Poly and the submissive

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Poly and the submissive - 6/10/2005 7:41:49 AM

ProtagonistLily

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Hi everyone,

Frequently, when Poly comes up, it's usually from the dominant perspective. My personal conception has always sort of been that Doms are poly, in that the Doms can have more than one person they are involved with, but that submissives on the other hand, are usually committed to one person. In other words, I guess my personal understanding has been that as a submissive, I should have one person I serve, while being open to that person having other relationships.

Life takes funny twists sometimes.

I'm currently involved with 2 Dominants, both of which are aware of the other. One is very experienced, and I have committed to serving her through a lifestyle event at the end of August, with options at the end of that contract. She is not local, but we are traveling back and fourth through this period in order to spend time together. The other is a local Dom who I've recently begun a relationship with. We are in the fledgling stages and I enjoy him very much on many levels. When she comes here to visit in July, they will meet each other.

I'm really comfortable with the arrangement, but I guess I'm struggling to some degree with it because I'm poking at my own conceptions of what poly really is.

Has anyone else had anything similar?

Lily

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RE: Poly and the submissive - 6/10/2005 7:45:31 AM

EmeraldSlave2

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It's hard to break out of norms, but life seems to smack us on the head with whatever will unsettle us the most, doesn't it?

The idea that doms want harems and subs want psuedo-daddies is just all false on so many levels. Be who you are.

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RE: Poly and the submissive - 6/10/2005 11:31:49 AM

AlphaGeek

Posts: 82
Joined: 8/22/2004
From: Charlottesville, VA, but in Orlando for a temp job
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*shrug*

My household's current arrangement is a mfm vee. She comes to me for her bdsm needs, and her Other Significant Other is quite happy sticking with vanilla. WHile there is room for one more piece in our puzzle, it's a tough fit.

Seems to work pretty well, we've been under one roof (save for this pesky temp job I'm currently on) for 5 years now.

I would venture as far to say that the number of subs that can actually *be* (IMO it's something you *are*, not somehting you *do*) polyamorous; ie committing to a stable, loving, and long term relationship with more than one, are as much a minority in the bdsm realm as they are in the general populace.

As for the collectors, that's not so much polyamory as it is egomaniacal behavior, IMO. Thats just me though. :)

AG

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RE: Poly and the submissive - 6/10/2005 3:23:37 PM

stormsfate

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AlphaGeek

I would venture as far to say that the number of subs that can actually *be* (IMO it's something you *are*, not somehting you *do*) polyamorous; ie committing to a stable, loving, and long term relationship with more than one, are as much a minority in the bdsm realm as they are in the general populace.

Hope I'm not hijacking your thread, Lily (you are living in interesting times...lol), but AG...why do you think this is (re your above statement)?

I think its mostly because what society has taught, and even if people manage to get past societal teachings, they also have to get past a tendency to say "mine...no one else can touch". I think people (on both sides of the slash) never give it a chance and those who might do so are often afraid to break out of their box and explore. That suprises me within this lifestyle most of all, because already we are ditching societal norms when we do wiitwd. I'm just amazed that there aren't more people expressing an interest in exploring the mindset, if not the dynamic.

best regards,
fate

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RE: Poly and the submissive - 6/10/2005 6:20:09 PM

ProtagonistLily

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quote:

Hope I'm not hijacking your thread, Lily (you are living in interesting times...lol), but AG...why do you think this is (re your above statement)?

I'm all giddy and squidgy in my new stuff...you think I care if you hijack my thread? LOL, hell hon go for it.

L

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RE: Poly and the submissive - 6/10/2005 9:52:17 PM

EmeraldSlave2

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quote:

ORIGINAL: stormsfate
I'm just amazed that there aren't more people expressing an interest in exploring the mindset, if not the dynamic.
best regards,
fate

I'm amazed myself, but have long ago accepted it. The moment people get into bdsm and get all excited and happy about being able to really BE who they TRULY ARE, is the moment they begin to say "Well that's a TRUE sub" and "This is what it SHOULD be about" and on and on and on.

In reality I think most people into bdsm really do want a vanilla relationship with kink on top. In reality I think people in bdsm are just like people NOT in bdsm and will judge and repel and be as insecure and stupid and weak as anyone else.

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RE: Poly and the submissive - 7/3/2005 12:29:48 PM

magiqnapa

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I guess I have something similar. I am in a real life Poly relationship I gather.....I am an Alpha Sub (is that a real term???) I am a Domme, but a sub to only one, my Dom Mitch (sadistic hell) . I am Dominant to everyone else when playing, ect. I also have a sub, who is my husband of 16 years. We are both lifestyle, but i have the power control over him, while Mitch obviously has it over me. Yeah, I can be on the end of Mitch's collar and leash, and my sub is on the end of mine, if you want to look at it that way. Mitch has other subs, but I believe I am above them. There can be an entire confusing ladder when it gets to all of that....you have to really be open, have #1 communication between all parties involved, and really know what the hell it is you and everyone else wants, before you get in to something like this. Is it confusing for us at times??? Hell yes. Have we gotten through it all so far??? Hell yes....so, it can be done.

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RE: Poly and the submissive - 7/4/2005 8:13:19 AM

wolfspirits

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Magiqnapa," You Got It!" All Relationships Need This Especially" Poly ."COMMUNICAION, COMMUNICAION, It Takes Work And Radical Honesty Too. Im Happy For You.
Lady Silver, Of WolfSpirits.

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RE: Poly and the submissive - 7/8/2005 7:53:36 AM

teapaw

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I used to be invovled in a poly relationship with a dom male and a dom female...they were married....he loved the mental workings of D/s and she loved the phsyical (whips and such) of D/s so I got the best of both worlds....we all talked allot and kept it light...

hope your works out...
pamela

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RE: Poly and the submissive - 7/10/2005 2:33:28 AM

strongwill

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My online Mistress is very poly i like that even love it 96.3 % of the time Any nice Mn Domme out there wanna help me take this to r/t?please

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RE: Poly and the submissive - 7/11/2005 7:35:01 AM

plantlady64

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Hello There,
My relationship is not a usual one as far as a sub's life goes. But I guess I've always been unusual so not following the crowd has been my norm.

I just found myself in February this year in the BDSM life. In what I've read in Different Loving, SM101 & Screw the Roses, Give Me the Thorns it says for your first year in the life it's recommended that you learn from more than one source. I am permitted up to four intimate mentor Dom's to train under for my training period that ends 2/24/06. I think to be able to fully explore a power exchange between a Dom & sub it would be much deeper exchange if all orifaces are open to select mentors. I also will be permitted to play in open play situations with close friends.

After we replace my training collar on my anniversary date & I accept my Master's full collar I intend to be intercourse monogamous with my Master, but still will be permitted scene friends as play partners.
My Master also plays with other people, but doesn't intend on having anyone else live with us at this point. If he wants another sub to live in our home, or be part of our leather family we both would want that. We've also discussed even after I'm intercourse monogamous if he decides to share me with someone I will do as he requests of me.

So yes, there are other subs who sleep with more than one Dom. I'm one of them. As I said our relationship may not be the mold of most, but it works for us.

My Master has confidence in my devotion & love enough to allow me to evolve as I see fit on my path in life. He knows he holds my heart firmly and accepts I see other Dom's as good friends without reservation.
Sincerely,
sub suzanne

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RE: Poly and the submissive - 7/12/2005 8:16:15 AM

JerryInTampa

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Let me start by differntiating "open" (having other play partners) from "poly" (being in a relationship with more than one person).

It's very possible for a sub to play with more than one dom. It's also common.

A poly relationship with multiple doms (who lack a PE relationship with one-another) can obviously be done (I've seen too many people claim to be in them than think otherwise), though I would suspect that there's the ptential for a "too many cooks in the kitchen" problem.

I know for me, it's less about jealousy and more about control. To have to either arrange a schedule "his time / my time", or (worse) to have a failure or power-exchange because she's got contrary instructions seems probalmatic in the extreme.

I find it impossible to fully control (sorry if that sounds trite) someone who is controlled by someone else. It neccessitates something is always held back (that other person's control), or that it's "in play" control (which is not my interest in a relationship).

The reverse is possible (to be completely controlled by someone who controls others as well).

The realities have, for me, been more complicated than that. But dominance is not something I play it. I am in D/s becuase I crave it, and would see "two masters" as a loss of that dominance. While I've had subs play with other tops, and while I'm open to playing with a sub who is not mine; I, personally, don't think that sharing a submissive with someone who was not themselves submissive to me would work for me in particular. It obviously does for others.

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