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Any advice? - 9/27/2005 9:13:01 AM

hawk58

Posts: 51
Joined: 9/23/2005
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I am looking for a sister-sub for my girl dove, who is bisexual. She is very excited and open about her desires to have a sister. We have ben an M/s couple for 4 yrs now. We have tried poly in the past, unsuccessfuly, as the 3rd was not who she said she was.

Looking through many of the profiles, and searching on here is rough. So many people just looking for playmates. Why is it so dificult to find an actual submissive (not just the kind that lurk in bedrooms an playrooms, but actually knows a thing or two about service) who are open to poly?

Anyone have any pointers how to to find the right 3rd? Or any success stories to share?

Be well,
-Hawk

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RE: Any advice? - 9/27/2005 9:24:09 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3610
Joined: 1/1/2004
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Sister Sub

Finding a second sub for master

The best way is simply to be yourself, be open, socialize and meet people. It's the same way you find a partner if you are monogamous. It's the same way you found eachother.

To up the odds of success, make SURE you know exactly what type of relationship you want- sex? play? social time? family? vacations? living together? children together? will she be a beta? will it be a V, a triangle or other form? will she be allowed to have other partners of her own? what things will be kept "special" between you and your first girl and you and the other girl and both girls together? how will you celebrate events?

Obviously each level will have a bit of flexibility, but you can get a good idea of what is flexible and what is NOT flexible now, to save everyone heartache later.

Then just keep communicating. It's hard for the new chick to "catch up" to the intimacy that already exists, it's easy to feel left out and it's easy to be perceived as a threat. Give her some room and time to adjust to YOU, you will have to make adjustments to your lives and relationship at all to make room for her.

And don't go on about how the last relationship ended because of the other chick not being what she said she was, after all, the person you are talking to might just end up being that next chick. Very few relationships end solely because of one persons problems and let's not forget that you CHOSE to get involved with someone who you now describe very badly. Instead, take a more rounded perspective on why it ended and try not to let it happen again.

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RE: Any advice? - 9/27/2005 9:28:47 AM

teapaw

Posts: 97
Joined: 5/5/2005
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Personally, I have been a third. It sucked! The Master lied about how the relationship was going to be and it wasn't even close. The sister slave, well she only tolerated me until I go so discouraged and fed up I left.
I know this is not the success story you may have wanted to hear. I have known a few poly relationships that are working just great over the years.
I just wanted to give you a thirds perspective, sometimes it helps to have been on the other side so to speak.
If and when I have another Master I will be sure to keep all the I have LEARNED into consideration when looking for a third. I am currently not looking for a new Master or a sub partner though when I do I will be looking for poly if the situation is right.
My 2 cents
Pamela

< Message edited by teapaw -- 9/27/2005 9:30:56 AM >

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RE: Any advice? - 9/28/2005 2:49:11 AM

Oedalis

Posts: 4
Joined: 9/7/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: hawk58

Looking through many of the profiles, and searching on here is rough. So many people just looking for playmates. Why is it so dificult to find an actual submissive (not just the kind that lurk in bedrooms an playrooms, but actually knows a thing or two about service) who are open to poly?

Anyone have any pointers how to to find the right 3rd? Or any success stories to share?

As a second slave, I have to say that truthfully, I started out just looking for playmates, albeit with the hopes of finding long-term play friends, but an already established couple was not what I had in mind for my ideal situation. I was open to poly but was hoping to have it outside of a 24/7 environment, where everyone could play with established friends and no one was "owned".

Six months later, here I am, the second beloved slave of my master Quinn. All I can say is be patient---you'll probably spend a long time looking---be open---you might find someone with the right attitude but with less experience than you'd like---and be flexible---you might have to compromise on your ideal a little.

--O

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RE: Any advice? - 9/30/2005 6:01:28 AM

elfie

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Joined: 3/9/2005
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Some people spend years looking for 1 let alone 2 .... it takes someone serious to be a second because being a second is almost as hard as being the first. the realities of it are that there will be jealousy, from both. however a seriously good tip would be let them become friends, it has the habit of making things run smoother in the long run. at least thats how Master runs this house.

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RE: Any advice? - 9/30/2005 8:05:47 AM

hawk58

Posts: 51
Joined: 9/23/2005
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Thanks to all who responded, and for your experiences and advice. Yes, I am just as much to blame for the last experience ending badly. I rushed things too quikly in my anxiousness to have the family I have always wanted, before making sure she was the "one" or 2nd in this case.

But, having learned the hard way, I am staying open minded, hopeful, and am willing to taking things slower this time around. I know what I want, and what aqulaites I think will and wont work in my house, so who knows, maybe ms. right will come along, and blend into our family as we desire.

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RE: Any advice? - 10/1/2005 12:54:52 PM

MstrHellsFury

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well hawk...I haven't been doing much by way of posting my opinions lately...the main reason is because after what seems like forever...I..have through this very site... finally found a second who's blending into the family quite well...(my time away from here is devoted to the communication necessary to foster bonds..and cement the groundwork...so just relax...look...listen...and be above all patient...most good things come to those using the skills that say...(you fill in the blank)...as just an aside...these things we seek..take a lot of work...know this before hand...now answer ...can you invest the time necessary...(to fail again...and again)...without failure how will you know success...

Fury

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RE: Any advice? - 10/2/2005 6:57:41 AM

MstrHellsFury

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seems like I was a little premature in my joy over finding someone...another failure...or another lession learned...

Fury

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RE: Any advice? - 10/2/2005 1:18:12 PM

MsPurrmeow

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Joined: 10/30/2004
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Fury,

Joy is never premature. Expectations, on the other paw, often are.

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RE: Any advice? - 10/3/2005 8:09:21 AM

hawk58

Posts: 51
Joined: 9/23/2005
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Fury;

Thanks for your advice. I am sorry things didnt work out as you had hoped. We are both being patient, waiting, and more than willing to live, learn, make mistakes, learn from them, etc...until the right girl comes along.

-Hawk and dove

_____________________________

-Sir Hawk

Master of dove's Haven

"True Power/Control is knowing that You have the ability to use it, but choose not to."

Hearts in Service:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HeartsInService/

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RE: Any advice? - 10/3/2005 6:36:41 PM

LadiesBladewing

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I've wondered sometimes why we never ended up in this situation in our earlier relationship, even with 3 dominants and a half-dozen servants. The one thing I wonder about is that we never really had the "first", "second", "third" thing going on. I wonder how much difference that makes, when you're just part of the whole, and not a "leftover". Not to say that we didn't have a hierarchy, because we did--and it was a very clear one. We even had a "first slave"...but it wasn't about who was -there- first, it was about who could handle the responsibility of being the first "manager" for the servants. The Guides didn't really have a 'hierarchy' per se. Each of them oversaw the things they were best at, and they talked a LOT about issues that would come up. All the servants served everyone, and were trained, disciplined and petted on, as the occasion required, by any and everyone. The dominants talked to the servants, and respected their opinions, discomforts, individual quirks, and the special gifts each brought to the family, and the servants felt the same way about the dominants. Not to say that blowups didn't happen--it wouldn't be a family if there weren't challenges and things to work out and work through as we all grew and changed...but in the end (and even after the House broke into smaller groups due to death, work and family requirements outside of our collective), we all loved and still love one another.

I wonder if, perhaps, it isn't, in part, the whole stratification of poly relationships that leads to so much angst. It seems to me that when you are part of a family, it really is a communal effort, no matter which side of the collar one is on, and setting mates or submissives into stratifying relationships seems to me to be a strong contender for introducing stress, strife and insecurity. I know that as we work on growing our core family again after the discorporation of 2 of our mates, we are looking for companions first, as full members of the family once time has shown us compatible. Submissive/dominant dynamic issues come second and, while integral, a real blending is the first goal.

Just some thoughts, for whatever they're worth.

Lady Zephyr

quote:

ORIGINAL: teapaw

Personally, I have been a third. It sucked! [clipped]

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RE: Any advice? - 10/10/2005 11:59:11 AM

MasterRobert1

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Joined: 7/18/2005
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Why is it do difficult to actually find a sub/Dom who wants to PLAY? People often say one things but actually want another. All TOO often.

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RE: Any advice? - 10/10/2005 5:58:56 PM

LadiesBladewing

Posts: 518
Joined: 8/31/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterRobert1

Why is it do difficult to actually find a sub/Dom who wants to PLAY? People often say one things but actually want another. All TOO often.

We've had exactly the opposite experience. We've found a lot of submissive individuals who are interested in play, and very few who are actually interested in the work of becoming part of a family. If it isn't going to be play for all of their 24/7 existence -- if, for example, we command that they get a job in the mundane world to pay for their keep, or expect them to do things like dishes or mopping floors or cooking dinner when we've been out at work all day...well, suffice to say there is a lot less interest in those aspects than in whether or not we can wield a flogger or tie a decent knot (don't look at me for the knots!)

Lady Zephyr

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