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At what point do you call it quits?


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At what point do you call it quits? - 7/15/2005 1:20:25 PM   
luvdragonx


Posts: 387
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline 		I'm interested to know who else has found themselves in this situation.

After nearly 5 years, my Dom has fallen in love with his new sub/slave - and i'm out of the picture. Some background: a couple of years ago, several events converged to reduce our face/play time severely. I'd had surgery, was on some medication, and my vanilla relationship was in need of some work. my libido was shot, and seeing as how we both were poly, he was in no position to 'rescue' me from my relationship problems, so i needed to deal with it. After that part got settled, i decided to go back to school, so that, should i ever need to get a divorce, i could support myself and not worry about anything. He was in total support of that, he said. Well, with a full time job and going back to school, my time was limited yet again. I made time where i thought i could, but it wasn't enough for him. i offered to quit school, so that he and i could get our relationship back on track - i didn't want to lose him. He said no, it was more important. i even suggested that if he really needed someone to play at events, i understood because i wasn't as available. i asked him if that meant i'd be replaced, he said 'never!' i did tell him that i would make the time, even if it meant taking off from school to do so. Fast forward a few months, and he's hardly talking to me, not caring if we spend time together or not. i ask and ask and ask what's going on, i'm trying to make time for you. No response. Finally, i backed off. Not knowing what else to do, i just kept doing my thing. We would talk occasionally, never anything serious. Finally i couldn't stand it anymore and called to tell him i missed him and wanted to work this out. Know what he tells me? He has a new sub/slave/girlfriend and he loves her. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He never even bothered to tell me that he was moving on to someone else, for whatever reason.

I'm not going to pretend that i had no part in our problems. There were many things i should have said, or maybe tried to explain more clearly. i can look back on it and see that, and i told him as much. As my Dom, i'd hoped he could work with me through some of the issues and we'd be better for it. Now he can't understand why i'm not at peace with the situation.

Here's where i have the issue. He told me in NO uncertain terms, that he wanted me to be his forever. To me, that means dealing with the sh*t when it happens and moving forward, together. Isn't that what poly is? Many Loves. Which means that when you love someone, you deal with their crap, they deal with yours, but the threat of being replaced shouldn't be hanging over your head. This was almost the equivalent of my husband divorcing me, because i loved him THAT MUCH. Was i wrong? Is being poly just another way of leasing someone until you get tired of them? Or did i just get burned - again?

< Message edited by luvdragonx -- 7/15/2005 1:31:58 PM >

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RE: At what point do you call it quits? - 7/15/2005 1:43:02 PM   
Cyis75


Posts: 60
Joined: 8/31/2004
From: California
Status: offline 		Well first off welcome to the boards...

Second, I wouldn't consider this "dom" you were with poly based on the information you presented. It sounds more likely to me that it was a crutch for nothing more than serial monogamy. IMNSHO, his actions are disrespectful and disgraceful doing more to hurt the idea of poly by taking these actions under the guise of being poly.

It's a shame that things in your life transpired as they did to make the difficulties and sounds like you did the best you could to deal with them. Just sounds like he wasn't really ready to stick it out with you and too chicken to admit it to you directly. The honorable thing for him to have done is been honest with you as soon as he had a change of heart rather than letting you be dragged along like you were. There was no honor in his actions.

I'm sorry for the unnecessary pain you're going through. It's people like that which make it harder for those that truly are poly.

(in reply to luvdragonx)
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RE: At what point do you call it quits? - 7/15/2005 2:19:54 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3610
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		He made his choice, whether he is poly or not (and it doesn't seem he is as he doesn't want an intimate relationship with more than one person at the same time) and went about that choice in a fairly lazy unethical way.

It sucks for you, but mourn and move on, congrats on getting the school stuff and making it this far on your own.


(in reply to luvdragonx)
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RE: At what point do you call it quits? - 7/15/2005 4:51:09 PM   
fastlane


Posts: 1386
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline 		The Dumpee is always a big downer in any lifestyle or culture. I'm sorry for you, but this too will pass and you'll become stronger as you move forward.
Good luck and Godspeed!

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Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

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RE: At what point do you call it quits? - 7/15/2005 11:18:11 PM   
evilvix


Posts: 16
Joined: 1/2/2005
From: Langley
Status: offline 		I feel your pain..

-vix

(in reply to luvdragonx)
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RE: At what point do you call it quits? - 7/16/2005 10:02:39 AM   
MstrHellsFury


Posts: 388
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline 		As hard as it may be to understand others motives in different situations, from what you've discribed, I feel your sorrow. I commend you for advancing yourself in spite of the challenges you faced during this very stressful time in your life. I for one would never had allowed you to go forward without my complete assistance. Poly is hard enough as it is without having those within this part of the lifestyle taint it for thoses trying to truely adjust to it's nitch. IMHO it appears to me your Dom wasn't really poly as he wanted a mono relationship with his partners. My advice is to learn from this, take your new found knowledge from school and move forward. In time memories fade and so will he. I wish you only the best in your future and rise above the fire that burned you like the phoenix you are.

(in reply to evilvix)
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RE: At what point do you call it quits? - 7/16/2005 9:16:56 PM   
ScooterTrash


Posts: 267
Joined: 1/24/2005
From: Indiana
Status: offline 		To me this doesn't appear to be a question about Poly at all. If I am reading between the lines correctly, I guess you are (or were) married "nilla" and had a D/s relationship on the side. This progressed to where the D/s relationship experienced even more issues which limited time together, along with a serious lack of communication and thus, fell apart. I have a difficult time understanding how any D/s relationship can survive if not 24/7, then throw in a mix such as this, it seems destined to fail. I don't know that there was much you could have done different other than been available more and had better communication. Like I said, I don't see where this is about Poly at all though, this appears to be about someone who just traded you in for a new model.

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Scooter.....It's not the destination..it's the journey

(in reply to luvdragonx)
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RE: At what point do you call it quits? - 7/17/2005 2:19:22 PM   
JerryInTampa


Posts: 71
Joined: 2/19/2004
Status: offline 		I agree with much of what has been said; this is not an issue of poly or monogomous.

You were in a relationship that, for various reasons, has ended. See what mistakes were made and learn from them (whether in choice of partners or relationship management), decide where you want to go from here (it seems you want to find a new owner), sort out your profile and move on. There are a lot of us doms out here looking.

:) Jerry

(in reply to ScooterTrash)
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RE: At what point do you call it quits? - 7/17/2005 4:36:05 PM   
slavedesires


Posts: 669
Joined: 3/2/2004
Status: offline 		I am going to agree with Scooter.

I know of a very similiar situation....she was into BDSM/WIITWD, married and had family responsiblies as well as worked full time.... he was a single dom.

The relationship ended. Their were 2 sides to the story. As there are in this one.

By no means is the OP's definition of poly the only sort of poly. It might work for some.

~~shy

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....the greatest gift.....vulnerability

(in reply to ScooterTrash)
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RE: At what point do you call it quits? - 7/17/2005 5:11:13 PM   
pleasureforHim


Posts: 171
Joined: 7/2/2005
Status: offline
luvsdragonx...i am sad for you. He was dishonest, as men so often are at the end of a relationship of any stripe. i know your heart is broken, and i know you are in great pain. i have been in that situation -- under different circumstances -- and i had an epiphany one day that really helped bring me peace.

Here it is:

i do not need to understand him or his behavior, not now, not ever. i need only understand that i was in pain and needed to end the relationship; or discontinue trying to make sense of it. It was chaotic, from my viewpoint, and thus, detrimental to me.

i hope this helps.

pleasureforHim

< Message edited by pleasureforHim -- 7/17/2005 5:12:08 PM >

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Bonitas non est pessimis esse meliorem

It is not goodness to be better than the worst.

Seneca the Younger (L. Annaeus Seneca)

"Est-ce difficile trouver une cravate plus odieuse que vous?"


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RE: At what point do you call it quits? - 7/17/2005 8:25:13 PM   
babyland


Posts: 12
Status: offline 		It is these unfortunate events that sadden me the most, and is what inspires most of my writing. It will never be possible to see the future, to try to prevent these types of events in our lives. And W/we all know how deeply W/we learn to trust each other in D/s relationships. Just try to take a lot of deep breaths, and know the beauty is still there. your gift and beauty is forever unmeasured, and from an ash you will rise again. As EmeraldSlave2 said, its time to “mourn and move on”.

(in reply to luvdragonx)
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RE: At what point do you call it quits? - 7/18/2005 12:51:58 PM   
luvdragonx


Posts: 387
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you all for the feedback and supportive words. I had been struggling with these emotions for some time now and I can honestly say that ONLY after I started sharing my feelings did I truly begin to feel better. To those who find themselves in this place, I strongly recommend talking with someone - anyone about how you feel. Even if it's just a vent on a message board like this, getting a totally unbiased un-involved perspective can help you see things more clearly.

To answer the question as to whether or not this has to do with poly, I think it does because first and foremost, that is how we defined it. I was his secondary relationship and he was mine, so we both had obligations outside of our relationship. My confusion was in how committed I should have expected him to be. I know that all people are different and not everyone is going to be completely honest, but based on what poly COULD be (not even going to touch the word 'should') was it unrealistic not to expect that changes in the dynamic would equal the end of the relationship? If that's the case, then I wouldn't want anymore to do with it. No one is perfect and things change. They just do, which means that all things connected to whatever changes will change also. What kind of comfort can anyone find in me if I bail when things 'Change'. I understand there are different levels of committment when it comes to polyamory, I'm just not the type to do stuff half assed. If I can say I love you, then you get all the perks that go with my love, period.

As far as my situation goes, after doing some talking and reading, and reading the comments to this post, I feel a gazillion times better than I did when I wrote it. I'm still hurt, but what I realize now is that he and I had different visions/expectations. I also realize that we were doomed from the very beginning. I didn't learn a lot about D/s as a whole, so I was lacking knowledge and insight that I needed. He was my first, so I looked to him for guidance and instruction in these matters. Now that he's gone, I'm learning for myself and it's the best thing that could have come from it.

< Message edited by luvdragonx -- 7/18/2005 2:23:08 PM >

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RE: At what point do you call it quits? - 7/27/2005 10:19:02 AM   
anopheles


Posts: 240
Joined: 6/23/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ScooterTrash

To me this doesn't appear to be a question about Poly at all. If I am reading between the lines correctly, I guess you are (or were) married "nilla" and had a D/s relationship on the side. This progressed to where the D/s relationship experienced even more issues which limited time together, along with a serious lack of communication and thus, fell apart. I have a difficult time understanding how any D/s relationship can survive if not 24/7, then throw in a mix such as this, it seems destined to fail. I don't know that there was much you could have done different other than been available more and had better communication. Like I said, I don't see where this is about Poly at all though, this appears to be about someone who just traded you in for a new model.



I agree with you here. But in luvdragonx's defense, she tried to make the time and open the line of communications with the ex. She was even willing to do things that would have been detrimental to herself and her vanilla relationship. The meat of the problem was that he moved on, and didn't take the time to tell her that, so that she was left with the feeling of "i'm trying, but you aren't responding, what am I doing wrong?!?!" If she had known that he had had enough for whatever reason, then the healing process could have started then, as opposed to starting after being punched in the gut with the surprise of finding out that you had been replaced months earlier.


BTW..how do I know so much about the situation? I'm her silly old husband :D

(in reply to ScooterTrash)
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RE: At what point do you call it quits? - 8/14/2005 11:50:26 PM   
MasterSmokiee


Posts: 2
Joined: 1/27/2005
From: Oregon
Status: offline 		Life goes on and so will you. I applaud you for asking for help, but there isn' anymore advise to give you. Stay on track in your life and don't spend too much time crying over spilled milk. your Dom had moved on, so you have to start to look to the future for your happiness. you are a beautiful woman and I doubt you will have any problems finding someone else to love you. Good luck. MS

(in reply to luvdragonx)
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RE: At what point do you call it quits? - 8/15/2005 9:47:08 AM   
ChereeAmoor


Posts: 184
Joined: 8/1/2005
Status: offline 		I cannot improve on anything already said here - I can only applaud your strength, and wish you the best of luck. Look up, and smile!

(in reply to MasterSmokiee)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: At what point do you call it quits? - 8/15/2005 3:26:47 PM   
fastlane


Posts: 1386
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline 		I can't add anything else either but will say "this too will pass" and it will and you'll be happy again....I promise


Fastlane runs into his closet and finds his snorkel.....My ChereeAmoor....I know there's room enough for me in that drawn bubble bath...and I can stay underwater for hours!

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Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

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RE: At what point do you call it quits? - 8/19/2005 11:18:35 AM   
CitizenCane


Posts: 191
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2

He made his choice, whether he is poly or not (and it doesn't seem he is as he doesn't want an intimate relationship with more than one person at the same time) and went about that choice in a fairly lazy unethical way.

It sucks for you, but mourn and move on, congrats on getting the school stuff and making it this far on your own.




That's a bit of a leap. He doesn't want a relationship with luvdragon, it doesn't follow that he's not interested in more than one relationship. A lot of different things can take the steam out of a relationship, and luvdragon describes a couple of them. I agree that his break-up style leaves a lot to be desired, but does 'poly' mean nobody ever gets dumped? My girl and I 'broke up' with another girl, albeit early in that relationship, not because we were really monogamous at heart, but because the little dear was psycho (and I can only handle one psycho at a time...). The dom in this scenario made promises and didn't keep them- that's bad. It can still be bad poly, though.


Cane

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
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