to do so) to give a clearer picture of who I am. I'm also more likely to take an interest in a submissive who does the same than one with a blank profile or one with only a couple lines of text.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

http://www.bardicheart.com

(in reply to westside)

Post #: 9

RE: Searching: Laundry list or Life partner? - 11/13/2005 8:19:31 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 1512
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

other than the extreme likes/dislikes, I suspect most people are negotiable in their interests as long as they enjoy their partner and want to please them.

I agree. I don't understand why people strive for absolute compatibility. I think that would be so boring. If you share every interest in common, where does growth come from?

(in reply to obis)

Post #: 10

RE: Searching: Laundry list or Life partner? - 11/13/2005 9:11:03 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 2933
Status: offline

quote:

I agree. I don't understand why people strive for absolute compatibility. I think that would be so boring. If you share every interest in common, where does growth come from?

Ditto! I imagine I would be able to live in harmony with someone who only did/liked 20% of the same things I do (I mean as vanilla interests go)...
Ever since getting over the need to be bound at the hip 24/7, I have no problem having someone who does something else while I do my thing, which of course should in no way mean we are emotionally disconnected because we aren't doing the same thing every day together.

Besides, I am sooooo different, that I would NEVER find someone who liked all of the same things I do, and in the same proportions.

M

< Message edited by BlkTallFullfig -- 11/13/2005 9:13:28 PM >

_____________________________

"touching was and still is and will always be the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 11

RE: Searching: Laundry list or Life partner? - 11/13/2005 9:34:22 PM

luvdragonx

Posts: 387
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig

quote:

I agree. I don't understand why people strive for absolute compatibility. I think that would be so boring. If you share every interest in common, where does growth come from?
Ditto! I imagine I would be able to live in harmony with someone who only did/liked 20% of the same things I do (I mean as vanilla interests go)...
Ever since getting over the need to be bound at the hip 24/7, I have no problem having someone who does something else while I do my thing, which of course should in no way mean we are emotionally disconnected because we aren't doing the same thing every day together.

Besides, I am sooooo different, that I would NEVER find someone who liked all of the same things I do, and in the same proportions. M

Yep, I hear ya. Sometimes I take a step back and wonder how he and I are even together, lol! Our differences seem so obvious to me - he loves the history channel, computers and Asimov. I love Stephen King, crafts/woodworking and board games. He'd rather play Unreal Tournament, I'd rather read a book. He's task-oriented, I seek creative outlets. Over the course of the day you'd find us doing our own things, but there is something less obvious, below the surface that keeps us connected.

Looking back on things, I can honestly say if he had laid out his 'interest list' before we got together, I may have passed him up - too many incompatible areas. Instead, I learned these things as we went along, so accepting and living with our differences didn't seem to be so daunting an experience.

_____________________________

Never Without Love

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

Post #: 12

RE: Searching: Laundry list or Life partner? - 11/14/2005 6:09:53 AM

FTopinMichigan

Posts: 571
Joined: 7/5/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesertRat
I dunno. I filled out the whole, big interests list, then took a look at my profile. You know what? I felt that it really didn't come close to telling you who I am.

Bob, I felt the same way.

I removed my choices after viewing the very long list, and thought it would be more fun to learn about each other together, once a few main interests were found.

Oh me...I just like conversing. I also don't like labels/tags at parties either, that list my name and orientation to strangers. Or color coded braclets that advertise that I'm single and looking, at fetish parties. To be labeled and tagged, at a fetish party, is sort like a bullseye on your back, in the forest.

Why can't people just talk to one another. Yes, it takes more time to learn about one another but isn't that a big part of the excitement? While I hope to one day find a man for a mutually satisfying LTR, I'm not completely closed to enjoying playmates and meeting friends. I don't have to have the exact same interests to enjoy other people. In fact, I think I like it better when we're totally opposites.

K

(in reply to DesertRat)

Post #: 13

RE: Searching: Laundry list or Life partner? - 11/14/2005 6:15:31 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 1512
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

Why can't people just talk to one another. Yes, it takes more time to learn about one another but isn't that a big part of the excitement?

Exactly. That's part of the fun of courtship, talking about your likes/dislikes, getting to see your potential's interests.

(in reply to FTopinMichigan)

Post #: 14

RE: Searching: Laundry list or Life partner? - 11/14/2005 6:30:36 AM

Phoenxx

Posts: 246
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Winnipeg
Status: offline

You are looking for points of commonality. What are the things you must have? What can you not give up or live without. And what can you not live with.
Can you move, or can the person, poly or not? Those alone can be end points.
But also we are more then our kinks. Well some of us LOL. If you only look for a kink partner what will you do outside of it? You can only have sex 24/7 for about 3 days… and then lack of food gets to you.
Plus the person who you “picture” in your mind as you most perfect match, may not be. The Chinese has a curse, may the gods give you all you want. Scares the crap out of me….
Talk, post, and fill out your list. And see what comes your way.
Tony

(in reply to westside)

Post #: 15

RE: Searching: Laundry list or Life partner? - 11/14/2005 7:10:01 AM

EvilGeoff

Posts: 161
Joined: 8/24/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: westside

To explain -- should I first try and match kink interests or search for someone with similar vanilla interests...?

Daddy Wes

As always, these things are tools, neither good nor bad in and of themselves. Like any tool, you need to decide where and how to put them to best use for the task at hand.

If you are looking for a play partner, go for the laundry list.

If you are looking for a companion/life-partner, go for vanilla compatibility/commonality. We do not, can not, live the BDSM fantasy life or play 24/7. We have other interests, jobs, families, hobbies. We watch movies, listen to music, read, travel, etc. Expectations for the relationship and core values, ethics, religious beliefs are all part of the equation. Sharing common interests other than kinks and fetishes will at least give you something to share in your non-kinky moments.

Hope that helps!
- Geoff

(in reply to westside)

Post #: 16

RE: Searching: Laundry list or Life partner? - 11/14/2005 7:15:12 AM

MasterRobert1

Posts: 154
Joined: 7/18/2005
Status: offline

To me, it is more of a balance between the two. If a person is experiecned, know who they are, what it is they want, et cetera, then the checklist is a good indicator. Not 100%, but a good indicator none-the-less. If someone is less experiecned, still searching for who they are and what it is they want, et cetera, then the checklist means very little. In the ladder case, compatibility would be a better indicator.
But, I'll be quick to add: compatible kinks is VERY important. If he wants X, and she wants Y and NOT X, then there is going to be an eventual problem, not matter how compatible people maybe.

(in reply to westside)

Post #: 17

RE: Searching: Laundry list or Life partner? - 11/14/2005 7:23:18 AM

puddles

Posts: 3
Joined: 7/31/2004
Status: offline

It is quite the laundry list, but it does give a little basis for starting conversations and finding base differences that would be a waste of time pursuing. But we all are soooooooooo much more than any list implies. Personally, any of the answers, on any given day I might give a different answer. Not because I'm that flighty (well ok I AM that flighty, but that's another story) but mostly because I don't fit easily into a box. The nuances of a relationship are where the differences compliment each other. And given my druthers, I'd want a relationship where there were at least some vanilla things we shared. Truthfully though, its easier to work around the vanilla differences than it is the lifestyle ones. Those are the ones I tend to be a stickler about. I know what I want and need, I've settled for not having that met before.........and was miserable.

_____________________________

Judge me all you want, but keep the verdict to yourself.

(in reply to westside)

Post #: 18

RE: Searching: Laundry list or Life partner? - 11/14/2005 9:09:51 AM

nephandi

Posts: 872
Joined: 9/23/2005
Status: offline

For me and my Dom we share many of our intrests, and i prefer the same in my play partners, and when i say intrests i mean non BDSM instrests. Especialy i like pepole that practice or study the occult, i feel that i can be mutch more myself when i am whit other occultist than around other pepole. It is such and inportant part of my life, that to be whit somone that have no part of that somhow feels empthy, if that preferance makes me shallow, then i admitt, i am shallow.

(in reply to puddles)

Post #: 19

RE: Searching: Laundry list or Life partner? - 11/14/2005 1:17:26 PM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 2326
Joined: 6/18/2004
From: Palos Verdes Estates
Status: offline

There is a place for both. Both are legitimate ways to find a mate. It depends on your goals. I think it's important to recognize and be honest in what you seek, lists are a quick way to accomplish that. Lists are exclusionary. More often lists are used to eliminate people. How many "yuck" items on this list disqualifies contact? A laundry list is a good way to accomplish disqualification in the quickest fashion, but most times the words on the list can have different definitions and varying degrees for people. Adding a "skill" or "experience" level qualifier only adds to the definition problem. For example, to some an caning "expert" may leave no "day-after" marks. I define a caning expert as one who leaves perfectly straight cane marks that last a week. Turning your ass, or other interesting parts, over before discussing how expert is defined will put you in a bad situation. Consider that I have at least 10 different floggers, if you say you like flogging we better discuss if it's flogging with leather, suede, rubber, horse hair, knotted, or barbed tipped rawhide.

I'll provide an example of my thought process when I am confronted with a list. We attended a FANTASTIC group lifestyle party this weekend held for charity. A lot of money and resources were raised for a great cause. The night's big event was a charity "slave-auction". To facilitate the bidding each "slave" filled out a form with a checklist of their skills, limits, and desires. I enviously watched to proceedings without bidding, giving my "money" to a friend in attendance. My primary reason for not getting involved in the bidding was being concerned if I "won" a slave, during the session I'd have to refer to the list. I just don't have a good short term memory and would be worried that if I got into "Dom-space" I'd cross the border into a prohibited area.

I think the first step is finding a "least common denominator". For that, lists serve a function. Age range, experience range, physical appearance and the flip side answers for what you are seeking in those broad terms are great. But even those, seemingly simply, items are still exclusionary if you are seeking a "Life Partner". A life partner assumes you seek more than just the physical experience. Disqualifying someone because of their age, or how they look now may disqualify a person who was meant to be your LP. There are as many "old" 30 year olds as "young" 50 year olds. You'll never meet them if you eliminate them just for age. It is very difficult to find an LP. I'd argue that success is easier by expanding the pool.

Seeking a LP assumes you plan on spending time together outside the dungeon. It requires a different set of analytical skills. I don't see any way to make that decision based upon a list. There are no shortcuts. Being perfectly compatible sexually, physically, and in lifestyle activities does not make for a life partner. You would think they would. Somewhere down the line it becomes important to know not what color the bruises are on your butt after a session, but what colors you see in the sunset that you are watching together. You'll have many more opportunities to see the sunset. If wanting to see, and enjoying, the sunset together is at least as important as making perfectly straight can marks, you may have found your LP. If you are really creative you can compare and try to find the bruise colors in the sunset. Here in SoCal there are often lovely shades of pink, red, and deep purple. Okay - that maybe taking it a bit far for many, but it's away a little fun game beth and I play. I mean, beth is soooo cute when she asks nicely if I'll please make her butt the pretty pink we just saw from our balcony.

_____________________________

Merc & beth

"The words printed here are concepts. You must go through the experiences." - Saint Augustine

(in reply to westside)

Post #: 20

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