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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Friends with your ex, a problem?

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Friends with your ex, a problem? - 5/10/2004 10:24:18 PM

rain

Posts: 319
Joined: 4/13/2004
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Hello there,

Is anyone out there friends with an ex? Does it affect or impact your current relationship? If so, how? (for better or for worse?)

Curious,

~rain~

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Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today. - James Dean

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RE: Friends with your ex, a problem? - 5/11/2004 12:13:24 AM

schiava

Posts: 16
Joined: 4/25/2004
Status: offline

*smiles* this slave is best friends with her Ex.... and will always be; she would have it no other way as He taught her much and will always be a huge part of her life. As for affecting a current relationship, this slave cannot say as she's not there yet.. though she's talked to a Few and None have had a problem such. Best wishes to you and good luck.
~schiava

(in reply to rain)

Post #: 2

RE: Friends with your ex, a problem? - 5/11/2004 3:28:23 AM

MizSuz

Posts: 1416
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Hi Rain:

Yep, I'm friends with a number of my ex's. Not all of them, as one or two I'm happy to not be involved with anymore, but most of my ex's I am friends with.

Nope, it hasn't effected any subsequent relationships. If it did I'd have to wonder about the caliber of the relationship it was effecting. People who have touched me in one way or another are important to me, that should be important to anyone I'm with. If it's not important to them, then we probably are not a match anyway.

_____________________________

Suz

In honor of the impending ski season: If you're not livin' on the edge you're takin' up too much space!

(in reply to rain)

Post #: 3

RE: Friends with your ex, a problem? - 5/11/2004 6:04:52 AM

lacesundone

Posts: 12
Joined: 4/27/2004
Status: offline

after a period of time has elapsed, it is easier to become friends. i do rely on one of my previous Doms for advice on current things, however i take His advice with a grain of salt, because He doesn't always give the best! It is nice, thought, to know that He cares. The most recent breakup is still to painful to even think of being friends. perhaps one day......
laces

(in reply to MizSuz)

Post #: 4

RE: Friends with your ex, a problem? - 5/11/2004 8:51:42 AM

rain

Posts: 319
Joined: 4/13/2004
Status: offline

MizSuz,

i'm in agreement with you on this. i guess it depends on several variables: was the previous relationship a healthy one, (not co-dependant or abusive) and the amount of self esteem one has.

The reason i brought it up is b/c i've had both friends and boyfriends debate the benefit of me being friends with an ex, (who, i should mention, is gay). In my case, i think it is both healthy and beneficial for me, and i think that it has required great maturity on my part to maintain a friendship with him.

Everyone's entitled to their opinion however.

Thanks,

~rain~

_____________________________

Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today. - James Dean

(in reply to MizSuz)

Post #: 5

RE: Friends with your ex, a problem? - 5/11/2004 9:49:00 AM

proudsub

Posts: 3896
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

Yep, I'm friends with a number of my ex's.

Just curious MizSuz--how many ex's do you have?

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

(in reply to MizSuz)

Post #: 6

RE: Friends with your ex, a problem? - 5/11/2004 11:58:14 AM

feline

Posts: 804
Joined: 2/23/2004
From: GA
Status: offline

quote:

Yep, I'm friends with a number of my ex's. Not all of them, as one or two I'm happy to not be involved with anymore, but most of my ex's I am friends with.

Nope, it hasn't effected any subsequent relationships. If it did I'd have to wonder about the caliber of the relationship it was effecting. People who have touched me in one way or another are important to me, that should be important to anyone I'm with. If it's not important to them, then we probably are not a match anyway.

i would have to agree with you as well.

With every relationship, i have learned something. Even with the bad ones. i still keep in contact with most. In fact since i moved, i speak to my past Master often. It has never been a problem. And i don't see were it should ever be.

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Variety is the soul of pleasure.
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Property of Master Anthony

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Post #: 7

RE: Friends with your ex, a problem? - 5/11/2004 12:15:09 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 3834
Joined: 1/1/2004
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I only have two ex's in life. The first one, even though we don't see each other for month's on end. Everytime we do see each other its like a breath of fresh air. Sort of like someone you don't have to talk to and they know how you are feeling?
We're the best of friends even though we haven't seen each other in a year.

The second ex is my old Dom. Yep, we are friends. Neither one of us has any regrets about anything we did or anything that happened. I learned a lot. Perhaps too much in certain areas.
We really don't talk a lot. He is still very special to me in my heart. If I saw him on the street it would not be uncomfortable at all.

_____________________________

"The dumbest people I know are those who know it all."

Malcolm Forbes

(in reply to rain)

Post #: 8

RE: Friends with your ex, a problem? - 5/11/2004 1:23:23 PM

proudsub

Posts: 3896
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From: Washington
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Maybe i was confused, are we talking about ex-Doms/Dommes? or ex-spouses? or both?

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proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

(in reply to rain)

Post #: 9

RE: Friends with your ex, a problem? - 5/11/2004 3:03:58 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 3834
Joined: 1/1/2004
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I was referring to ex Doms..and one vanilla guy. That's all I've had for a point of reference is one of each.
Not sure which one exactly Rain was referring to but..hey I'm covered either way...hehe

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"The dumbest people I know are those who know it all."

Malcolm Forbes

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 10

RE: Friends with your ex, a problem? - 5/11/2004 5:21:01 PM

MizSuz

Posts: 1416
Joined: 1/1/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: rain

The reason i brought it up is b/c i've had both friends and boyfriends debate the benefit of me being friends with an ex, (who, i should mention, is gay). In my case, i think it is both healthy and beneficial for me, and i think that it has required great maturity on my part to maintain a friendship with him.

rain:

haha ya know, debate can be fun...sometimes.

I do believe that the way you see it is what's important. Does it "add value" to your life? If so, then it's a good thing. I hear you saying it does, so it must be good.

Of course you have to realize that some people stay until they hate the other person...or they are prone to holding on to discontent anyway. Those are people who would probably argue against the notion of remaining friends with an ex (I agree with the person who said after a suitable amount of time has passed), but those people really don't have your sort of experience to draw from because they CANT. So it's not a part of their reality.

Folks are welcome to do it that way if they want, but for me I'd rather remain positively connected whenever possible. It "adds value" to my life...and so it would seem yours. <smile>

_____________________________

Suz

In honor of the impending ski season: If you're not livin' on the edge you're takin' up too much space!

(in reply to rain)

Post #: 11

RE: Friends with your ex, a problem? - 5/11/2004 5:35:28 PM

MizSuz

Posts: 1416
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: proudsub

Just curious MizSuz--how many ex's do you have?

I'd be happy to answer that, but I need you to define ex. Spouse? Sub? Slave? Fuck buddy? Intimate friend? Does it count if you were together but not sexual? Do you have to have cohabited for it to have been 'valid'? The lines defining my relationships tend to be blurry by default. I like it that way but it can make discussions about it difficult.

I'm 41 years old, I had my son when I was 16. I've always lived a rather full life, although I do intentionally remain single for long periods of time. I also remain celibate for fairly long periods of time (unless you count jilling-off).

<grin> I also go through periods in which I am inordinately sexually active. But that's a different discussion....

_____________________________

Suz

In honor of the impending ski season: If you're not livin' on the edge you're takin' up too much space!

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 12

RE: Friends with your ex, a problem? - 5/11/2004 8:16:36 PM

proudsub

Posts: 3896
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

I'd be happy to answer that, but I need you to define ex. Spouse? Sub? Slave? Fuck buddy? Intimate friend? Does it count if you were together but not sexual?

When i first read the original post i was thinking in terms of spouses, that's why i asked how many ex's, because it sounded like you had a lot. But if it refers to partners then that's very understandable.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

(in reply to MizSuz)

Post #: 13

RE: Friends with your ex, a problem? - 5/11/2004 9:24:32 PM

rain

Posts: 319
Joined: 4/13/2004
Status: offline

proudsub,

i was referring to ex-partners; whether husbands, boyfriends, girlfriends, Dom's, etc....

In my particular case, i was speaking of a past vanilla boyfriend, and my current Dom.

~rain~

_____________________________

Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today. - James Dean

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 14

RE: Friends with your ex, a problem? - 5/12/2004 4:19:03 AM

MizSuz

Posts: 1416
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: proudsub

When i first read the original post i was thinking in terms of spouses, that's why i asked how many ex's, because it sounded like you had a lot. But if it refers to partners then that's very understandable.

I've been married three times. Three years, six months, and about 17 years although we did not live together for about 8 of those years.

I still speak to the first one, although I can't say we are close - he is my son's biological father. I haven't spoken with the second one since the divorce. The third one is one of my best friends.

The first two occurred and ended before I was 21.

_____________________________

Suz

In honor of the impending ski season: If you're not livin' on the edge you're takin' up too much space!

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 15

RE: Friends with your ex, a problem? - 5/14/2004 2:13:47 AM

kirameaMW

Posts: 18
Joined: 4/30/2004
Status: offline

i've been married three times, and i'm on good terms with all of them except for the second one. The second one i was on very good terms with until my children started telling me things that have happened while in his care. You can screw me, but don't screw with my children.

As for my current husband...... we're still VERY good friends though we aren't living with together. In fact, he is raising my two youngest children (his step-children) after their father couldn't cope with them anymore. my youngest has Asperger's (autism), and does not deal with unfamiliar things at all, and where my husband lives is where they were raised. He was overjoyed when i asked him if they could move there. They also came up to visit over Christmas, and had a blast. Master was finally able to meet my children (He had already met my husband), and it was a joy seeing Him with them.

Just because you can't live with them, doesn't mean you have to hate them. Luckily, i've ended my relationships before it came to that.

(in reply to MizSuz)

Post #: 16

RE: Friends with your ex, a problem? - 5/14/2004 1:43:36 PM

Hislilkoah

Posts: 1
Joined: 5/14/2004
From: Erie, Pa
Status: offline

having only been married once before, i have to say, that the ex hubby and i are civial. We are not best friends, but we are not arch enemies. We have three boys to worry about. He has met Master, and is not all that crazy about Him, but as long as i am happy, that is all that matters to him (ex hubby). Now, i do have an ex that i do not have contact with, even though we have a child together, due to the fact that to be around him for 20 minutes, would basically kill my spirit.

(in reply to kirameaMW)

Post #: 17

RE: Friends with your ex, a problem? - 5/14/2004 4:28:17 PM

Sinergy

Posts: 1290
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

My ex-wife once asked me what I wanted from her in a court conciliation meeting and I replied that I wanted her to go away and leave me alone.

This was 4 years ago, and as late as last week I was treated to a number of emails from her proferring unresearched and unasked for advice on what I should do in life. Some people are simply incapable of playing nice on the other side of the sandbox, and leaving other people alone.

I would block her email and phone, but we do occaisionally have to interact for our children.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"Why am I surrounded by fricking idiots?" Dr. Evil

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle, 44th Vice President of the United States

(in reply to Hislilkoah)

Post #: 18

RE: Friends with your ex, a problem? - 5/15/2004 3:25:18 PM

Voltare

Posts: 467
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Santiago, Chile
Status: offline

Having moved across the world, I am not exactly close with any of my old friends, but yes not only have I had wonderful relationships with exs, I would actually be hurt to lose them as friends. I think the myth that you cant stay friends with an ex comes from when one, the other, or both parties involve resort to the sort of childish, namecalling hoo ha that happens with adults throw tantrums. If the break up is amicable, or at least done with as much care and love that went into the relationship in the first place, the friendship can last a very long time.

Stephan

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[GEEK] Me [/GEEK]
"There is always some madness in love, but there is also always some reason in madness" - Nietzsche
[image]http://img2.exs.cx/img2/7251/voltare-death.gif[/image]

(in reply to rain)

Post #: 19

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