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Mentoring - 5/6/2004 2:44:29 PM

silkNsteel

Posts: 15
Joined: 4/24/2004
Status: offline

Greetings, I am rather inexperienced in the lifestyle and new to Collerme. I would appreciate any discussion on the topic of mentoring a sub. In my path of learning it has been suggested that having a mentor would be of help to me.

Is it an effective tool for training or learning, or do you consider it more a waste of time? Why would you recommend finding a mentor to a sub, and what would be its benefits or drawbacks?

From the sub’s point of view – did having a mentor help you and if so in what way?

Thanks for your time!

silkNsteel

Post #: 1

RE: Mentoring - 5/6/2004 3:28:16 PM

EStrict

Posts: 730
Joined: 1/11/2004
Status: offline

Hi Silk,

http://www.collarme.com/forum/Mentoring/m_2670/tm.htm

here is this topic from earlier.

_____________________________

Sandy

Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyway...

(in reply to silkNsteel)

Post #: 2

RE: Mentoring - 5/6/2004 3:48:35 PM

nysub29

Posts: 12
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Hello. I think a mentor is a fine idea. I think anytime you can gather information and use it as a foundation while incorporating it into your own personality is useful.
Of course I do believe the Dom/Domme is ultimately the best mentor. Afterall a fellow sub could lead you in a direction that would not please your current or future Dom/Domme.
So while I do believe a sub as mentor is worthwhile and will give you a foundation from which to build on I believe it is the Dom/Domme who supplies the best guidance.

< Message edited by nysub29 -- 5/6/2004 3:52:01 PM >

_____________________________

Barnes~ dedicated submissive to Lady Beckett

(in reply to silkNsteel)

Post #: 3

RE: Mentoring - 5/6/2004 4:40:20 PM

silkNsteel

Posts: 15
Joined: 4/24/2004
Status: offline

Thank you Sandy, I had searched but apparently not carefully enough.

Barnes, thank you for your reply. I was perhaps not specific in my phrasing, I had meant that it was suggested I find a Dom to mentor me. I agree that a sub mentoring a sub might not be as effective depending on the goal of the mentoring.

silkNsteel

(in reply to nysub29)

Post #: 4

RE: Mentoring - 5/6/2004 5:16:29 PM

GoddessMarissa

Posts: 240
Joined: 4/10/2004
From: Las Vegas NV
Status: offline

I think the only way you will learn is to have a Dom teach you with hands on experience. That is how I learned, and got proper advise. I don't see any downfalls in that at all.

_____________________________

D/s makes the world go round~~
www.Domina.ms/love

(in reply to silkNsteel)

Post #: 5

RE: Mentoring - 5/6/2004 5:33:00 PM

EStrict

Posts: 730
Joined: 1/11/2004
Status: offline

Hi Marissa,

Did you have a dominant teach you to be a dominant or a submissive? If it is to be a dominant, then logic would say she should find a submissive.

On another note, I don't think anyone can *teach* you to be either dominant or submissve. That is something that comes from within. They can teach you protocol, safety, styles, etc, but it is only *you* who can decide who or what you are...

_____________________________

Sandy

Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyway...

(in reply to GoddessMarissa)

Post #: 6

RE: Mentoring - 5/6/2004 7:08:18 PM

SherriA

Posts: 553
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: nysub29

Of course I do believe the Dom/Domme is ultimately the best mentor. Afterall a fellow sub could lead you in a direction that would not please your current or future Dom/Domme.

I've seen more disasters in this kind of pairing than any other (ie top mentoring bottom). Almost without fail (there are rare exceptions) boundaries are not clearly drawn, or are readily crossed. I'm not sure why having a bottom mentor another bottom is going to be any more likely to lead someone in a direction that would displease a future partner any more than having a top do it would. Every partner wants something differen/specific to his/her personal needs. Another top isn't going to know that better than a bottom, imnsho.

If a mentor's job is to teach/guide, then who better than someone who has walked in those shoes? Someone who can identify with what the individual is going through, and offer advice from his/her own experiences in that same place? Who better to know the common pitfalls and obstacles, and the effective coping strageties?

Also, in a bottom/bottom or top/top pairing, there's much less chance of the boundaries being trashed. A mentor relationship, imnsho, is NOT supposed to be a pseudo/practice relationship partner.

_____________________________

-- Sherri

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

(in reply to nysub29)

Post #: 7

RE: Mentoring - 5/6/2004 7:26:30 PM

ModeratorThree

Posts: 902
Status: offline

Welcome to collarme .

Mod3

(in reply to SherriA)

Post #: 8

RE: Mentoring - 5/6/2004 8:24:16 PM

siamsa24

Posts: 2052
Joined: 2/2/2004
Status: offline

I agree SherriA, I have found that some of the best advice that I've gotten has been from other submissives or slaves (I am also a submissive bordering on slave) and that the best questions have been answered by the same.

(in reply to SherriA)

Post #: 9

RE: Mentoring - 5/6/2004 10:53:18 PM

GoddessMarissa

Posts: 240
Joined: 4/10/2004
From: Las Vegas NV
Status: offline

When I say thats how I learned, I was talking about safety issues, before & after care, interviewing, safe, sane, consensual, ect. Now silk was talking about having a mentor that was a Dom. Mentors do teach and subs can be mentors as well, but it didnt look like silk was talking about subs to me.

_____________________________

D/s makes the world go round~~
www.Domina.ms/love

(in reply to EStrict)

Post #: 10

RE: Mentoring - 5/6/2004 10:59:09 PM

GoddessMarissa

Posts: 240
Joined: 4/10/2004
From: Las Vegas NV
Status: offline

I never said anything about anyone teaching someone to be dominant or submissive. Nobody can teach that, but they can teach guidelines. Anyways I'm not saying a sub could not be a good mentor, but how can a sub train another sub to submit to them?

< Message edited by GoddessMarissa -- 5/6/2004 11:15:37 PM >

_____________________________

D/s makes the world go round~~
www.Domina.ms/love

(in reply to EStrict)

Post #: 11

RE: Mentoring - 5/7/2004 12:07:57 AM

teirtu

Posts: 17
Joined: 4/11/2004
Status: offline

Hello silkNsteel,

I was fortunate in that I had two wonderful Mentors in my life. One, a male Dominant and the other, a female slave. They were not connected to each other. I constantly got healthy feedback from both of them and learned so much about the different philosophies surrounding the multitude of choices of how one fits into BDSM. As time went on, I met others, learned from them as well, and my own experiences and soul searching.

I only have this to say as caution; beware of anyone that needs to "play" with you as a way of mentoring. That's just a lie and a way to get into your pants. Period. The ONLY role of a Mentor is one of an experienced BDSM practitioner who is willing to listen, talk and help guide you. And if anyone wants to be your "trainer", i would run from them too. The only one that can train you is one that would own you.

regards,
teirtu

edited for useful advice: Consider going to local munches, seek out those willing to give references of people you can actually talk to... NEVER be afraid to ask questions.

< Message edited by teirtu -- 5/7/2004 12:15:40 AM >

(in reply to silkNsteel)

Post #: 12

RE: Mentoring - 5/7/2004 12:34:29 AM

teirtu

Posts: 17
Joined: 4/11/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SherriA

I've seen more disasters in this kind of pairing than any other (ie top mentoring bottom). Almost without fail (there are rare exceptions) boundaries are not clearly drawn, or are readily crossed. I'm not sure why having a bottom mentor another bottom is going to be any more likely to lead someone in a direction that would displease a future partner any more than having a top do it would. Every partner wants something differen/specific to his/her personal needs. Another top isn't going to know that better than a bottom, imnsho.

If a mentor's job is to teach/guide, then who better than someone who has walked in those shoes? Someone who can identify with what the individual is going through, and offer advice from his/her own experiences in that same place? Who better to know the common pitfalls and obstacles, and the effective coping strageties?

Also, in a bottom/bottom or top/top pairing, there's much less chance of the boundaries being trashed. A mentor relationship, imnsho, is NOT supposed to be a pseudo/practice relationship partner.

Hi Sherri,
I agree, though I greatly benefited from more than a fellow "bottom"'s view. You are so right on when you say that you've seen more disasters come from the top/bottom mentoring (or Dom/sub, whatever) because too many use "mentoring" as a way to lure new women into the "your not a true sub if you don't ______ (fill in the blank) trap. Having a Mentor on both sides of the fence was the best place for me to be.

teirtu

"there's an inverse relationship between a Dominant's sincerity and knowledge and the immediacy in which he brings up the subject of blow jobs".

(in reply to SherriA)

Post #: 13

RE: Mentoring - 5/7/2004 8:36:34 AM

MstrMrW

Posts: 40
Joined: 3/2/2004
Status: offline

quote:

"there's an inverse relationship between a Dominant's sincerity and knowledge and the immediacy in which he brings up the subject of blow jobs".

teirtu - what a great quote! - maybe use this criteria as a filter to weed out some of the HNG's

_____________________________

It is a tops business to produce intense and specific sensations in their bottoms: the top's pleasure is their own business

(in reply to teirtu)

Post #: 14

RE: Mentoring - 5/7/2004 9:43:51 AM

Sinergy

Posts: 1290
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

As this seems the proper forum, I had a general question to ask.

Dom A becomes a mentor for submissive B and assists this individual with learning the ropes of being a submissive, with the intention of submissive B finding a Dom for himself/herself.

3-12 months down the line, Dom A actively attempts to pursue submissive B in as their own submissive.

The problem I have with this goes back to the ethical issues surrounding teacher / student, therapist / patient, etc., relationships. The power relationship which exists outside of the personal relationship is considered (legally in some cases) to make the idea of "consent" impossible or unlikely for the student / patient.

I would love to hear feedback on this issue.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"Why am I surrounded by fricking idiots?" Dr. Evil

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle, 44th Vice President of the United States

(in reply to MstrMrW)

Post #: 15

RE: Mentoring - 5/7/2004 11:54:26 AM

EStrict

Posts: 730
Joined: 1/11/2004
Status: offline

You know Sir, the only bad scene I ever had came from this type of situation. We had agreed to meet as friends if we ever could. Over a year later, we met, and the dominant I was currently in a relationship and he negotiated a scene. During the scene, he tied me up and whipped me with a single tail. He ended up getting fairly brutal, because he told me he wasn't going to stop until I agreed to break it off with the other dominant and move to him.

Though not a masochist, I am stubborn as all hell, and I wouldn't say what he wanted because that would be (in my mind) dishonorable to my dominant. When he realized it wasn't going to work, he released me. I was due to be at my mothers 15 minutes later, so I got out of there and never spoke to him again. He stalked me online for about 6 months begging forgiveness, and in the end I told him that I didn't hate him, but I was more disappointed in myself for having trusted him to begin with. It finally sunk in, and he left me alone.

This happened many years ago, and as I said, it was the only REALLY negative experience I have had since getting involved in everything. I followed all the safety procedures, and the only thing I failed to do was listen to my OWN feelings. I allowed someone who was giving off an *antsy* (for lack of a better word) vibe tie me up in private. I have never done it again since.

_____________________________

Sandy

Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyway...

(in reply to Sinergy)

Post #: 16

RE: Mentoring - 5/7/2004 12:27:21 PM

Sinergy

Posts: 1290
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

Thank you for the feedback, EStrict.

My point was more towards the ethical ramifications of using one's undue influence over one's protege.

May just be me, though, I dont date co-workers, I dont date students, I update anybody I am in a mentoring role on my list of people who are not in my dating / playing with pool
and wish them all the success in their search.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"Why am I surrounded by fricking idiots?" Dr. Evil

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle, 44th Vice President of the United States

(in reply to EStrict)

Post #: 17

RE: Mentoring - 5/7/2004 12:35:13 PM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 1216
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline

To A/all: since this has been covered in various ways, I will simply give you My take on it. I agree that being submissive or being Dominant is a natural instinct. I honestly do not want to mentor a sub who fights Me every step of the way. Also, fondly known as "topping from the bottom" LOL...but it happens.
All subs/Dominants have to determine what areas of the lifestyle suit their own personalities. If one comes to Me already "trained"...that could be good or it could be not so good. If a sub/slave already knows the basics, I only need to train/discipline to what I desire. A sub can mentor another sub, a Dominant can mentor a sub. But even when I mentor a new Dominant, meaning new to the lifestyle (but the instincts are there) I am cautious in that I make clear I can only give the basic (but pretty comprehensive!)guidelines. O/one must take what I teach and fit it to their own personality. But there are always basics to learn if one is serious about the lifestyle. So if a mentor will help, and knows those basics, go for it!

(in reply to silkNsteel)

Post #: 18

RE: Mentoring - 5/7/2004 4:56:29 PM

topcat

Posts: 1013
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Long Island
Status: offline

quote:

"there's an inverse relationship between a Dominant's sincerity and knowledge and the immediacy in which he brings up the subject of blow jobs".

Oops! damn.

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to teirtu)

Post #: 19

RE: Mentoring - 5/7/2004 4:59:51 PM

topcat

Posts: 1013
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Long Island
Status: offline

quote:

My point was more towards the ethical ramifications of using one's undue influence over one's protege.

M. Sinergy-

I agree- it's one of the reasons I don't do any 'mentoring' that involves physical contact. That, and I have sworn to never use my powers for evil <g>.

Stay warm,
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to Sinergy)

Post #: 20

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