Putting toe into pool

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Putting toe into pool - 7/26/2005 11:38:00 AM

Superman42280

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How does one get into the Poly lifestyle if they never have been involved before?

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RE: Putting toe into pool - 7/26/2005 12:02:56 PM

anopheles

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You have some hard questions to ask yourself. Poly can be rewarding, but i definitely has it's pitfalls.

Are you in a relationship now, and if so, is that person poly?

Have you ever had issues with jealousy? Jealousy is the biggest danger of poly relationships, and it can lead people to do some crazy things.

Start there, and get involved with some poly groups, there are lots of them on the internet, and also you can find real life poly groups as well, just about anywhere.

Put a lot of thought and effort into how you approach it, because much like the BDSM lifestyle, a bad first impression will scare away the GOOD people, and you'll be left with nothing but the fakers and morons.

Good luck!

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RE: Putting toe into pool - 7/26/2005 12:26:47 PM

ShiftedJewel

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Superman42280

How does one get into the Poly lifestyle if they never have been involved before?

First, maybe you should ask yourself WHY you want to get involved in poly? There are as many variations of poly as there is D/s... then you throw in the D/s...lol

Anopheles has some excellent points to consider as well. Jealousy is a major killer of poly households along with weak communication.

And as he also stated, if you are in a relationship currently is your partner interested in poly as well? That's a big consideration. You can't just decide that you want your submissive/slave to join in a poly situation if they are not comfortable with it.

Aside from all that has been said... avoid the stereotyping of individuals. Bi does not equal poly and straight does not equal mono... Take it one step at a time... read about it, research it, ask questions and listen to advice then weed through it and use what works best for you.

And off topic here... Anopheles? I've done a search a few times for poly groups and have come up short... any ideas or recomendations?

Jewel

edited to add... Welcome to the boards Anopheles... interesting nic... is there a meaning to it other then the mosquito?

< Message edited by ShiftedJewel -- 7/26/2005 12:29:57 PM >

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RE: Putting toe into pool - 7/26/2005 12:50:52 PM

anopheles

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Some other things, just points of discussion....

Poly relationships sometimes seem to rush along too quickly sometimes. If you go poly, you really should expect for it to take longer than your average 'vanilla' relationship to blossom, because some of the issues that might cause you grief often don't manifest themselves until further down the road than what you might initially expect. Often people new to poly get caught up in what's called NRE (New Relationship Energy), and they overlook the things that really do lead to a lasting, fulfilling relationship, because it feels SOOO good in the beginning. Yea, i've done it!

Resources:

http://www.polyamorysociety.org/ More background information than a community, per se, but worth a read
http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html This one is pretty good
http://www.sexuality.org/l/polyamor/ There are some links here that might prove useful

Although I haven't read it, i've seen notes that the book "The Ethical Slut" (available on Monster.com) is a good read for someone new to multiple partner relationships.

Anopheles, I just thought it sounded neat!! I'm small, and I do STING, ask luvdragonx :)
But I don't carry malaria.....

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RE: Putting toe into pool - 7/26/2005 1:02:35 PM

ShiftedJewel

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quote:

Anopheles, I just thought it sounded neat!! I'm small, and I do STING, ask luvdragonx :)
But I don't carry malaria.....

That's a relief!! And thank you for the links.

I haven't read The Ethical Slut either, but what little I've heard about it I would guess is it geared more towards the open type relationship... I'm sure someone who has read it will help me out here.

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RE: Putting toe into pool - 7/26/2005 3:32:08 PM

EmeraldSlave2

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Most of the relationships described in the relationship are from an open poly situation. However, they all usually have a "core stable" relationship from which things are revolving and the issues they deal with are fairly universal to poly relationships.

I didn't read this until about a year or so ago, after being active in poly for 5 years. I'd have to say it didn't teach me anything I didn't know, but it organized them very clearly and would have helped me to read them BEFORE I had to learn the hard way!

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RE: Putting toe into pool - 7/26/2005 3:50:50 PM

anopheles

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quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2

Most of the relationships described in the relationship are from an open poly situation. However, they all usually have a "core stable" relationship from which things are revolving and the issues they deal with are fairly universal to poly relationships.

I didn't read this until about a year or so ago, after being active in poly for 5 years. I'd have to say it didn't teach me anything I didn't know, but it organized them very clearly and would have helped me to read them BEFORE I had to learn the hard way!

Emerald, how would you rate that particular book? Worth a buy?

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RE: Putting toe into pool - 7/26/2005 7:42:52 PM

fastlane

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I'm not Poly, because I would get too jealous, however, the thought does intruige me.
I think it has more to do with testosterone for both of us, than the actual lifestyle itself.
Now, get your friken toe out while you can....There are sharks about.

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RE: Putting toe into pool - 7/26/2005 7:58:23 PM

ScooterTrash

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I would echo the sentiments of the previous posters, and additionally would suggest that not only is some very serious communication in order if you are considering entering into a poly relationship, but that this same intense communication is necessary all the time within the poly dynamic. If you even think you may be the jealous type however, do pull that toe back as suggested, it would surely get bitten off. Many will tell you and downright insist actually, that everyone has some jealousy, but to be quite honest, I don't believe that. I really think that comes from years of conditioning where we tend to want to possess something for our very own...if you can relinquish that feeling, be open about sharing, then perhaps this may be something you would be very happy with, I know we are. As to how to get started...hmmm, just like anything else, you simply have to start meeting like minded people, then let what happens, happen.

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RE: Putting toe into pool - 7/26/2005 8:38:56 PM

luvdragonx

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<---nods head

I think one reason jealousy rears its ugly head is because the trust level isn't where it needs to be for poly. In order to accept another love for yourself and your partner, you have to trust that your partner is as committed to you as you are to them. THAT is a kick in the head when the two of you aren't where you thought you were. I know and firmly believe that my husband is committed to spending the rest of his life with me. Being secure in that knowledge, how could I be jealous? No other woman could replace me in his heart. No other woman will get what I don't already have, nor will she get everything the same way I do. If I can come to love another woman, why shouldn't my husband love her as well? And vice versa?

I know that I'm wired for poly, so a lot of the questions that come up don't resonate with me the way it would with other people. I already accept that I can deeply love more than one person at a time - the obstacle for me is finding mature adults with the same belief and willingness to make a relationship work. Others who aren't innately wired for poly have the added obstacle of finding that part of themselves that allows them to truly LOVE someone else and share that love. And be secure and accepting of themselves for it.

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RE: Putting toe into pool - 7/27/2005 7:25:15 AM

OsideGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: luvdragonx

I think one reason jealousy rears its ugly head is because the trust level isn't where it needs to be for poly. In order to accept another love for yourself and your partner, you have to trust that your partner is as committed to you as you are to them. THAT is a kick in the head when the two of you aren't where you thought you were. I know and firmly believe that my husband is committed to spending the rest of his life with me. Being secure in that knowledge, how could I be jealous? No other woman could replace me in his heart. No other woman will get what I don't already have, nor will she get everything the same way I do. If I can come to love another woman, why shouldn't my husband love her as well? And vice versa?

This is very much the same situation with us. When Master and I we're negotiating his collar, he pointed out his interest in poly with me. So, the clause I negotiated for was that it would happen when I was ready. I had to feel absolutely secure for it to work.

The best piece of advice I can give is, if this is an interest of yours be sure to discuss it before you commit to a relationship. Your sub/slave does have the right to know that before he/she becomes your sub/slave.

I've seen poly "force fed" to too many sub/slaves on the premise that they're subs/slaves and have to just accept it. I've never seen one of those that didn't end up in disaster.

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RE: Putting toe into pool - 7/27/2005 2:06:51 PM

Dragonzaymaster

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I have been thinking about a poly relationship for most of my life. I want to thank everyone for their posts on this thread and the links. I feel all of the information provided is valubale. Both my sub and I are neither the jealous types yet we are wary people ( having been bitten like most a few times lol). We hope to expand our family in a poly manner and appreciate any input from especially experienced people.
Dragonmaster

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RE: Putting toe into pool - 7/27/2005 2:57:10 PM

Justme4u

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My first post. My wife of twenty years was also my Mistress. For the last 15 of those years she almost always had a lover. He was also a part of her dominance over me. There were long periods of time that her current lover lived with us and I served them both happily. I enjoyed knowing that she was free to experience other relationships with men. She never hid it from me, in fact she was proud of the fact that she needed more than one man in her life. Sadly we are now divorced. Our breaking up had nothing to do with our lifestyle and I would happily live it all over again. I cant describe the spark in her eyes as she got ready to see her other man. I was so happy for her and I still am.
It was very satisifying for all concerned

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RE: Putting toe into pool - 7/28/2005 11:06:24 AM

comesoncommand

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quote:

ORIGINAL: luvdragonx

<---nods head

I already accept that I can deeply love more than one person at a time - the obstacle for me is finding mature adults with the same belief and willingness to make a relationship work. Others who aren't innately wired for poly have the added obstacle of finding that part of themselves that allows them to truly LOVE someone else and share that love. And be secure and accepting of themselves for it.

i don't have experience with poly relationships, but am finding myself (and my Master) wanting to move in that direction. i have to agree that at first i had to come to a point where i trusted my place with Him, and be secure in O/our relationship. i'm attempting to let go of some bias...the first couple of women W/we spoke with initially stated a desire to serve Him with another woman. But when it came down to meeting, they didn't want to be the "third wheel" and backed out.

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RE: Putting toe into pool - 7/28/2005 12:12:24 PM

MstrHellsFury

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I echo ScooterTrash...but I must confess the poly relationship I'm involved in is a closed one...as we consider ourselves a very close family structure...I know..I know..I'm in the minority here...open poly is all the rage...but what isn't broke..don't need to be tinkered with...as a side note on this..although I may have had ideas of having others involved in our relationship..it was only thoughts..it was my slave/wife who approached me when she was quite smitten be another female...so in conclusion...if you just want to force the issue..it ain't gonna happen..at least not the way you want it...threesomes are now an in thing too...but if you foster thoughts of a long term situition...let snails pass you as you travel down that road...

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RE: Putting toe into pool - 7/28/2005 12:14:40 PM

LRODANDMASTER

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ITS REALLY PRETTY EASY YOU GET ONE FEMAIL AND THEN GET ANOTHR FEMAIL AND DO THEM BOTH AT THE SAME TIME

OR U CAN DO THEM SEPARATELY BUT YOU HAVE TO TELL THEM. BECUASE LIKE DISONESTY IS'NT POLLY