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Lost Her - 9/16/2005 2:36:22 PM

RiotGirl

Posts: 1752
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Well, i can honestly say i'm not suprised. But we are losing her. Problem being is, i am engaged to Master and that is what she wants. She wants to be "number one" she wants to marry him. She literally wants my place. i've tried explaining over and over that we will all have unique relationships with each other. just because she doesnt have the relationship i have with him.. isnt bad.. she has to make her own. Even though its difficult for ME, who is so newly poly and unsure about all this to hear some one else speak about loving him and wanting to Marry him and everything along that line, i have been trying to talk to her and work with her to over come. Last i spoke with her she was fine. Today, i find out she is not, and she's calling it quits. Master is at work, and doesnt know and i am wondering how he will take it. wondering if i should bring it up to him.. let her do it.. what? i tried talking to her today.. but what can i say?

She wants to marry him and cant handle him Marrying me. What do you say to that? that i HAVENT already said? i've even gone the OTHER route and said "well you knew how things stood when you walked in and they havent changed" i suppose the problem is, well i know what the problem is and why it occured. i'm not suprised, because i know she's felt deeply for him and prolly couldnt handle ME, that and her being at a new college and experiencing college life.. new friends.. ect.. and the other that i dont really think she IS a SLAVE. For example.. alot of the "scenes" we did when she was here.. she didnt like. She didnt like anything actually other then "hanging out" Kneeling, calling him Master.. ect.. she didnt like. i could tell she was just bearing through it. She didnt say anything, but i'm good at reading ppl. i spoke with her about it at a later time.. tried to get more enthusiasm from her, ect.. eh

Emerald you were right. though i suppose it was part of MY problem. The up and down. She actually wanted to take something from me and wasnt happy with not having it. In her words, she wants to be number one, though when she entered into the relationship, she thought she could.

But i tried, for his sake instead of act on impulse and kick her in the nads on some of her comments. like I (yes thats ME), dont understand, because she just feeeeeeels so deeply for him. Yet bringing to another thought, if she felt so "deeply" for him, how can she just give up and walk away? Well i know, she's found some one that she likes that she can be "number one" with. More power too her. i just wish she had sorted this al out before all the stress and worry and inveestment.

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RE: Lost Her - 9/16/2005 2:55:39 PM

JohnWarren

Posts: 1931
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl
. Problem being is, i am engaged to Master and that is what she wants.

Sounds like a triad Libby and I had a number of years ago. She pretended to be poly but what she really wanted was a conventional monogamous relationship with me.

Well, she wanted a dyad and that's what she got... only she wasn't part of it.

That was Libby's first experiment with poly, and I give her a lot of credit for being willing to try further experiments. It did get quite nasty for a while.

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RE: Lost Her - 9/16/2005 3:17:50 PM

DrkAngl

Posts: 141
Joined: 4/9/2005
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Sounds like she went into the relationship thinking she could just take him away from and threw a temper tantrum when she couldn't. She wanted him, who knows for what other reason. Maybe to impress mom who might be constantly asking her "are you married yet?" I know my mom did that to me. Anyways, just my five cents worth here. I wish you the best of luck and hope things get better for you.

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RE: Lost Her - 9/16/2005 4:48:30 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3610
Joined: 1/1/2004
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Well, being the one who's usually "the other woman" I am going to cut her some slack- she's obviously young, and very likely brand new to the lifestyle. How long did you really know this girl before taking her into the relationship? How many other relationships had she been in?

And this is YOUR first poly too...my guess is mistakes and misunderstandings and miscommunicating and false expectations were made on ALL sides.

Now you've broken the ice, hopefully you can stay friends. Oh and as someone who also had the ex-couple go around and start telling everyone "She's not really a slave you know" when THEY were the ones who asked me to leave because THEY said they didn't have time for me...it's really not a nice thing to do. Talk about your own relationship, but don't put her down.

And now you can see there's ALWAYS a lot more layers going on behind the scenes then you ever really hear or read online. Whenever someone posts about "My new wonderful sister!" I just smile and nod...time is the test.

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RE: Lost Her - 9/16/2005 5:09:55 PM

RandBcouple

Posts: 86
Joined: 5/19/2005
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This scenario you've described here is the exact reason, or one of the reasons, which the idea of poly has always scared me. I'm sorry things didn't turn out well for your Master, i am sure you'll get over it. : )

~Babygirl

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RE: Lost Her - 9/16/2005 8:05:45 PM

RiotGirl

Posts: 1752
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Well Em, i didnt want to be say anything "unpleasant" before. i didnt want to be thinking negatively. i kept THAT under wraps. But i also explained to her how i felt. She ACTUALLY, and honestly, agreed. She was miserable. But i also told her if that is WHAT SHE WANTS, i was willing to help her the best i could. Even tho that is WHAT I BELIEVED, being that my belief isnt really important when it comes to her, i would do what i could to make things easier.. better... whatever..

Smug isnt the prettiest of looks on you Em.

Oh boy, though. We are back to up and down. Cept she's doing it. Now she's thinking on it. As i told her before, whatever makes her happy. Bah, i'm down now. i've my own issues i've been dealing with of late, that i finally broke out to speak to Master about, that once i heard what was going on with her, i took a back seat. And this doesnt make things easier. i feel selfish being down. But i know she needs the spot light so to speak. i suppose a positive word from him when he walked in the door would of helped. From him, about something i've done right.

bah whatever

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RE: Lost Her - 9/16/2005 8:34:26 PM

EmeraldSlave2

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Not smugness, though I can see how it would come across like that, just plain practice and exposure.

Perhaps the relationship has reached a point where it is REAL for you all and now you have to deal with those hard issues rather than just saying "our love and bond will be enough to surpass anything."

Unfortunately bonds become like that only by overcoming things just like this together. You guys obviously need some group talks, group understandings and some chunks of honesty. Sounds like you're doing ok, just keep the process flowing.

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RE: Lost Her - 9/17/2005 10:42:38 AM

MissChicane

Posts: 37
Joined: 7/30/2005
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I was just in a poly relationship that ended with a lot of confusion, mixed feelings, and straight up chaos. We had a triad type of relationship... I've known my Dom for 6 years now and he knows me better than he knows the back of his hand. I had a wonderfully beautiful and intelligent sister sub in the relationship - then for reasons still fully unknown to me, she decided to up and leave when everything was going spectacular... not to mention, when my Dom was at work.

I wonder if she was truly poly - she talked with our Dom about it... but never talked to me about it, before leaving me. We left as friends, but it seems like everyday she gets even more and more upset with us - who knows why? - we don't even talk unless she calls us.

well... that's my daily rant about it. Hope things work out for you (OP)

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RE: Lost Her - 9/17/2005 3:28:54 PM

slavedesires

Posts: 669
Joined: 3/2/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RandBcouple

This scenario you've described here is the exact reason, or one of the reasons, which the idea of poly has always scared me. I'm sorry things didn't turn out well for your Master, i am sure you'll get over it. : )

~Babygirl

Tis also the reason Master insists we are friends before she gets invovled with us permanently....if the women cant get along, He will NOT have it.
So He has me look. As many other girls do per their Master's desires...but always with the Master knowing and behind it all.

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RE: Lost Her - 9/28/2005 4:16:10 AM

Oedalis

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Joined: 9/7/2005
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As the other woman myself, I didn't have issues when coming into my poly knowing that my sister and master were likely to be engaged and married someday (her family is hispanic, like mine, but also far more conservative/traditional---they'd have a thing or two to say if she moved in with him without a ring on her finger and she often seems to desperately want their approval).

However as I became more emotionally involved, it started to become a source of insecurity and envy for me. It wasn't that I didn't want her to marry him. I wanted us BOTH to marry him. I wanted things to be even and equal. At that time, also, it chafed me that she could entertain such hesitancy about possibly marrying him when he is so wonderful that I, who'd always been skeptical of marriage to some degree, knew I would do it in a heartbeat---YET that if either of us were to marry him, it would be her, simply because of her family and her wanting to appear respectable and acceptable to them. All for appearances sake, basically.

Eventually, having had more time to experience how committed my master is to me, to us both, and developing a deeper connection to her, I have moved beyond this. Where at one time I would've had to take off on vacation to spare myself the wedding preparation and ceremony, now when/if it comes to pass, I will happily be a part of the ceremony.

Perhaps I am being optimistic in saying this but there might be a chance that, like myself, she can overcome this, find her security in her connection to both of you (no matter what outsiders may think) and be happy without a ring. Or maybe you can open up the relationship so she can have her deep emotional connection with your master, yet seek someone who can fulfill her need to be someone's one-and-only or who'll just give her added emotional security? It's a possibility.

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RE: Lost Her - 9/30/2005 6:29:59 AM

elfie

Posts: 11
Joined: 3/9/2005
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WoW first advice i want to give, that a deep breath huni!! ok now with that done, take a step away from the whole thing , try and see it from an outsiders perspective. you have done things right at least as far as i can see, she wasnt ready or is just in the whole thing for the game. you need to be open and honest with your Master that you can not handle the ups and downs and the possiblilty of her walking out and then wanting to come back that you need some definates. perhaps that will help otherwise the only other thing i can tell you is just breath....

oh yeah and by the way... doesnt sound like you lost her,,, sounds like she lost you

::leaves her 2 cents on the sopabox::

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