Did you start slow -- or dive in?

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Did you start slow -- or dive in?

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Did you start slow -- or dive in? - 10/15/2005 7:19:20 PM

AAkasha

Posts: 960
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

I'm one of those bdsm-types that has sort of had the wiring as far back
as I can remember. Some of my earliest memories involved little bondage
games with the boys in the neighborhood, intense interest in bondage
scenes in movies and tv, and active bondage fantasies in my head long
before I knew of the sexual aspects of it.

That being said, as soon as I started dating, the little bondage
games started. Mostly light bondage (wrist tying, blindfolds, handcuffs)
and roleplaying for at least a few years. Then the toy collection grew,
as did my tastes, and the rest is history.

Now thanks to the Internet, it's a lot different. There's so much information available.

I've read a lot about kinksters that thought about bdsm a long, long time
and did a lot of reading or investigating first. Maybe they had the same
early wiring as I did, but did not dive into it at a young age for
whatever reason. And then others that maybe didn't become aware of the
kink until something triggered it later, or a partner introduced them to it.

What intrigues me is the dynamic of those that start slow vs. those that
do a lot of poking around, and their first steps into bdsm are, as a
result, a lot heavier. Not necessarily in a "more serious toys" way --
but in a sense that both people have a sense of the SM world, limits that
were tested and pondered over and over in fantasy are put right on the
table, etc. --- vs., someone like me, who started out in a relatively
subtle way and grew to this point.

The reason this intrigues me is the learning curve, and the effect that
learning curve has on intimidation of newbies or awkward first scenes. So
often I read about "first scenes" and they are -- in my opinion -- pretty
heavy.

Do those starting out for the first time, as adults who have had longtime
fantasies, ever consider starting with play that is very, very simple? Or
is that just too boring?

I'm looking forward to hearing the varied responses. I'm also curious to
hear if "first time experiences" for those who started with more
complicated scenes were overall successfull -- what role did anxiety
play, was it too overwhelming, etc.

Akasha

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Post #: 1

RE: Did you start slow -- or dive in? - 10/15/2005 7:46:39 PM

HentaiGamerKitty

Posts: 81
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline

I was also one of those who thought about bdsm related things from a very early age. My first lover (also my first husband) was very very religious and not very sexually adventurous but I did get him to play with bondage a bit..tying me up with pantyhose and such. My next serious b/f was extremely interested in bdsm (but not experienced.) We did a lot of light bondage, spanking, setting aside certain nights of the week to play "master/slave" etc. The man after him was not initially interested but I got him into bondage, handcuffing, forced oral, that sort of thing. Then I met the wonderful dominant I'm with now and I feel utterly blessed. He's got 10yrs of experience under his belt and was respected within the bdsm community in his area. Its nice to finally be with someone who knows what he's doing!

So I guess in answer to your question, I certainly TRIED to jump in..my problem was finding partners.

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 2

RE: Did you start slow -- or dive in? - 10/15/2005 7:51:26 PM

JohnWarren

Posts: 1931
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline

I was another who had the fantasies early, but I didn't act on them until I was about 20 when I met two women who introduced me to BDSM play. We got pretty hard, pretty quick, but in my defense there weren't any books or groups and the internet was decades away.

It would have been nice to know then the risks of off the floor hanging or electrical play with current from an outlet.

I know now

_____________________________

----
www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 3

RE: Did you start slow -- or dive in? - 10/15/2005 8:09:59 PM

theRose4U

Posts: 495
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

I was another who had the fantasies early, but I didn't act on them until I was about 20 when I met two women who introduced me to BDSM play. We got pretty hard, pretty quick, but in my defense there weren't any books or groups and the internet was decades away.

Just odd imaiging you as a lil baby Dom John just so VERY disturbing & odd

(in reply to JohnWarren)

Post #: 4

RE: Did you start slow -- or dive in? - 10/15/2005 8:34:10 PM

OscarHargraves

Posts: 616
Joined: 8/9/2005
Status: offline

I guess I'm on the other side. I kind of 'grew' into the BDSM thing. I had a lover who liked to have me hold her down and use her. She even wanted to try some bondage with ropes but that didn't happen until about a year later. Then I met a lady who liked it rough and wanted to be used. She encouraged me to do more and more things and loved to be spanked for breeches of discipline. I really enjoyed the power this gave me and started to actively seek out more things that gave me these feelings. Play rape, anal sex, bondage and TPE all kind of fell into line and came along one at a time. I just didn't realize what all this was until the internet came along and I found out there are lots of others out there that like these things too.

_____________________________

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly!!!

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 5

RE: Did you start slow -- or dive in? - 10/15/2005 8:59:28 PM

anthrosub

Posts: 453
Joined: 6/2/2004
Status: offline

The first part of your post reminds me of the "Diffusion of Innovation" theory I used in college as a way to study the spread of acupuncture in the United States. The theory has since been renamed "Diffusion of Information" which seems more appropriate in this day and age. The theory may sound familiar...basically what are the predicters, similarities, and differences between "early" and "late" adopters.

I guess I would qualify as having been wired from childhood as well. When I was 7 years old, I had an incredibly erotic (I didn't know what the feelings were at the time but still have vivid memories of how they felt) dream where I was Hansel in the "Hansel and Gretel" story. Needless to say, there was plenty of bondage (and a cage) and the witch had me hanging naked by my feet on a hook in the wall. That dream was so intense, I couldn't wait to go to bed the next night and try to have it again. Other experiences followed throughout my childhood.

As far as the intensity question is concerned, I think it has a lot to do with how much a person learns in advance. I think there's a lot you can find out from a strictly informational standpoint so when real time comes, you have some level of foundation. For my own experience, I can draw a parallel to my first sexual experiences. Before my first experience, I knew enough about what was important (emotional sensitivity, the importance of attention on your partner, differences between male and female arousal cycles, touching, and much more) that when I finally did have the experience, my partner had a hard time believing I was a virgin (she was 14 years older).

The same thing has repeated itself in BDSM and I find it problematic this time around. It seems my readiness and enthusiasm can too easily be mistaken for being a "typical male" with nothing but fantasies and sex on his mind. So I would say again, the learning curve is a function of a person's passion for learning in advance about what they are getting into. If they don't have this faculty active, they will "learn as they go" (slowly); otherwise, they will most likely be ready to engage in something heavier right away.

anthrosub

_____________________________

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"There is a great deal of pain in life and perhaps the only pain that can be avoided is the pain that comes from trying to avoid pain." - R. D. Laing

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 6

RE: Did you start slow -- or dive in? - 10/15/2005 9:28:10 PM

Sensualips

Posts: 604
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline

Until recently I have had trouble really identifying myself with the BDSM lifestyle. Oh sure, I had masturbated to rape fantasies since I was twelve. And maybe as a teenager I took great pleasure in teasing the boys (and much older men) to the point of pleading, rewarding them with an orgasm in some creative form. (No actual intercourse -- just a quirk I had.) I married young and my ex and I had done our share of blindfolding, ropes, hot wax, and general rough sex. But I wasn't interested in BDSM...NO! I was just an active gal secure in my own sexuality. Right?

Part of what I learned while testing out the swingers/poly lifestyle was most of the things that arouse me the most are strongly rooted in BDSM. People continually will ask "what are you into" or "what gets you off." When forced to think hard and articulate the answer is generally pretty similar in every situation. At first I thought maybe I didn't KNOW exactly what my kink was because it continually changed based on the situation. Something I loved one day was neutral the next.

Then I saw the constant theme. Control. Specifically the ability to bring a partner to the brink. I feed off of their reactions -- sights/sounds/smells/etc. What I really REALLY like is finding out what he or she is into and using that to create a situation.

Regardless, what gets me off eventually comes down to power play. I had a semi regular partner that loved to bottom and we experimented a bit. Very powerful. In fact, a little too powerful. At that time I wanted a casual relationship and the intensity that the dynamic that was created was too much. The responsibility I felt for him was oppressive.

So I am a top? Maybe. It is just been in the past month or two I have really began to read and discuss BDSM seriously.

I have the opportunity to observe some scenes though. I am fascinated by the reaction of the bottom in some of these. In fact, I think I probably envy it. The level of pleasure they seem to have is beyond my scope of understanding. It is like I am missing a piece of the puzzle. That was when I started considering trying on that role as well. Not only to try and experience it for myself, but also to help me develop my dominant side. It is certainly there, but not fully formed by any means.

I have always loved the feeling of being pinned and overpowered, of having my hair tugged or nails down my back. Other things I have played with have been more neutral and even a struggle. It feels unnnatural to me. I suspect that is because I have major trust issues. I like to drive my own car to any party or gathering "just in case." In case of what? I am not sure exactly. But I barely trust another person to transport me, so trusting them to flog me while bound or shoot me with electricity or wrap their hands around my neck is a real stretch. Vulnerability is not my strong suit, on any level. Emotional, physical, mental, etc.

I think I would qualify as a "slow starter" and that has been consciously calculated over the last few months. It is not yet possible to say where I will end up. Even outside the bdsm arena I have seen that list of "eww, not for me" activities getting shorter and shorter as my expereinces grow.

(in reply to anthrosub)

Post #: 7

RE: Did you start slow -- or dive in? - 10/15/2005 9:30:36 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3610
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

One of the few things I'm just hopeless at is denying who I am.

On my own I dabbled with what I felt innately inspired to do. I was tying myself up at age 5, before I had any conscious conception of sex or sexual pleasure. I started masturbating at 10. For SOME REASON the idea that tying myself up would make masturbating even cooler went together.

I have no idea why. Perhaps it is why to this day bondage can be sexual or non-sexual for me.

Once I found out about "the scene" however, I was off and running.

In my relationships I tend to be slow to warm up, specially now that I have a big full plate o'boys and longer term issues to contend with, but fast and furious once things get going.

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 8

RE: Did you start slow -- or dive in? - 10/15/2005 9:36:15 PM

JohnWarren

Posts: 1931
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U

quote:

I was another who had the fantasies early, but I didn't act on them until I was about 20 when I met two women who introduced me to BDSM play. We got pretty hard, pretty quick, but in my defense there weren't any books or groups and the internet was decades away.

Just odd imaiging you as a lil baby Dom John just so VERY disturbing & odd

Oh, I don't mind admitting that I was a "baby dom." Sometimes the desires I had just terrified me... and what terrified me even more was that I could convince women to "let me" do what I wanted. The Secretary was pretty much on mark as far as my reactions went.

I write a bit about this on the site in the transcript of a keynote address I did a few years back.

Fortunately, "the pressure" was greater than "the fear" and now I'm a skilled, confident "evil bastard."

_____________________________

----
www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to theRose4U)

Post #: 9

RE: Did you start slow -- or dive in? - 10/15/2005 9:37:12 PM

Sensualips

Posts: 604
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline

Edited

< Message edited by Sensualips -- 10/15/2005 9:39:05 PM >

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 10

RE: Did you start slow -- or dive in? - 10/15/2005 10:49:39 PM

RiotGirl

Posts: 1752
Status: offline

i was writing stories about kids getting whipped at ten. Dont remember much from childhood though, so i'm short on anything else.

Though when i did find out about BDSM at 17, i sorta dove in. i was too young for clubs and scenes, so i stuck mostly to the net. Pretty much gathering all the info i could and meeting ppl through the net. i turned 18 on Wendsday and on friday i was at my first BDSM clulb, with a friend i had met via the web. my first Mentor. First scene was in a club. Back then i didnt know anxiety and it was rocking. i pretty much attended all the clubs i could at 18, meeting ppl left and right, joining in club scenes left and right. Unfortunetly things went down hill. Had a friend that was a Dom, that i agreed to scene with, but something felt"wrong" so half way through the scene while he was taking a nap because of a head ache i took off. LOL Then a guy i got involved with wasnt Dominant, but turned out submissive. Then through a friend unrelated to the scene i met my great nemsis who ended up being controlling, abusive, and down right evil. i lost my taste for the scene. i couldnt see "dominating" as NOT abusive.

i spent a few years vanilla, completely ignoring BDSM. At 22 i tried again. Finding more Doms that werent Doms. Spent a couple of months "talking and meeting" one Dom. i ended up pretty disapointed. Walked away again. Thinking it just wouldnt happen.

So at 24, i decided that i wasnt going to walk away. i was going to find some one. So i buckled down. Met one Dom that was okay until he kept hitting the wrong buttons with me. things didnt work out but we stayed friends. Met another Dom off of this site and things were just waaaaaaaaaaaay wrong. One of those i'm leaving, but not until the troops arrive to escort me to safety. Spoke to TONS of Doms all over. Finally met MY Dom. First impression good. The guy seemed to have a clue. He actually seemed to be REALLY Dominant.

And yes, first scene was full of anxiety and nervousness. Even though i had years of reading, years of being involved in the scene, even if it was mostly side line involvment. Mostly it was knowing i had met my "match" and i was with some one that knew more then me. And it rocked.

_____________________________

"Someone's got to love the stupid ppl, but it sure isnt going to be me"

(in reply to Sensualips)

Post #: 11

RE: Did you start slow -- or dive in? - 10/15/2005 11:18:01 PM

MasterBenedict

Posts: 231
Joined: 1/25/2005
From: AnTir
Status: offline

I guess I dove in... My usual approaches never seemed to work, and then I learned about the whole BDSM scene & VOILA!

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If you can LAUGH at it you can live WITH it!

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 12

RE: Did you start slow -- or dive in? - 10/16/2005 12:16:10 AM

Kasia

Posts: 442
Joined: 6/25/2005
From: The Coast of Adria
Status: offline

I am at the point of just starting. Someone might ask me what the hell did I do all my life when I just start to get interested at the age of 41 - but I sort of occupied myself with other things like raising children and saving one lousy marriage, stuff like that. There were times I didnt even realise I was a human being with needs of my own.

Since I settled all those matters in my life, 4 years ago, I started to explore. And I really wanted to catch up with all the things I feel I was missing.
Along the way I found my second husband, man who is already familiar with his kinks but willing to add some more for my sake. I have his support for all I want to do, its only that he is not experienced in bdsm any more than I am.

I became one happy swinger, voyeur, active bisexual..... and I am interested to become happy bdsmer as well. But I am still at the point of reading, finding out and establishing codes of my own. And I am not finding many people who would want to help me try something more.
I do know what interest me and I do know what I want (at least in general). I hope details and practice will come in time. I am in no rush and I dont believe things go well if you rush them.

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Kassia

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 13

RE: Did you start slow -- or dive in? - 10/16/2005 1:06:29 AM

domtimothy46176

Posts: 636
Joined: 12/25/2004
From: Central Indiana
Status: offline

Looking back, my first fantasy was stripping down a classmate and tying her to a tree. I had no idea what I would do with her after I had her tied up but in my fantasy she was even more beautiful naked and bound. I was in third grade, lol.
By the time I reached HS, I had discovered that it was possible to get some people to do anything I wanted. By my mid-twenties, I had discovered John Norman and had a wife who liked to play slave-girl. I was 34 when I first discovered modern BDSM and attended my first munch, amid serious trepidation. I was extremely relieved to discover the attendees were normal, everyday folks.
Since 2000, I've devoured books, spent inordinate amounts of time reading others' viewpoints on message boards such as this and at some point or other found peace with who and what I've been becoming all these years. I suppose, within the context of the OP, I would call it early and slow with a final epiphany that crystalized everything into a rough approximation of the current status.
Good question, AAkasha.
Timothy

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(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 14

RE: Did you start slow -- or dive in? - 10/16/2005 5:48:39 AM

ownedjulia

Posts: 186
Joined: 10/5/2005
Status: offline

i had the fantasies early on but dismissed them until i was 28.

Once i found the scene it was a rapid decline into trying new things. I'm now 36 and kicking myself for missing out on all this fun!

_____________________________

~julia
owned slave and proud of it!

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 15

RE: Did you start slow -- or dive in? - 10/16/2005 6:31:01 AM

LadyJulieAnn

Posts: 384
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline

Like many people here, I also had been expressing aspects of BDSM in early childhood in the form of tying up my dolls, drawing ropes and gags on people in magazines, writing kidnapping stories, and on the very rare occasion, dabbling in a power exchange situation with a neighbor friend. There was a huge gap of about 25 years between then and when I finally realized that people lived this way and enjoyed these types of relationships. Along the way, I always had those thoughts in my head, and it was the ONLY thing I thought about when I masturbated. The internet in it's early days allowed me to read stories and see pics for the first time, and when I discovered online chatting, it all came together for me and the floodgates opened, so to speak.

My first real life scene with a sub felt very natural to me. I had already done a lot of reading online and was aware of safety and other techniques. My sub had also been my online sub for 7 months, so we had a "history" together. At that point, I was not into SM, and my scenes consisted of a lot of bondage and teasing and denial. It was the first real life scene for my sub as well, so we both were nervous to a certain extent. Thinking back, I was much more reserved in my play and limited in my activities, and I was not as self-confident in many aspects of my life. I am a very different woman today, and my play reflects that as well.

Be well,
Julie

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 16

RE: Did you start slow -- or dive in? - 10/16/2005 7:11:44 AM

Faramir

Posts: 624
Joined: 2/12/2005
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Slowly, in fits and starts, by trial and error, often backtracking out of guilt for my impulses and desires. I was 30 before I had coem to terms with who I was and the things I did.

(in reply to LadyJulieAnn)

Post #: 17

RE: Did you start slow -- or dive in? - 10/16/2005 7:17:38 AM

MstrHellsFury

Posts: 388
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

I have very humble beginnings...a bolt of lighting didn't crash through the ceiling and strike me in the butt...the sidewalk didn't open and gobble me up...oh I can go into the back when I was in diapers thingie...how I always felt there wasn't any situation I didn't feel in complete control of ( even if in fact I wasn't)...pre-wired...yes I do believe that's true...but where was the connection to any road toward this lifestyle....

I don't remember the title..but I'll forever remember the movie...black and white film...Memorial Day..1957...not going into all the anti-whatever of the films origin...just it was about slavery...the female house slave had been in the field house with her man...the Master of the house found out about it...the result....her tied her to a post...and out came the whip...

now I know many will say...hey that's the show of cruelity intended in that scene....but in my so young and inpressionable brain...all I saw was...damn I wish they could show the strokes as he's hitting her...I want to see her face...I wonder if she likes it or hates it (just a side note...she was the Masters house girl)...

and so my story grew in every widening ripples outward...

Fury

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 18

RE: Did you start slow -- or dive in? - 10/16/2005 7:44:17 AM

FangsNfeet

Posts: 1466
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline

When it came down to BDSM, I started out with simple bondage, spanking, tickleing, dirty talk, hair pulling, and being aggressive. Instead of starting out slow, you could say I started out simple with things I was confident in doing and had the trust of the other people involved.

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(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 19

RE: Did you start slow -- or dive in? - 10/16/2005 7:44:35 AM

krikket

Posts: 380
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
Status: offline

I had fantasies early on, but honestly didn't know what to do with them -- for many, many years..lol. my mother caught me masterbating once, and I actually got the lecture of "going blind"...and i'm NOT "that" old. my ex and i explored light bondage with scarves and panty hose attached to me and a lovely 4 poster bed..but it wasn't until the last 3 or 4 years of our marriage that our interests really took off -- amazingly enough about the time i found things on the internet that let me know i wasn't weird weird, just wired kinky and then found that the rest of "me" could best be described as submissive. Go figure!!! LOL!!

Since my divorce i've had some BDSM experience, but very little to do withthe D/s or M/s side of things. Being a bottom is fun, and i guess better than nothing, but there's this person deep inside that long for and needs the more that is always just out of my reach. There are times when i wish i hadn't discovered the submissive inside myself -- it would be less confusing and frustrating -- but i'm also unable to go back to before. i'm not sure where that leaves me these days, or maybe i just refuse to see it.

i think it's time to have a cuppa coffee...

take care and happy Sunday, y'all. :)

jimini

< Message edited by krikket -- 10/16/2005 8:15:45 AM >

(in reply to MstrHellsFury)

Post #: 20

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