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Red Flags~~ - 4/12/2004 3:27:48 PM

knees2you

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Hi, I belong to a vanilla singles group and we are always
talking about Red Flags in regards to relatioships.

I was wondering what types of problems when starting a relationship in the Bdsm lifestyle would cause a use of a Red Flag~~

sincerely, knees2You

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RE: Red Flags~~ - 4/12/2004 5:57:28 PM

iwillserveu

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If the call is questionable and I think a replay could overturn it then I'd say the red flag is called for. Oh, wait a minute. That is the NFL not BDSM. Sorry.

Seriously, red flags are easier to see when you are not wearing rose colored glasses. I never noticed them until I took my glasses off.

1) She told me she would tell me what my limits were
2) She was more interested in my wallet than in me.

I've been extremely lucky that my rose colored glasses have not hurt me. In those two cases I would've ignored good advice and if it weren't for other things that made the relationships impossible I'd be very unhappy today.

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RE: Red Flags~~ - 4/12/2004 6:12:47 PM

proudsub

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quote:

I was wondering what types of problems when starting a relationship in the Bdsm lifestyle would cause a use of a Red Flag~~

I would consider any request for money by a Dom or Domme a red flag. I know there have been several threads on this lately. In an online relationship it would be a red flag if they won't give out a phone number or send a picture or turn a cam on. Just my opinion.

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RE: Red Flags~~ - 4/12/2004 6:18:02 PM

belongtoyou

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Anyone who promises you the world......beware
Anyone who says i love you after speaking with once or twice. (maybe there is such thing as love at first sight, but i'm still weary)

that's all i've got for now.....i'm sure there are many more.

~rain~

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RE: Red Flags~~ - 4/12/2004 7:10:28 PM

sub4hire

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To me the biggest red flag of all. Would be speaking to them on the pc...waiting forever for responses. I believe someone said this to you in another forum?
Although many online claim they are not married and cheating yet they are. What response do you get when it takes them 5 minutes to type two words in response to you?
Are they hiding the IM from someone? Did they really walk into the other room ignoring you between IM's?
To me this is a huge red flag. Then again I never wanted any angry woman hunting me down for cheating with her husband either.

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RE: Red Flags~~ - 4/12/2004 7:15:31 PM

seattleminx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: knees2you

Hi, I belong to a vanilla singles group and we are always
talking about Red Flags in regards to relatioships.

I was wondering what types of problems when starting a relationship in the Bdsm lifestyle would cause a use of a Red Flag~~

I agree with most everything that's been said so far. But there is a rule of thumb I try to follow:

If you make a reasonable request, and they deny that request without reasonable explanation (some examples.. they don't show you a pic, they don't wish to meet, they don't listen to your concerns or limits), red flags should be raised.

This is one of the odd things about the BDSM communities is that one must keep a jaundiced eye open in a scene where the ultimate goal is to be in a relationship without said jaundiced eye.

Or perhaps I'm just cynical.

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RE: Red Flags~~ - 4/12/2004 7:45:34 PM

MistressKiss

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I would consider it a red flag, first and foremost, if you have a gut feeling that something is funny about an individual. My gut is very rarely wrong. If the person is only sporadically available, or will not give a phone number that you can use after midnight, I'd be concerned. Another red flag is when their profile is very new or recently changed. I sort of watch that carefully. I realize it could be a minor thing, but it could also mean that the person is fresh from a breakup, etc. Any sort of dishonesty is a huge red flag also. ANY type.

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RE: Red Flags~~ - 4/13/2004 9:38:43 AM

seattleminx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressKiss

I would consider it a red flag, first and foremost, if you have a gut feeling that something is funny about an individual. My gut is very rarely wrong.

I was going to mention gut instincts, but have seen people with such bad instincts get into horrible situations (and I include myself in that group in some of my past experiences).

I think instincts generally come from experience, and if a person has limited experiences then such instincts are probably suspect...again, IMO.

But yeah, phone calls after midnight is also a good indicator.

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RE: Red Flags~~ - 4/13/2004 9:49:59 AM

topcat

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Midear Knees-

There are a few red flags that I'd look for in any interaction, BDSM or vanilla. First and for most is isolation, or an attempt to control communication with others. This can be very subtle, At times merely showing as some distain for others you speak with, or un-called for claims of "'so and so' doesn't like me".

One who wants you to keep your relationship secret or explains that others wouldn't understand how special it is is another, as is anyone who looks for some strong commitment when things are new.

Beware, also, of someone who makes you responsible for their fears, or when caught in an omission tells you that they WANTED to tell you, but they knew you'd react badly, when the real fact is that you are reacting to the lie more than what it was about.

That said, I wouldn't say that a redflag is a deal breaker- it's a warning sign. It doesn't mean run- it should mean 'watch out, stay aware of these behaviors'.

stay warm,
Lawrence

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RE: Red Flags~~ - 4/13/2004 10:31:14 AM

LadyBeckett

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4hire

To me the biggest red flag of all. Would be speaking to them on the pc...waiting forever for responses.

Let's be honest, it doesn't matter if they are married, living with someone, single, or whatever. Simple courtesy isn't too much to expect from anyone online or offline, on the phone, in the grocery store, or wherever!
That would be a red flag right there, a blatant demonstration of the lack of simple courtesy.
Another red flag, as Topcat said, basic honesty and communication. When someone says to me, "Don't tell anyone..." it doesn't matter what they have to say after that, I'm not listening. Hell, don't tell me your secrets, I don't even keep my own!
When you see those caution lights, don't speed up, slow down, pay attention, and prepare to STOP! There's probably a red flag coming up!

< Message edited by LadyBeckett -- 4/13/2004 10:37:13 AM >

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RE: Red Flags~~ - 4/13/2004 4:58:44 PM

knees2you

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Lady Becket bravo, I agree so much if nobody else says anything more about this post, Msitress Lady Becket
has said it all~

sincerely, knees2You

quote:

if a snake bites before it is charmed there is no profit
for the charmer~

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RE: Red Flags~~ - 4/13/2004 7:50:19 PM

MizSuz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: knees2you

I was wondering what types of problems when starting a relationship in the Bdsm lifestyle would cause a use of a Red Flag~~

Assuming you mean a red flag as a warning sign of a potential problem then I could list a zillion.

The one that stands out the most for me requires getting to know someone (whether it's simply online or more) a bit. How do they handle conflict? Is being upset reason enough to not conduct themself how they have presented? Is it a good enough reason for them to abandon commitments in terms of behavior and roles?

I never give any weight at all to commitments founded in passion and starry eyed emotion. Flowery words, that would mean more once I've seen whether or not the person saying them can also live them, mean little to me.

I try to never allow myself to become emotionally invested until I've seen how the person handles conflict.

Things like responding to IMs timely, giving you a phone number, sharing pictures, etc...seem to me to be minimum standard sorts of things. The inability to do these rudimentary requisites to getting to know someone simply stops the process for me. So I guess I don't think of them like red flags as much as I think of them as not throwing good energy after bad. Why should I make efforts where the other person won't?

But someone who turns into a nightmare when they are upset, simply because they are upset, is someone I will keep at arm's length. They tend to bring too much chaos with them.

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RE: Red Flags~~ - 4/13/2004 9:39:30 PM

inyouagain

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MizSuz
Things like responding to IMs timely, giving you a phone number, sharing pictures, etc...seem to me to be minimum standard sorts of things. The inability to do these rudimentary requisites to getting to know someone simply stops the process for me. So I guess I don't think of them like red flags as much as I think of them as not throwing good energy after bad. Why should I make efforts where the other person won't?

But someone who turns into a nightmare when they are upset, simply because they are upset, is someone I will keep at arm's length. They tend to bring too much chaos with them.

Very well spoken MizSuz.

I would add that memory problems in the other party (can't remember previous discussed items, their own hair color, height weight, etc) can often be innocent (esp for blondes), but tend to compound quickly and become red flags very easily. If the story keeps changing, it's probably just that.

quote:

ORIGINAL: knees2you
...would cause a use of a Red Flag~~

knees, I'm curious why you used the phrase "use of a red flag". That makes it sound as if you regard a red flag to be like a safe word.

A red flag is a perception of "anything that bothers you" concerning the other party, and vice-versa. It could be as few as one issue, or red flag, or as many as a dozen (if over a dozen, it's probably way better hang that one up).

Red flags occur on either side of the equation in a relationship (usually in the beginning), but may occur at any time in the relationship, as perceived by either party.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4hire
To me the biggest red flag of all. Would be speaking to them on the pc...waiting forever for responses. I believe someone said this to you in another forum?
Although many online claim they are not married and cheating yet they are. What response do you get when it takes them 5 minutes to type two words in response to you?

I agree Gloria (one gloria, lol). It may also be that the other chat party has 6 other simultaneous chats going on... while they are giving you their undivided attention.

Inyouagain

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RE: Red Flags~~ - 5/3/2004 11:31:31 PM

knees2you

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Well we have alot of red Flags more then I knew

Sincerely, knees2You

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