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Jealousy issues - 11/23/2005 2:51:25 PM

RiotGirl

Posts: 1752
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So okay, i'm not a very poly person. Master is a poly person. i think thats well established.

Being as i am, i try and conquer everything that stands in my way or makes me unhappy. So i've this idea on how to conquer issues about being poly.

i think the first steps in getting "over" this, i dont like sharing issue is to start mentally preparing yourself. Think about it alot. LOL. Look at it, look into it, talk alot. Its helped me tons. Be honest with yourself about how you feel. Dont get hard on yourself because of how you are emotionally responding. (Seeing this certian girl sitting on Master's lap, all comfie cozy, his arm around her made me literally want to slap her across the face and break my beer bottle over his head). Though i know those feelings arent the best (lmao) i'm not mad at myself and i dont think less of myself. i think i'm pretty much human.

My steps in over coming it. (as i literally HATE feeling the way i do)

The thought of Master being sexually interested in another girl, or being with another girl, used to put a ball of pain in my chest and had me withdrawing fast then you could say Damn from him. It was reflex. i honestly didnt think i could "touch" him in the presence of another girl he was interested in and even though he said i could.. it felt wrong to me.

Mentally conquering it. Step by step. i got accustomed to the mere idea of Master just sexually being with some one else. It is the less threatening out of all of it i think. i learned to accept, that it is JUST a body. Just body parts. No biggie, doesnt step into my life. Just play, just fun. i spoke large amounts to Master about how i felt, and how my feelings were changing.

my first progress was telling Master "i dont mind you sleeping with some one, just kick them out the door when you're done"

i have spoken to myself at great lengths, i've talked to others, i have tried to understand the whole poly way of life.

i have i think, gotten over the physical aspects of it. Now i am working on the mental aspects. It is STILL a struggle. But as long as i am honest with Master about where i am at is okay.

We've played with others, and even tried bringing another submissive in. In order to help myself deal more with the mental aspects i think it is good to cope more with the phsyical.

Right now i am taking control of it. With of course Master's blessings. i have out the blue, decided that it would be awesome, to locate lots of little cumsluts and throw them at his feet. Over and over until i can prove to myself and see, that there is REALLY nothing bad going on here. That its not a threat to me, or mine. Showing myself and proving to myself that it is literally all in my head.

So that is where i am at. Though it is still a mental challenge to even THINK about hiim loving some one else (though i know logically that is outrageously silly) i know i will eventually get there.

i am posting this because i know lots of us have jealousy issues.. that its not the easiest thing to get over. But i have found away to take steps to get past it, so i am hoping to share others in order to help them.

P.S. It did seem alot MORE articulate in my head and sounds so much better when i'm talking to my friends helping them get over it. LOL

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RE: Jealousy issues - 11/23/2005 3:34:18 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Actually Riot I think this is the deepest, most introspective and growthful post I've ever seen from you. It rocks.

I don't think your gameplan is wrong...I certainly see nothing wrong with finding hot pussy for your dom to enjoy!

However- to try and think that this will help prepare you for a polyamorous relationship is not really the way it works. As I'm sure you've experienced in your own life- fucking dudes is a completely different endeavor and requires completely different skills than having a life commitment to a dude.

I understand where you're going here. I think it's great that you are taking control of this and not simply letting it override you. I also don't think getting cumsluts could HURT your growth in this way, as long as you pick stable happy ones and not psycho sluts.

If you want, I have a whole essay on dealing with jealous in poly relationships that I'd be happy to share. Also, read The Ethical Slut!

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RE: Jealousy issues - 11/23/2005 4:43:27 PM

felineone

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Awesome post RiotGirl!!!!!

you sound like me.. and what i've gone through.. i've had a lot of those same feelings.

Emerald...
i'd love to see your essay as well...if you don't mind sharing..
(do you mind if i use emerald still?)

thanks!

~feline~

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RE: Jealousy issues - 11/23/2005 4:49:59 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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My generic poly/jealous essay:

A specific piece of advice is that if any of you feel like you have to micromanage the others relationship, it will more than likely cause complications. You either trust eachother or you don't. If you each feel you need a battle plan for each date and scene, you just might not be ready for it. Hot chicks will always be around, better to wait until your primary relationship is really solid before treading water. While being VERY clear on limits and expectations is advised, and this comes from lots of discussion between everyone, there comes a point when it becomes pacifying your own securities rather than allowing the relationship to simply be what it is.

A response to the question: What do you do about jealousy in relationships (poly specific)?

It depends on how much experience everyone has, what the situation is, and what your options are. Have you read the Ethical Slut? That can be an immense help atp utting a lot of ideas together in workable ways.

Obviously starting out, TALK TALK TALK. There is NO TOLERANCE for hiding things, pushing things away, and lying. If it doesn't catch up to you today, it WILL catch up to you in a month.

Normally in Ds poly you have two sides- the established relationship and the newcomer. The newcomer is happy, but worried. She has a lot of history and establishment she's coming into. She wants to feel welcomed, but doesn't want to get lost or ganged up on.

The established relationship wants to try a new mix, wants to be happy with new people, but is going to have to relearn how to work while maintaining the solidarity that you had before. This isn't just adding a side of fries to your meal, it's adding a new person to your life. There might also be pressure from other "friends" that this new person is obviously just trying to break you up.

This boils down to being totally honest. What type of poly do you want, a family? friend? lover? will you both be able to have independent relationships? What will you do when someone goes out of town? what about sex? What needs to be kept "special"?

Some of these answers you should have a fairly good grasp of before you go out looking and others will simply come in time and experience. Your answers might also change over time.

What does this have to do with jealousy? 70-80% of all jealousy comes from not knowing and not being secure in the relationship you have. This is eliminated by clear communication, clear intent and clear expectations.

Next- EXPECT jealousy. EXPECT that your strong world will sometimes fall apart and you will feel lonely, rejected and as if something else is taking it away from you. Once you realize that it's GOING to happen, you can stop wasting time geeling guilty about experiencing it. Communicate it of course, but remember that (given that everyone is being a mature adult) everyone is working towards a fulfilling relationship for everyone.

Sort out priorities. Poly relationships are ALL about deciding what is priority, when and how. The better your sort them out, the more you can understand how everyone else has to sort them out, but the better you can deal with an immediate situation. Take the time to figure out your jealousy at the moment, and then figure how it fits into the long term picture- tomorrow? next week? a year? Sometimes it's best to just let it go. Sometimes its best to talk it out (you talk a LOT in the beginning and then you keep talking a LOT throughout).

Remember that everyone in their own way is dealing with the same issues you are- trying to work together. We all have lives, we all have our sensitivies, our losses, our responses, our illusions, our condemnation, our celebrations and more. Fitting them together into a whole is never smooth. But, if it is truly how everyone will feel fulfilled, and if it is a good balance between everyone, it can work, and work very happily.

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RE: Jealousy issues - 11/23/2005 5:15:11 PM

shylittleheart

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LuckyAlbatross very well said. Jealousy is such an issue in relationships, I wonder how many Doms out there are jealous of their subs or slaves when involved in a poly relationship, or do they just have it one sided, female only? Just curious there...........
shy

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RE: Jealousy issues - 11/23/2005 5:19:29 PM

Sensualips

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I like your many references to talking to your master and like that you are acknowledging your feelings and not being critical of yourself for having them. I also admire your commitment to trying to conquer these feelings (physically, mentally, and I assume eventually emotionally.)

I have always felt that some people are just predisposed for poly the same way you are for bisexuality/gay/lesbian tendencies or submissive/dominant or bdsm or whatever. I have also felt some of it is learned behavior. Generally speaking I believe that efforts to overcome strong anti-poly feelings for the sake of obedience or fear of loss were inevitably doomed in the long term. Of course, I am wrong fairly frequently too. :) I find it interesting you cite wanting to conquer this because you "hate feeling this way." That seems to me to be a healthy, strong internal motivator.

You'll have to keep us updated.

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RE: Jealousy issues - 11/23/2005 5:39:42 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

ORIGINAL: shylittleheart

LuckyAlbatross very well said. Jealousy is such an issue in relationships, I wonder how many Doms out there are jealous of their subs or slaves when involved in a poly relationship, or do they just have it one sided, female only? Just curious there...........
shy

Dominants do get jealous. Remember, people in MONOGAMOUS relationships get jealous all the time as well.

However, dominants do have the advantage of having a lot more authority and leeway when it comes to developing relationships with new partners.

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RE: Jealousy issues - 11/23/2005 6:31:35 PM

RiotGirl

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quote:

Actually Riot I think this is the deepest, most introspective and growthful post I've ever seen from you. It rocks.

Heh, thanks. i tend to um think alot, but i dont share alot as i can actually be pretty shy. Go figure. As for growth, well you know theres alot of things that go on that arent the prettiest, mainly inside of my head. LOL I tend to try and work out everything, in my own way, in my own time. Though i dont speak of it. One of the reasons i posted this, is because i have a good friend who also goes through alot of this same stuff. Oddly as it may sound, i keep trying to help her deal with it. Help her work through it. And i thought, well maybe others could benefit?

quote:

I don't think your gameplan is wrong...I certainly see nothing wrong with finding hot pussy for your dom to enjoy!

heh, He doesnt find anything wrong with it either! (which of course i checked!) Personally, i think he might be abit concerned about me with it, so he's staying out of it. As in where it goes and all that. i think its a good step forward actually.

quote:

However- to try and think that this will help prepare you for a polyamorous relationship is not really the way it works. As I'm sure you've experienced in your own life- fucking dudes is a completely different endeavor and requires completely different skills than having a life commitment to a dude.

No, honestly i dont think it'll help "prepare" me. but i think it helps get me accostumed to the idea of sharing him. i think it helps get me accustomed to seeing him with others, engaging in things with others that i dont usually see. Really, its just a step towards the goal. Although i think my goal is abit far off, i still need to be taking steps in that direction. i think in any goal you invest yourself in, there are steps you take. Alot of the steps towards this goal, is getting your head around the idea. Figuring out ways to defeat the negative voices in your head. Looking into yourself. Which of course i have. Finding the source of the insecurity :p Which i have. Though as i do know WHY i get so insecure, i have yet to figure out how to conquer it, though i keep trying.

As for sleeping with guys, i agree it takes different skills. Which if you can believe it is just another side to the goal. As i personally have ISSUES with being with other guys. Though that is also being worked towards. Hence Master throwing me into the middle of an orgy (with good friends), shutting the door, and leaving me. Heh, it wasnt such a terrible thing after all!

quote:

I understand where you're going here. I think it's great that you are taking control of this and not simply letting it override you. I also don't think getting cumsluts could HURT your growth in this way, as long as you pick stable happy ones and not psycho sluts.

No i know, no loons. Heh, but like i told a friend who is helping me its not always the easiest thing (nor does it work) to go up girls and say "Hey, you're pretty wanna have sex with my man?" heehehehehehe

quote:

If you want, I have a whole essay on dealing with jealous in poly relationships that I'd be happy to share. Also, read The Ethical Slut!

Read your essay, havent ever read the ethical slut. i'm not really into school books persay, i have a hard time focusing and pick up on what i'm trying to learn. For me it is always trial and error as i've been told before, i am one of those that has to learn the hard way. = ) i'm also soooooooo not there when it really comes to having other people in our relationship. Though i try, i still get a tidal wave of things rolling through me.

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RE: Jealousy issues - 11/24/2005 3:05:38 PM

jamesthehumanrug

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dear riot
greetings
i dont know if youre a bottom or top
in this jelousey issue...if he did sit next to her and put his arm around her if i were the slave im supposed to cream.cucold i think its called.,but cream anyway,to the tops other preferance;or being the least of all ;knowing your place.
how old are you ?
you get off ,by the top being mutiltiply satsified.
confinement to being an object can solve this
but the famous text book, by ,nancy friday called jeolusey(cant spell it cause i dont know what it is)
is used in abnormal grad psych
it states only 2 reasons ,for jelousey are :
competition and envy ,
so which is it,
and, for gaudsake how did that happen

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RE: Jealousy issues - 11/24/2005 3:16:42 PM

fyreredsub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl

my first progress was telling Master "i dont mind you sleeping with some one, just kick them out the door when you're done"

thanks for sharing this-i love it

i will continue to keep reading some these thoughts in dealing w/ jealousy.

i know when i am confident in the relationship, i dont get jealous. i know where my place is and that i am valued.

but eaons ago before i had strong self-esteem/self-worth, i was one territorial biatch, of course this was in my 'nilla life' its much more acceptable there.

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RE: Jealousy issues - 11/24/2005 6:22:07 PM

Isara

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What a wonderful and articulate post my dear. I've been there, with the jealousy issues, but they stemmed from cheating, and what can only be called a lack of communication. I really do wish you and your Master the very best of luck, and can only offer my advice when it comes to communication.

Talk, about feelings, about problems, and never forget to talk about what's working, because, well, it'll help IMO. :)

Jealousy is natural for many of us, if my boy was playing with another? I don't really mind, as long as my insecurities are recognised, I need to be reminded I'm loved, and appreciated, as either a Mistress or as an equal.

And that's probably got just as much to do with my status as a woman as it's got to do with anything else.

Again, the best of luck to you and your Master :)

I'll be watching for more of your posts with baited breath.

Isara.

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"I can't -- not just like that. I'm a complicated person, you see, Aunty... Sometimes I'm nice, and sometimes I'm nasty -- hee hee!...and sometimes I just like to sing little songs, like: "See the little goblin, see his little-- " Edmond Blackadder

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RE: Jealousy issues - 11/24/2005 6:57:51 PM

realophelia

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quote:

So okay, i'm not a very poly person. Master is a poly person. i think thats well established.

I am in a similar situation. I am friendly with my Master's wife and do enjoy doing things with the two of them but like our alone time better. I get very jealous at times and there isn't much I can do about it except talk about it. He usually reassures me that I am more important than I feel and it does help. Whether or not the undercurrent of envy will ever go away completely is anybody's guess. But there are times I feel that it might not. I wrote a poem on that recently. I'll include it below. Ophelia

Late at night
It all mixes up together
Love and bitterness
Loss and comfort
Faith and jealousy
Always jealousy
And tangled sheets
And ceaseless rain
And the Chinese lanterns
That are my nightlight
And both of us knowing
Already knowing
These contradictions
This grief
Will not be quarantined
Or divided
Or starved.

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"And every one of them words rang true And glowed like burning coal Pouring off of every page Like it was written in my soul..."

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RE: Jealousy issues - 11/26/2005 8:40:20 AM

SexyCurves

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quote:

No i know, no loons. Heh, but like i told a friend who is helping me its not always the easiest thing (nor does it work) to go up girls and say "Hey, you're pretty wanna have sex with my man?" heehehehehehe

Actually, that might work on someone like me.... :) Yum!

This is my first post here so I hope you don't mind if I jump in. I have been in a few different poly relationships... in my first, my Master had several other slaves and at various times would deliberately play us against each other. (Yes, he is an EX. LOL) Predictably, I'd sometimes get irrationally insecure and then, jealous. Foot-stomping, door-slamming, crying jealous.

I've since come to believe that at least for me, this had to do with always feeling like I was standing on a path of eggshells, waiting for them to break. I never really felt totally safe with him. He was kind of unpredictable and would sometimes punish me for things I didn't understand, or get angry at me for things he never had before. The rules were always changing.

Now, I'm in a relationship with a man where things are so different it's like night and day. I have no doubts whatsoever about his love for me or where I stand with him and I very, very rarely get jealous of any poly situations.... but then it's a different context, we don't have any other permanent partners, just play with people on occassion. The only time I've ever felt jealous was when I felt threatened, by a woman new to poly who really thought she could take him away from me.

I guess my summation of all of this is that for me at least, I have to feel totally safe and secure in my relationship before I can really accept being poly. I actually *love* watching my Master with other women, when I know those women understand the boundaries of what is happening and have no desire to mess with our relationship. Which is 99% of the time. (There's only been that one time, with that one crazy chick, where it was different.)

To me it's much more about feeling unthreatened. When I was in the relationship where I was less secure, I was jealous much much more often. That horrible horrible pain in your chest where you feel like you can't quite breathe, kind of feeling like you're always on the border of being rejected. Sometimes that threatened feeling comes from your own head and your own self (lots of times for me it was part that, part other things), sometimes it comes from other sources. But to me that is what has to go away before being poly becomes second nature.

I hope you don't mind my adding my two cents... :)

Best,
Tamara

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RE: Jealousy issues - 11/26/2005 10:48:03 AM

Rendclaw

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It's all in how you deal with it. Being poly I have been on both sides of that coin; being subjected to another's jealousy and being jealous myself. When I feel those emotions bubbling up, I have to stop whatever I am doing and apply logic to the situation, in that if I am going to be a polyamorous Dominant, the submissives I am involved with have the choice of what they wish to do. I don't force them to remain devoted to me, that's a choice that is and should be made of their own free will.

When its coming from another, I take the time to tell her that she is very special in my life, and she is not going to be kicked to the curb by me unless her behavior dictates that choice. Positive reinforcement, but also letting her know that negative behavior will only be tolerated to a certain point.

The thing that kills me is when I get involved with someone that knows exactly what I am about and seemingly accepts it, only a short time later to run away, because I am "neglecting" her. That usually comes around because I'm not spending time with her when she wants. I might have something else planned that day, or I just want to take the day to rest. Jealousy rears its ugly head then, and it plants the seed of doubt. It can be so predictable at times, and very discouraging.

RiotGirl, you're taking positive steps forward. Keep it going.

Tamara, you're right on point, and I feel for you in that relationship where you didn't know what to expect. One of the things a Dominant should be is consistent. Inconsistency will lead to a lonely existence, because not many self-respecting submissives are going to tolerate that for very long.

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If you want to know, then ask. If you to want to heal, then speak. If you want to learn, then listen. If you want to submit, then surrender. If you truly want to love, then you must do all four.

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