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Newbie has a question - 11/27/2005 12:20:53 PM

pawschan

Posts: 19
Joined: 11/26/2005
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Hi there! ^^ I've been wondering this for a while. Is it normal for people into poly to get a lot of mixed feelings? Right now I have two relationships, and they both know and understand that this is how I am. I have two relationships because whenever I try having only one, I end up cheating, and I end up feeling so bad about it. But now that I'm attached to two people, their personalities sort of conflict. One (the one I'm living with) is very laid back about it, he says if I choose to live with the other guy, he wouldn't care, so long as I still love him. The other one, understands that I love both of them, but wishes I would commit to only one. He understands that I love him dearly, but I must do this, or else I could ruin the relationship by sneaking off with other people behind the others back. o.o Is it normal to get all these conflictions, and then get sort of confused, when I know I love both of them?

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RE: Newbie has a question - 11/27/2005 12:25:19 PM

JohnWarren

Posts: 1931
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pawschan

]Hi there! ^^ I've been wondering this for a while. Is it normal for people into poly to get a lot of mixed feelings? Right now I have two relationships, and they both know and understand that this is how I am. I have two relationships because whenever I try having only one, I end up cheating, and I end up feeling so bad about it. But now that I'm attached to two people, their personalities sort of conflict. One (the one I'm living with) is very laid back about it, he says if I choose to live with the other guy, he wouldn't care, so long as I still love him. The other one, understands that I love both of them, but wishes I would commit to only one. He understands that I love him dearly, but I must do this, or else I could ruin the relationship by sneaking off with other people behind the others back. o.o Is it normal to get all these conflictions, and then get sort of confused, when I know I love both of them?[/size][/color]

Bigger type, please.

Some discomfort is to be expected. After all, you are doing something an entire society tells you can't be done. Things like that aren't easy or everyone would do them.

Look into your soul. Do you really think you are doing something wrong or unethical? Or are you trying to handle a need in the best, most ethical way you can?

I recommend a great book The Ethical Slut from Greenery Press www.greenerypress.com

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RE: Newbie has a question - 11/27/2005 1:01:30 PM

pawschan

Posts: 19
Joined: 11/26/2005
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Thank you for the book reccomendation. I will try and check it out. ^^

I know what I'm doing is not wrong. It would be wrong for me to have to just go by standards because everyone else says its wrong to do. o.o I think you are right about handling it that way. I am trying to do the best, most ethical way I can handle myself.

Oh, and sorry about the type. I'm used to being around forums with teenagers and people who don't have problems reading small type. >.>

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RE: Newbie has a question - 11/27/2005 3:54:21 PM

Bri4fun

Posts: 6
Joined: 1/1/2004
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"Poly" is multiple loves. An extended family where all care for each other. If you're living with one and "sneaking" around with another, that is not poly. Honesty and trustworthiness is essential in ANY relationship...how much more so must it be for multiple loves? I have a slave and am fully open to another relationship entirely "above board"...but even though she is slave...and I, as Master, have no rules...I still, as a matter of honor, would never do something dishonest. Love means just that. Should I meet just the right woman, one I felt would fit the household I control, protect...I might bring her into a poly relationship. But only on a condition of the multiple LOVES...not my selfishness...but as a building.

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RE: Newbie has a question - 11/27/2005 5:07:25 PM

pawschan

Posts: 19
Joined: 11/26/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Bri4fun

"Poly" is multiple loves. An extended family where all care for each other. If you're living with one and "sneaking" around with another, that is not poly. Honesty and trustworthiness is essential in ANY relationship...how much more so must it be for multiple loves? I have a slave and am fully open to another relationship entirely "above board"...but even though she is slave...and I, as Master, have no rules...I still, as a matter of honor, would never do something dishonest. Love means just that. Should I meet just the right woman, one I felt would fit the household I control, protect...I might bring her into a poly relationship. But only on a condition of the multiple LOVES...not my selfishness...but as a building.

I'm not sneaking around with anyone! How dare you assume that I'm sneaking around with anyone! They are both loved ones, and they both know of each other! I would never ever hurt someone. You don't payu attention to what I posted, so you should please learn to read more carefully! Just because you practice poly as a family, doesn't mean I have to! The definition of poly is having multiple lovers, of an emotional, physical, or spiritual connection! How dare you even think of me as cheating on the ones I love! I may be young, but that was very rude!

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RE: Newbie has a question - 11/27/2005 5:26:19 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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This is another example of why I say that love has little to do with making relationships work.

This guy entered into a poly relationship with you. Now, he wants you to go monogamous with him. You do not feel this would be being true to yourself.

If he wants monogamy, he should be with someone else. This has nothing to do with how much you love someone, simply to do with your nature.

It also has nothing to do with how laid back the other guy is (however, that makes it easier and lets you know he's someone who will let you be yourself).

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RE: Newbie has a question - 11/27/2005 5:33:41 PM

pawschan

Posts: 19
Joined: 11/26/2005
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Well, I know he wishes that I would be monogamous, but I think he understands it's not who I am, and is learning to accept it. >.> I'm just a bit worried that he's not being true to himself if he is not happy with me having multiple partners. I think you bring up a good point of him being want monogomy, but I don't think he wants anyone else right now. o.o This is all just so confusing. >< I think I will have to talk with him more about that soon. o.o

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RE: Newbie has a question - 11/27/2005 5:40:34 PM

Bri4fun

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"I'm not sneaking around with anyone! How dare you assume that I'm sneaking around with anyone! They are both loved ones, and they both know of each other! I would never ever hurt someone. You don't payu attention to what I posted, so you should please learn to read more carefully! Just because you practice poly as a family, doesn't mean I have to! The definition of poly is having multiple lovers, of an emotional, physical, or spiritual connection! How dare you even think of me as cheating on the ones I love! I may be young, but that was very rude! "

"How dare" I? LOLOLOLOL...right...thank god I never dated one like this.
I didn't assume anything...take a valium for your obviously guilty conscience lol. YOU said you "ALWAYS" end up cheating in your relationships. I simply defined empirically what poly is. And if you cheated (that's how YOU put it), you DID hurt someone.
And you are not poly...you are a swinger who is simply happier with multiple partners. I was tactful and you took defintions and a statement about trust as an attack. If you're living with one who's willing to let you sleep with another somewhere else...and sleeping with the other who, by YOUR words, wants a committed relation...you ARE hurting someone. How about you stop flaming and look inside yourself? You define poly, but are not capable at this point of living it. You are young and have an extreme lack of experience. I am amused, however, at your attack and ignorance as to what is rude. Read what I wrote carefully, without making the silly assumption I've attacked and you'll see there's simply tact and potential knowledge in there. You can flame again if you want, child...but I won't see it. I don't figure on wasting my time on this trivial nonsense.

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RE: Newbie has a question - 11/27/2005 5:50:21 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Bri4fun
And you are not poly...you are a swinger who is simply happier with multiple partners.

I'm not sure how you are coming to this conclusion?

She seems to have two relationships with different people at the same time. That's pretty much poly.

WOuld you consider my situation swinger with multiple partners?

quote:

Read what I wrote carefully, without making the silly assumption I've attacked and you'll see there's simply tact and potential knowledge in there. You can flame again if you want, child...but I won't see it. I don't figure on wasting my time on this trivial nonsense.

Yes because repeated obvious condescension AS WELL AS negating someone's own orientation is so much more polite and mature.

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RE: Newbie has a question - 11/27/2005 5:56:25 PM

greenie

Posts: 579
Joined: 7/24/2005
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quote:

I didn't assume anything...take a valium for your obviously guilty conscience lol. YOU said you "ALWAYS" end up cheating in your relationships. I simply defined empirically what poly is. And if you cheated (that's how YOU put it), you DID hurt someone.
And you are not poly...you are a swinger who is simply happier with multiple partners.

i think what she actually said was

quote:

Right now I have two relationships, and they both know and understand that this is how I am. I have two relationships because whenever I try having only one, I end up cheating, and I end up feeling so bad about it.

which to me means that in the past she wasn't honest about who she is with her partners and now she is being honest and is involved in 2 loving relationships and everyone involved is fully aware of the situation. If she was swinging she wouldn't be in loving relationships but having sexual relationships. If she was cheating then neither of the men would know about the other, but they do. She has accepted that who she is as a person with the ability to love more then one partner rather then sneak around behind anyone's back. She is trying to be ethical about it.

edited for spelling

< Message edited by greenie -- 11/27/2005 5:58:14 PM >

_____________________________

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
-- Robert DE Niro

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RE: Newbie has a question - 11/27/2005 6:15:19 PM

jamesthehumanrug

Posts: 422
Joined: 10/21/2005
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greetings chan paws
is poly what i think
more than one
vs monogamy if so
you know at least you cant sneak anything
i hate it when a top sneaks when they know youre a slave whats the sneak for
am i top now
you cant do that?what an insult(get lost you dont know me is how i feel)
its an insult to one or the others intelligent agreement and shows no trust at all
let them make the decision even the one pressing you
obviously someones got a conflict why does it have to be projected on you
poly means everyone on a different level
close the door with words and it is forever
you cant take things you say back
so say nothing
go on
grow hang on if you want and go monogomy but you cant do monogamy in a poly rel you have to restate yourself to the pressure person cause it will come up again
what you want is all it comes down to anyway
no sin in monogamy or poly just dont say or close the doors forever you will loose someone
you are in poly and thats all you can restate right now

< Message edited by jamesthehumanrug -- 11/27/2005 6:18:00 PM >

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RE: Newbie has a question - 11/27/2005 6:30:03 PM

pawschan

Posts: 19
Joined: 11/26/2005
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quote:

Read what I wrote carefully, without making the silly assumption I've attacked and you'll see there's simply tact and potential knowledge in there. You can flame again if you want, child...but I won't see it. I don't figure on wasting my time on this trivial nonsense.

Yes because repeated obvious condescension AS WELL AS negating someone's own orientation is so much more polite and mature.

You are right. That was immature of me to say. I spoke out of anger, and that was wrong of me. I'm a human being, I make mistakes.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

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RE: Newbie has a question - 11/27/2005 6:33:25 PM

pawschan

Posts: 19
Joined: 11/26/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: greenie

quote:

I didn't assume anything...take a valium for your obviously guilty conscience lol. YOU said you "ALWAYS" end up cheating in your relationships. I simply defined empirically what poly is. And if you cheated (that's how YOU put it), you DID hurt someone.
And you are not poly...you are a swinger who is simply happier with multiple partners.

i think what she actually said was

quote:

Right now I have two relationships, and they both know and understand that this is how I am. I have two relationships because whenever I try having only one, I end up cheating, and I end up feeling so bad about it.

which to me means that in the past she wasn't honest about who she is with her partners and now she is being honest and is involved in 2 loving relationships and everyone involved is fully aware of the situation. If she was swinging she wouldn't be in loving relationships but having sexual relationships. If she was cheating then neither of the men would know about the other, but they do. She has accepted that who she is as a person with the ability to love more then one partner rather then sneak around behind anyone's back. She is trying to be ethical about it.

edited for spelling

Thank you. That is what I meant by cheating. I had cheated in the past, and I felt terrible about it, and I know I hurt them. What I was asking about was when trying to be ethical about it, is those feelings I have normal. :3 Thank you for clearing this up.

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RE: Newbie has a question - 11/27/2005 6:34:49 PM

greenie

Posts: 579
Joined: 7/24/2005
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hope i helped clear things up

_____________________________

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
-- Robert DE Niro

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