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Past Relationships, Holidays, and Awkward Moments


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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Polyamorous Lifestyles >> Past Relationships, Holidays, and Awkward Moments Page: [1]
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Past Relationships, Holidays, and Awkward Moments - 12/10/2005 9:27:21 PM   
Sensualips


Posts: 604
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		I am not sure this is a poly issue exactly, but this seems the most appropriate forum since it is related to relationships, jealousy, and past poly dynamics.

This holiday season will be my unmentionables first splitting time between myself and their father/his girlfriend. When discussing the Christmas plans, the girlfriend invited me to their home for xmas morning, suggesting Santa would come one place and we wuld celebrate together. I immediately, but politely, declined. The idea of being a guest in what was my home for ten years, sitting on furniture that I once selected, and watching the man I was committed to for fifteen years have his first xmas with his new love would not put me in the holiday spirit. I would feel like an outsider.

Both my unmentionables have not had any outward issues regarding the divorce for several months. My seven year old has been anxious over the holiday arrangements, asking frequently when he would be where. (He is a child of routine and needs the security of knowing where he will be sleeping.) Tonight I found him crying quietly in bed when I went in for a routine check. After some talk he said he was upset about Christmas morning -- that he wanted to do stockings and santa with "everyone" - that he was crying because he just didn't know who he loved more and it made his stomach hurt. We addressed that, but I have to wonder...am I handling this xmas morning issue in a way that is easiest for me or best for my unmentionables? I believe it is important for them to see the myself, their father, and his girlfriend interacting in positive ways, ways that make them feel secure. But JEESH!

Maybe I should grit my teeth, put on a smile, and try and push through past negativity? Maybe I am just reacting to my sons tears out of guilt? Maybe there are other ways to address his feelings? I have no perspective on this issue, I fear.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Past Relationships, Holidays, and Awkward Moments - 12/11/2005 5:17:07 AM   
PhoenixRisen


Posts: 7
Joined: 3/15/2005
Status: offline 		The first major holiday after a divorce, or split of any kind is tough... for everyone involved. Perhaps your ex's "new love" just wasn't thinking when she talked to you about those plans... I couldn't do it, I couldn't ask anyone else to either. The way I explained to my "unmentionables" was that this year was special... they were getting two Christmas', if they are that young you can tell them that you had a talk with Santa and he said he would make a special trip to deliver gifts to both homes. You need to start your own traditions now, unless you are planning on spending every Christmas with them? It will get easier as he gets older but for now, my best advice would be to make sure that he knows that you both love him and Christmas will come to both homes for him and because he is so special to you both and because he now has two families that love him so much, he'll get to do Christmas twice as much.

Not carved in stone, just my advice.... Please keep in mind that when mom is uncomfortable so are the "unmentionables" they pick up on feelings quickly... and a point my husband just made, if you start that then what happens when you have a significant other as well? Gonna drag him over there on Christmas morning, especially that young.... It's always been our belief that "unmentionables" should wake up in their own bed on Christmas morning, there's time to do the running around later in the day. In fact, that's always worked beautifully for me and mine... we got up, did our Christmas thing then they went where they had to go and I had the rest of the day to recover....

Jewel

_____________________________

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

(in reply to Sensualips)
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RE: Past Relationships, Holidays, and Awkward Moments - 12/11/2005 12:24:05 PM   
LadiesBladewing


Posts: 518
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline 		I'm glad this was never an issue for us. The best thing that I can suggest is that so many of us go through these changes, and there is a sense of internal peace that comes with letting go of our old attachments, whether those attachments are to things or to people, once it is time to move on.

I can't tell anyone else how to live their lives, but it seems to me that your little one is struggling to find a way to adjust to the changes in his life. As adults, we can make it easier for the youngsters to find their way through these tough things, by doing everything we can to make sure that the child has the parents -and- the tools to understand that these kind of things are -changes-, not tortures that hang on us for years.

Since you are asking for opinions, I'd say that yes... I'd go to the ex's and his girlfriends' house for Christmas morning. It won't be easy, but nothing worthwhile is ever easy -- and it will make life smoother for the youngsters as they try to adjust. They won't have to worry about whom to love more... they'll know it's ok to love everyone involved.

It takes some really deep breaths, some reminders to oneself that the holidays are about finding -peace-... and that means doing some extra giving to help those whom we cherish to find peace, too... and believing that the Universe (and your ex) aren't out to get you... that there is a way to protect and love your children together, even if you can't live with one another. Over time, practicing this kind of generousity also feels really -good-... especially when the kids are teenagers, and they know that they can still confide in us, and that we've always helped them to find peace, even when things were really rocky for us.

If you don't believe this can be done in practice, I and my mate -both- have done it, and we have the joy of having 4 kids who share (or have shared until the co-parent's deaths) 3 fathers and 3 mothers, and have the additional joy of having one another as near-siblings. It can be done. It's not easy, but it is good, in the long run, for everyone.

I wish you peace this holiday season.

Lady Zephyr

< Message edited by LadiesBladewing -- 12/11/2005 12:25:50 PM >

_____________________________


"Should have", "could have", "would have" and "can't" may be the most dangerous phrases in the English language.

(in reply to Sensualips)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Past Relationships, Holidays, and Awkward Moments - 12/11/2005 8:22:43 PM   
Sensualips


Posts: 604
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you for the reactions. You both make good points. I don't doubt that I am capable of taking those deep breaths and having a pleasant morning. Capable, just reluctant. I do feel that truly co-parenting is a commitment and a journey that is not always comfortable or easy for me, but the end result will be well worth it.

However, I also agree with the idea that WE as a family (me and the short people) need to have our own time and traditions. I don't want to set up situations where the short people set the rules either.

I also have been thinking a great deal about emotional honesty lately, as it applies to the short people. Adults often encourage or even demand that children speak or act in ways which are inconsistent with the child's true feelings. With exasperation we tell them there is no reason to cry or force them to apologize when there is no regret or dismiss them as overreacting when they feel mistreated. They are trained to be emotionally dishonest, directly and by example. They are taught to be polite and appropriate, sometimes at the cost of expressing real emotions. I struggle greatly with emotional honesty myself -- I couldfairly easily gloss over my uncomfortable feelings and ensure a easy and cheerful time is had by all. Is that doing my unmentionables a disservice, or helping them with transition? I am not sure.


(in reply to LadiesBladewing)
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RE: Past Relationships, Holidays, and Awkward Moments - 12/11/2005 8:44:51 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 1512
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I know about awkward holiday moments. I've remained close to my ex-family since my divorce. Last Christmas I spent the eve with them, at their invitation. I felt I had to honor their request as it was the first Christmas after the death of my ex-father-in-law (I'd always avoided the get together in prior years and made my visit a few days before the eve). It was a nice time for everyone except my ex's wife. She sat in a chair and pouted in the corner. It was awkward for me, because of her behavior. Not sure what this year will bring.

_____________________________

Will you show me something that nobody else has seen?
- R.E.M.

(in reply to Sensualips)
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RE: Past Relationships, Holidays, and Awkward Moments - 12/11/2005 9:18:00 PM   
kisshou


Posts: 704
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline 		my heart goes out to you , this is a tough situation emotionally but absolutely do not go over there for Christmas morning. This is the year to start new traditions, it is better to make a clean break. I think you spending the holiday with the dad would only foster dreams of reconciliation in the unmentionables. I think by your post is it obvious you are a wonderful mom who listens and takes to heart the feelings of the unmentionables. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday!

(in reply to Sensualips)
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RE: Past Relationships, Holidays, and Awkward Moments - 12/11/2005 11:50:51 PM   
MadameDahlia


Posts: 1329
Joined: 8/11/2004
From: Southern California
Status: offline 		I think that the dual Christmas suggestion sounds like a wonderful idea. It makes the two events extra special... instead of the one event being extra worrisome.

Grinning and bearing it this year may mean that you'll feel pressure to do so again next year. Suppose there's tension coming off of you in waves (for all of the reasons you've listed) and everyone (including the wee ones) feel that tension?

_____________________________

Insanity -- a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.
--R. D. Laing

(in reply to kisshou)
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RE: Past Relationships, Holidays, and Awkward Moments - 12/12/2005 5:38:44 AM   
justheather


Posts: 307
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline 		Perhaps you could address your seven-year-old's fears with practical solutions while still maintaining your integrity and avoiding what sounds like a horribly difficult and painful situation for you. Perhaps Santa could be sent a letter explaining the new living situation and he could send one back assuring your child that he has both addresses and will be sure to leave a litttle something at each place 'and ps. oh yes Ive been watching your Mama and Daddy and they just love you so much... they each want to have special alone time with you on Christmas morning so please remember to hang a stocking at both houses' type of thing.
Im a single mom and sometimes difficult situations arise where it seems like the only way to protect your child is to throw yourself to the wolves but be assured that what matters is that you love your child, listen to his concerns and are there physically with him when he is sad about the changes, and that you respect YOURSELF enough to take care of yourself emotionally. This message will carry on in his spirit long after the disappointment of not all being together on Christmas morning fades. It might happen that he becomes so wrapped up in all the excitement that he has a great time and forgets to be upset. This happens sometimes with my son. And truely, for how many subsequent years are you prepared to spend Christmas mornings in your old house with your old stuff and his new flame? Im surprised she was insensitive enough to make such an offer.
I wish you great luck in solving this dilemma, but just remember to cut yourself some slack and go with your heart. You cant go wrong if you act out of love. Truely.

(Oh, and may I ask why everyone refers to their offspring as "unmentionables"?)


_____________________________

I want the scissors to be sharp
And the table perfectly level
When you cut me out of my life
And paste me in that book you always carry.
-Billy Collins

(in reply to Sensualips)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Past Relationships, Holidays, and Awkward Moments - 12/12/2005 6:55:13 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 2651
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sensualips
Maybe I should grit my teeth, put on a smile, and try and push through past negativity? Maybe I am just reacting to my sons tears out of guilt? Maybe there are other ways to address his feelings? I have no perspective on this issue, I fear.

I say grit the teeth. I would SO not want to be in your situation. It sounds like you all celebrate the holidays to gain a sense of family and spoil the kids.

Generally I never suggest making drama on the holidays, but if you seriously think you can just deal for a few hours, then do it.

Next year, they come to visit YOUR house for christmas morning.

(in reply to Sensualips)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Past Relationships, Holidays, and Awkward Moments - 12/12/2005 7:41:58 AM   
LadiesBladewing


Posts: 518
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline 		Actually, this sounds like a -really- good suggestion. The other thing that I might suggest is that you have a celebration at your home for all the "short people" and any other family members who want to attend on Christmas Eve -- a special dinner, caroling, and maybe even some small piece of community service (It is always wonderful to teach our next generation to give something back to the community -- especially at this time of year when the meaning of the season -- the birth/awakening of the Light in all of us -- is superseded by the conspicuous consumption of our culture.) Finish off with some ritual to tuck the unmentionables in for the evening, and fond farewells.... then plan with the other adults to reverse the event for next year... where the Eve is celebrated at their home, and Santa is "introduced" to the new "delivery spot" and "delivery schedule" for coming years.

This way, the whole of the family can celebrate the joy of the season, give a little bit to one another (and the community) and show the unmentionables in really PRACTICAL ways, that they are loved and cherished by all of the adults.

Lady Zephyr
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross


Generally I never suggest making drama on the holidays, but if you seriously think you can just deal for a few hours, then do it.

Next year, they come to visit YOUR house for christmas morning.


< Message edited by LadiesBladewing -- 12/12/2005 7:42:46 AM >

_____________________________


"Should have", "could have", "would have" and "can't" may be the most dangerous phrases in the English language.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Past Relationships, Holidays, and Awkward Moments - 12/12/2005 8:21:28 PM   
Sensualips


Posts: 604
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		Thanks to all. I do have to say I do think The Girlfriend was making a sincere effort to come up with a solution and make a reconcilatory gesture to me. Her sincerity and sanity may be intermittent, but they are easy for me to recognize. And despite personal issues I do believe she has almost always done her best for my short people - albeit a "different" best than mine.

Also I want to point out the short people will wake in their "own" bed, and their home with father is just as much their home as the one they have with me. I do understand the point that was being made and appreciate it though.

As a side note to the poster that asked, I am using short people and unmentionables as it is believed that the other traditional words will result in removal due to the rule on this site regarding absolutely no references to...you know....unmentionables. I suspect that may be a semi-myth and the conversation is looked at in context, but I play along just in case.

I believe some sort of compromise is in order and will work on Project Red&Greenlight. I think I will propose the children wake and do stockings. They can call me when that is done and do their "family gifts" (eww, I am not watching THAT) while I time my arrival in time for breakfast and the Santa presents. After the frenzy has died down I will annouce there must be some dreadful mistake, because Santa also stopped at my house. I'll escort the kids home, have a couple hours us time, then deliver them back to my ex's for the extended family Christmas dinner thing. With any luck they will be exhausted and cranky - bwaaahahahaha!

(in reply to LadiesBladewing)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Past Relationships, Holidays, and Awkward Moments - 12/13/2005 4:58:08 AM   
LadiesBladewing


Posts: 518
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: justheather

(Oh, and may I ask why everyone refers to their offspring as "unmentionables"?)



Borrowed from the Board Guidelines:

Regarding the acceptability of various discussion topics - in most cases this will have to be determined based upon the essay in question, the content involved, and its particular form of presentation. Topics which are unacceptable regardless of circumstance include, but are not limited to - minors, ****, ****, necrophilia, snuff and criminal activities.

This is why most people here don't use the traditional words and are intentionally somewhat obtuse when the content of the posts requires that we discuss certain short individuals here.

Lady Zephyr

_____________________________


"Should have", "could have", "would have" and "can't" may be the most dangerous phrases in the English language.

(in reply to justheather)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Past Relationships, Holidays, and Awkward Moments - 12/14/2005 4:00:15 PM   
Aton


Posts: 2
Joined: 11/19/2005
Status: offline 		Obviously for you to grit your teeth to bear it means that you are "living in the past" about who you know him and your self to be. What would be possible for you and everyone if you were present to that day and let all of the past go. What if being in that situation could have no negative meaning and just be present to the joy of togetherness?

Who would you have to "be" to make this work?

Aton

(in reply to LadiesBladewing)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Past Relationships, Holidays, and Awkward Moments - 12/14/2005 8:15:54 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 2651
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sensualips
After the frenzy has died down I will annouce there must be some dreadful mistake, because Santa also stopped at my house. I'll escort the kids home, have a couple hours us time, then deliver them back to my ex's for the extended family Christmas dinner thing. With any luck they will be exhausted and cranky - bwaaahahahaha!

Frankly that sounds too complicated and manipulative.

If you want the kids to get presents and they will be at their fathers, and you can't bear to be there in the morning, then just tell the kids that you love them and will see them in the afternoon and they will be blissful in their morning. You can even make a normal love you phone call.

This way the kids get TWO christmas phases- once with the big morning wake-up and then another time later with you.

But all the trucking around and back and forth and "morning surprise" seems impractical and unnecessary for ANYONE, specially the kids, as well as not very fair to the father and step mother, who really haven't done anything wrong in this situation.

(in reply to Sensualips)
Profile   Post #: 14
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