How is this supposed to work?

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How is this supposed to work? - 6/12/2005 10:08:55 AM

DizzyLizzy2

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I am just heart sick.

Let me explain. From the very beginning, my Master told me he was not a monogamous man. I have no problem with poly. I have seen it work and it is wonderful when it does. I have been active in poly support groups over the years. My master an I have talked about poly for month now. My understanding was that he and I would get established and then another would be added.

Two weeks ago, he told me of my sisters. I was shell shocked. I asked, my sisters? He said yes, there were two other women he has been talking to and formulating his plans for the future with and that we would at some point be sisters. It was if he had punched me in the stomach. As I have always been of the idea that poly relationships develop, this has me quite unsettled. One of the women, he has known and had an on again off again relationship for almost 20 years.

I know there is great debate over the primary/secondary or everyone is equal, but with one having a 20 year history with him, there really is no way for equality among sisters. I am also sure that part of my upset comes from the romantic ideals I had about the relationship. I envisioned my Master and I would some together and when our relationship was strong and secure, another or two would be added.

It is hard to explain, but now, instead of anticipation of his homecoming, I have a sickness in my gut, my throat tightens and I cry...rivers.

I really could use some thoughts from others on this.

Liz

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RE: How is this supposed to work? - 6/12/2005 10:28:34 AM

EmeraldSlave2

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Well, the Owner has lived with his primary for over a decade. While true we will never be what their relationship is...I don't want it to be. I need to form my own unique relationship with him. This is HARD, poly is HARD, it's hard to form a new relationship while you simultaneously watch this immensly evolved stable relationshpi at the same time.

But it sounds like there were serious crossed wired and lack of communication and expectations. Sit everyone down and hash it out.

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RE: How is this supposed to work? - 6/12/2005 10:57:04 AM

pygmalionsub

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Joined: 5/21/2005
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I am not in a poly myself, but at one point my husband mentioned bringing another women into the mix. Not a poly, but just a girl for threesomes and occasional play etc. At first I was all for it, I thought I could handle it. But once it actually came to it, i just couldn't do it. Sometimes reality just never measures up to the fantasy. You have to do what right for you. Listen to your gut feelings, and have an honest discussion with your Master.

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RE: How is this supposed to work? - 6/18/2005 6:19:57 AM

Manawyddan

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Joined: 1/2/2005
From: Petaluma (Northern California)
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I agree with the above. In addition, this man has not been honest with you about the nature of your relationship, and that is a poor way to initiate anything poly (or, for that matter, mono).

You have every right to be upset. It's time to force some answers from him about exactly how he perceives your role in this poly network, and then you can make a decision about whether it's something you want.

I'm sorry you were hurt that way. Good luck.

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RE: How is this supposed to work? - 6/21/2005 3:59:56 AM

MasterArn

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perhaps a moment of insight.......
in my experience, "poly" was all parties being involved with all parties.
perhaps. just PERHAPS this isnt what the Master/Dom/Owner intended.
perhaps instead he intended a Harem; inwhereas he would devote equal amounts of time to each "Sister" involved in the interaction...
...perhaps...

Respectfully,
MasterArn

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RE: How is this supposed to work? - 6/21/2005 7:53:15 AM

DominaBea

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Lizzy

you have a far greater problem to contemplate than whether or not you and your new found sisters will get along.. or even the question of 'placement'

Why are you not first looking at the fact that you are willing to place yourself into the ownership of a man who was not up front with you . Would he have found it accptable for you to hide something that important from him?

Why is it ok with you for him to have betrayed a very elemental trust in this sort of relatioinship... it is fundamental..

Your real problem here is not poly.. it is the problem of deceit, and the problme of major foundation flaw in your relationship... are you really going to get yourself committed to this before you have these things resolved?

I think it would be incredibly foolish

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RE: How is this supposed to work? - 6/22/2005 5:41:32 AM

FuriousAngel

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I generally stay away from posting in the poly forum but I'm going to make an exception because this thread reached out to me. I was once in a situation such as yours, that though unfolded differently, holds the same elements you speak of. I am in strong agreement with DominaBea. Your problem delves much deeper than the poly dynamic. This is about deceit. This is about your life!

I know everyone is different but for me, all that he represented as a 'Master' was shattered in that instant so I did not even need to seek advice. It was not about walking from a D/s relationship. In that moment I found out he became a person I needed to get away from fast. If you are not prepared to terminate the relationship, at least please give careful consideration to your next steps with this person.

Even in the darkest moments where the pain consumed me after leaving I never once regretted my decision to walk. Once the sadness lifts, you will look back and see it through clear eyes and know, all over again that you did the right thing for you! I promise DizzyLizzy, it won't hurt forever.

Take it from someone who's been there. I'm genuinely sorry for your position.

< Message edited by FuriousAngel -- 6/22/2005 5:48:28 AM >

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RE: How is this supposed to work? - 6/22/2005 7:48:20 AM

allybear

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Take out the aspect of him being a Master. If anyone you had a serious relationship with kept important information from you, how would you feel?

Betrayed? Angry? Hurt?

You're allowed to have those feelings. In my opinion, your Master breached your trust by not sharing information about these other women especially if he expected you to be involved. Poly doesn't work without communication. Neither does any good relationship.

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RE: How is this supposed to work? - 6/24/2005 12:54:06 AM

DizzyLizzy2

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I appreciate everyone who has responded and for your care and concern. I posted this before I spoke to my Master and that was the most wrong thing I could have ever done. He was really wonderful. He was not please I was upset and we talked in depth and for quite some length of time. He listened to me. He heard my hurt, my misgivings and my confusion. He again walked me through, step by step, what he was about, what he wanted and what he expected from one who gives themself to him to be his slave. He at no time ever intended to mislead or hurt me. No, things did not happen the way I had envisioned they would or over the time period I thought was appropriate...silly me...those things are not of my choosing. I gave myself to him, I trust him and yet, I was still trying to do things my way. I am learning...it is a long, slow, painful process.

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RE: How is this supposed to work? - 6/24/2005 2:15:01 AM

angelbear

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a very slow process indeed sis. i applaud your growth and know that the lifestyle that is before us will be a much easier one because of the closeness we have achieved.

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RE: How is this supposed to work? - 6/28/2005 9:12:05 PM

SubBlue

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DizzyLizzy2

I appreciate everyone who has responded and for your care and concern. I posted this before I spoke to my Master and that was the most wrong thing I could have ever done. He was really wonderful. He was not please I was upset and we talked in depth and for quite some length of time. He listened to me. He heard my hurt, my misgivings and my confusion. He again walked me through, step by step, what he was about, what he wanted and what he expected from one who gives themself to him to be his slave. He at no time ever intended to mislead or hurt me. No, things did not happen the way I had envisioned they would or over the time period I thought was appropriate...silly me...those things are not of my choosing. I gave myself to him, I trust him and yet, I was still trying to do things my way. I am learning...it is a long, slow, painful process.

Wow. That took some strength.
Congratulations in overcoming it, so far.

I can't help but to think, because of the way you had worded your last few sentences that you are a little bit bitter about the situation ... and sound like you still need some time to truely accept His decision.
Though you have given yourself to Him, and you trust Him ... a relationship is a relationship may it be vanilla or slave.
Speak up when you need to, not only does your Master have to be patient with you ... but you cannot grow as a slave and triumph each hardship properly without dealing with the "problem" thoroughly.

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RE: How is this supposed to work? - 6/29/2005 1:42:41 AM

Akinta

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Joined: 8/16/2004
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The last few lines sounded more like she was blaming herself for not knowing well enough or acting properly. Honestly, don't be upset with yourself. It sounded to me like you had some ideas about the relationship, and he changed over time. People do change. Or perhaps you had misunderstood.. which happens often, too. Either way, you end up feeling as if you've done some wrong.. and you want a reason to justify the tears.

I think you've done well enough to get to where you are now and to keep walking. Don't give up on your dreams, keep moving forward and keep a positive attitude. Things like that will win you a new Master soon enough.

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