MistressKiss
Posts: 296
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
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I am going to open my response to this with a disclaimer. I am new to the Dominant journey with respect to the BDSM lifestyle. Because I am searching, these thoughts may be a bit random and not line up exactly with what others may perceive a Dominant female should or should not be. I ask your patience as I try to answer this question from my own perspective as a person who is exploring.
In my vanilla life prior to being introduced to the BDSM lifestyle, I was a very dominant female in the sexual sense. However, I now realize that a lot of the dominance I expressed was intentional and meant to "hurt" my partner in some way. Having had a few disappointing relationships, I believe that at the time, I was hurting people who hurt me, by hurting others - emotionally. I did not physically hurt anyone and back then, there was no lifestyle play, even. I would begin a seduction by being a very loving person, and would switch midstream to a cold, demanding bitch. My pleasure was in seeing the shock on the men's face and then their inability to recover quickly enough, which resulting in them doing just about whatever I wanted them to. I took great pleasure in leaving them after sex. I did it quickly and emotionlessly, and nothing was more exciting to me than driving away from someone who would have preferred me to stay the night. This was not a good approach because of the pain it caused - that I was getting off on. It was unhealthy, and I knew this. When I stopped, I was celebate for three years.
Then I got married and used a little of these old "skills" in my first marriage. We divorced after ten years, and toward the end, I actually used a strap-on on him, and found several other ways to humiliate him. I left shortly after that and I don't discount the fact that perhaps the sexual acting out that I did influenced the speed of my departure.
Then after playing around online, I met a Dominant and began to explore submission. I took to it very quickly. He was skilled at what he did and I loved giving up the responsibility and letting go, in a sexual manner. Where I had gotton my rocks off before by causing emotional pain, I now got off experiencing physical pain - it was as if I was being "rightfully punished" for all of my wrongdoing (grins). I loved it...I still do love it.
My reversion to expressing dominance is mostly a desire to go back to my original sexual behavior, but looking at it from a different point of view...from a healthier point of view. I want to explore this, meshing the two "parts" of myself into one. I want to give a submissive the release of responsibility and the release of emotional stress, as it was given me...but I don't want to give up my submission entirely.
From another viewpoint...I have been disheartened because I have experienced hurt in the lifestyle...just as every person here has, I am sure. I have not found a Dominant who has been in control of himself enough that I could relax in his care of me as well. I believe it was Doc that brought up something I have also mentioned several times on this site. You cannot be a Master until you master your own life. In some ways, I feel "forced" into dominance as a form of self-protection. I don't need anyone to tell me that this is not the optimal way to view it - I agree. However, it is one of the facts that has influenced my decisions.
We'll see what this year brings and where my mindset lies at the end of this journey.
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"I assure you, Your Honor, I don't have to practice...I'm very good at them..."
(The Marquis de Sade at one of his trials for the sexual perversities he practiced)
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