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Adding a play partner - 8/1/2005 4:40:29 PM

synrgy33

Posts: 50
Joined: 4/4/2005
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I'm never quite sure how to title my topics, but here goes.....

A few weeks back I posted about poly relationships etc.. Mostly I would say ours isn't poly but more Open, but I find more answers here to what I seek then within the "open relationship" realm.

Pre introduction to my question: My Sir has met a charming young woman. I like her alot, and I was so very nervous. They were spending hours talking on the net together. Like 4-6 hours every night talking or emailing back and forth. I had some concerns, but Sir was fantastic about everything, being honest etc. I will note that often when He was online, I was in bed sleeping as we work different times.
Sir met this young lady at a gas station, He was wearing a tshirt that happened to belong to me at one time (laughs) that said "I do sick twisted and perverted things". Well she flirted with Him, they exchanged emails.. etc. At first I was very upset as we had just gone through all of this recently and even though that one kind of tumbled off after meeting, I was nervous. Here we'd been together for 1.5 years and suddenly two girls... Sir realized how overwhelming it seemed and told me he'd back off from it for awhile if it was indeed what I wanted. I explained no.. it wasn't, i just needed time to deal with everything and wanted to meet her. So we chatted online one night then agree'd to meet. Mostly it was for me, mostly I wanted to calm my fears. After meeting her, I like her, she's bi, I'm bi curious... there are ENDLESS possiblities. My Sir KNOWS that I do not want Him to take another submissive and He is agree'd... So you're wondering.. what the heck is this chicks point..

Here's the question.. We've burned all this energy gettng to know her... Now I want them to play, and AM SO ENCOURGAING IT! Sir keeps laughing and wondering why and the reason is just so GOOFY! I think she's totally going to annoy Him before they have the chance and I'm like "Okay You have got to play with her so we can get this over with", lol. Mostly I want them to play so I can know in my heart of heart it's going to be ALRIGHT! In my head I know of course, but my natural jealous self still has worries. (Yes my Sir knows all this)

So I was curious have others run into this? Finding someone, the antisipation of play, meeting etc.. and then.. it falling flat? How do you deal with it etc?

The thing is, that this girl and I have chatted several times, she wants me there on occassions of their play which is cool with me. My thing is though I dunt wanna see them have sex. Play is one thing, sex is another. If I'm not there sex is fine. I find it highly erotic thinking of ways that i can enjoy their time together as well as them having time alone. I know they will need that and I'm doing okay with it. Starting too.

I just don't want her to burn herself out, or annoy Him so much that the chance for play doesn't happen. But I also don't want to control the play either. (Okay mabe the first few times.. not control it persay but being an active participant.. is that wrong?)

Thanks

stephanie~SD~

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RE: Adding a play partner - 8/1/2005 5:08:01 PM

EmeraldSlave2

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I am posting my generic poly/jealous essay here which will hopefully help you.

A specific piece of advice is that if any of you feel like you have to micromanage the others relationship, it will more than likely cause complications. You either trust eachother or you don't. If you each feel you need a battle plan for each date and scene, you just might not be ready for it. Hot chicks will always be around, better to wait until your primary relationship is really solid before treading water. While being VERY clear on limits and expectations is advised, and this comes from lots of discussion between everyone, there comes a point when it becomes pacifying your own securities rather than allowing the relationship to simply be what it is.

A response to the question: What do you do about jealousy in relationships (poly specific)?

It depends on how much experience everyone has, what the situation is, and what your options are. Have you read the Ethical Slut? That can be an immense help atp utting a lot of ideas together in workable ways.

Obviously starting out, TALK TALK TALK. There is NO TOLERANCE for hiding things, pushing things away, and lying. If it doesn't catch up to you today, it WILL catch up to you in a month.

Normally in Ds poly you have two sides- the established relationship and the newcomer. The newcomer is happy, but worried. She has a lot of history and establishment she's coming into. She wants to feel welcomed, but doesn't want to get lost or ganged up on.

The established relationship wants to try a new mix, wants to be happy with new people, but is going to have to relearn how to work while maintaining the solidarity that you had before. This isn't just adding a side of fries to your meal, it's adding a new person to your life. There might also be pressure from other "friends" that this new person is obviously just trying to break you up.

This boils down to being totally honest. What type of poly do you want, a family? friend? lover? will you both be able to have independent relationships? What will you do when someone goes out of town? what about sex? What needs to be kept "special"?

Some of these answers you should have a fairly good grasp of before you go out looking and others will simply come in time and experience. Your answers might also change over time.

What does this have to do with jealousy? 70-80% of all jealousy comes from not knowing and not being secure in the relationship you have. This is eliminated by clear communication, clear intent and clear expectations.

Next- EXPECT jealousy. EXPECT that your strong world will sometimes fall apart and you will feel lonely, rejected and as if something else is taking it away from you. Once you realize that it's GOING to happen, you can stop wasting time geeling guilty about experiencing it. Communicate it of course, but remember that (given that everyone is being a mature adult) everyone is working towards a fulfilling relationship for everyone.

Sort out priorities. Poly relationships are ALL about deciding what is priority, when and how. The better your sort them out, the more you can understand how everyone else has to sort them out, but the better you can deal with an immediate situation. Take the time to figure out your jealousy at the moment, and then figure how it fits into the long term picture- tomorrow? next week? a year? Sometimes it's best to just let it go. Sometimes its best to talk it out (you talk a LOT in the beginning and then you keep talking a LOT throughout).

Remember that everyone in their own way is dealing with the same issues you are- trying to work together. We all have lives, we all have our sensitivies, our losses, our responses, our illusions, our condemnation, our celebrations and more. Fitting them together into a whole is never smooth. But, if it is truly how everyone will feel fulfilled, and if it is a good balance between everyone, it can work, and work very happily.

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RE: Adding a play partner - 8/1/2005 5:13:56 PM

Lordandmaster

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If you had the power to determine the future, how would you make this go? Ask yourself that question, answer it honestly, and then see whether it's possible. If it is, then you have your ideal situation right there. If it's not possible, you have to start weighing what's more important to you.

I have the feeling that you're jealous, but obviously I don't know you. Still, I can tell from your post that you have conflicted feelings, and I sense that you haven't fully analyzed them.

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RE: Adding a play partner - 8/2/2005 11:09:13 AM

synrgy33

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To Emerald Slave,

First, thank you for taking the time to answer. I have always enjoyed your posts. I would be lying if I didn't admit that I'm somewhat jealous but I'm not nearly as bad I was with the other girl and that situation. I am not sure why these two situations are different. Perhaps it is because the other girl was 20, and this one is nearer my age and she's married. I don't know. Maybe I just feel more comfortable with her.

These are all things SD and I talk about ALOT. I think if He weren't so understanding and patient this would be ALOT worse. He has been so totally great. Makes sure He gives me lots of encouragement.

As far as what we seek with this other girl or what He seeks. I think right now it's just figuring out if there will be a time for a playdate in the future. With everyone with such busy schedules and the distance of almost 1 hour.. it makes it a little rough.

Having sat with this girl and talking there is defintely a more comfortable comfort level then there was before.

I agree with her needing to feel welcome, and I think that is one reason Sir wanted us to meet. He knew how uncomfortable I was with the whole situation. Shealso knew of some of my insecurities and did not want to compound them so was very understanding with the need to meet. I know that Sir and she will need their own time, and I'm okay with that. I know that they will have sex possibly. Do I like that? Hmmm I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me. BUT Sir knows my reasons for this and they are personal and for He and I alone. BUT I also know that it's just "sex" and that the love we share before, after and always will be different. He knows it bothers me, and I will deal with it because I love Him enough to explore this side of our life. Who knows, after a few situations I may come to love it and won't be able to imagine anything else! *grins*

Some of our friends have been understanding, some don't get it. That's okay, that's their perogative, as lon gas they don't feed me negative energy I will be okay. It's not really for them to approve or disapprove of as long as He is happy and I am happy.

We have talked about the things that are "special" to us. Most of those He knew, most of them could change over time. I know this.

I have read the ethical slut and I think that's what's helped me along with this more so then anything. 6 months ago I honestly could not have done any of this. I wasn't secure enough.

To LordandMaster Sir *s*

If I had the power to decide the f uture with this.. I would want Him to play with th is girl. I would want to be a voyer and watch.. Wait I am a voyer, and I will get to watch on occassion. I wish I could take away ALL my jealous nature and I think with time that too will change. This is something totally new for me. The relationship that I had before SD was a swinging type of relationship that had it's own baggage that I try to leave at t he door. I also met Sir when He was in a relationship. They had an open relationship and He and I played a few times over the years. I respected His relationship with His girl and she and I are very good friends. I did not fully start to date Him, until AFTER they broke up. (Just wanted to make that clear, lol) And she and I are still very good friends. I speak to her alot about all of this sometimes, and she's helped me tons. Knowing that He never left her for other partners is comforting. *s*.. Yes it's all about trust, and about self esteem issues. I am working on those daily. Doing things that I CAN do to make myself feel better. Kind of that saying "if you don't love yourself no one else will either"

And for your one comment :

quote:

If it's not possible, you have to start weighing what's more important to you.

Right now, His happiness is what is important to me. He has given me SO much, and He's asking something big of me, but also in the sceme of things, something very insigficant. I can at least try. As His submissive there are going to be things He asks of me that will be VERY VERY hard. This is one of them, but I feel that in order to be pleasing that I can do this. It will please Him, I will get positive feed back from Him regarding everything. I will also learn to open myself up, my mind, my soul, my heart and in that find a deeper surrender to Him. IN the end, I know this to be true. And this is why I seek this out. Why I encourage it now then I did before.

I know each situation will be unique onto itself. I am prepared for that. I am prepared to have hurt feelings on occassion, but I am also prepared to be loved and cherished. I am prepared for this to be a rough journey, but also a loving, journey that will teach me many things.

In devotion to SadistDave,
stephanie~SD~

Thank You again both for your responses and any one else that responds after this *laughs*

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RE: Adding a play partner - 8/2/2005 4:26:34 PM

MstrHellsFury

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I know I've said this before...but here goes again..that same story I have to tell...all along I've loved and cherished my first...no question about that as I married her...it was Ds before marriage and it's only grown since...not long after we first started I let it be known I would like to try having more than one to serve me...well being I'm always open and honest in what I want...she agreed just to please me but I could tell in her response it wasn't quite her cup of tea...this is where the know thy self comes in...I resolved to control my wants and needs so that she could get to that comfort level...a learn to control yourself before you can control another thing...we spent 7 years just growing..learning...experiencing the joys of the lifestyle...it's not something I completely put aside in my heart but my mind went into a..I have one now to guide her to the heights I expressed would be there for her if she submitted to me...I guess it's the secure knowledge of your place within a relationship or whatever makes that bell go off...anyway...one day at a munch..she pulled me aside and let me know there was someone she had an interest in...I term that as her turning point...her day of awakening...it was when she was ready to accept another that I finally was able to realize that new aspect of this life...so now how does all the rambling relate to you....I know as with mine..you want to please...but IMHO...I'd express that you have these certain feelings and wish to resolve them first...I'm old guard and in being such I take feelings into consideration...if you don't feel right you can't serve me right...to serve without that PASSION to please and have joy with your result is not giving all...I don't deal well with parts I want whole...a mono relationship is hard enough..adding to it without the true heart to do so is a sure way to doom everything built...I do think yours would be understanding enough to allow you to be ready...but it's your relationship not mine so in the end..I can only wish you the best..and hope all works out for all of you...

Fury

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RE: Adding a play partner - 8/2/2005 5:25:48 PM

luvdragonx

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Your question brings back memories for me. First let me say I can completely empathize with your position. Jealousy is a tough nut to crack for sure, though I'm concerned about the idea that if they just 'do it and get it over with', it will force the issue and pop that bubble. In your ideal world, you'd magically get over being jealous because things turned out alright. But what if the opposite happens? You could be just as conflicted or maybe even more so afterward. And without the security of knowing 'at least they haven't done it yet', what will you do then?

I know it's terribly idealistic to say you should resolve all jealousy issues before involving someone else, since some feelings come unbidden and as a total surprise. Some people have told me that they didn't believe they could be jealous until a certain circumstances arose, and it caught them off guard.

Why do you think you are jealous? Do you feel that another might steal him away? Or get certain privileges and considerations that you don't? Do you think he might find her more enjoyable in ways that you aren't? Do you wonder if he's just not satisfied with you alone? Those are just some examples of what I used to think about when I was insecure in our relationship. It's essential that you get down the the core of why you have issue with it. It may take some time, and may come down to something as basic as "I don't want to share you". At that point, you would revisit the D/s dynamic you have and talk talk talk until you hear that One Thing. You know how sometimes something will bother you and you can almost put your finger on it, but when somone says that One Thing, your eyes are completely opened.

Another thing that Emerald also mentioned was defining what type of relationship you want. Is she just a casual sex partner? A friend with benefits? A part of your family? If it is indeed 'Just Sex', should you involve yourself with her as deeply as you have so far? To me, saying it's 'just sex' implies that it doesn't hold much value. If she's to be a valued part of your life, then the sex is more than a casual encounter and all the more reason why you get to know and trust her and your Sir before said act takes place. That is, of course, if that is how your Sir intends for it to be.

I think I may be tired, and this didn't come out as efficiently as I wanted it to. The point I (believe) I was making is that there is no Fix It button for your emotional bias. Encouraging your Sir to just get the deed done is a gamble when trying to deal with jealousy. Pushing for something when you aren't ready is a good way to end up getting exactly what you feared. If your Sir preferrs that you were comfortable with it, but you weren't, once they've had sex - He enjoyed it, she enjoyed it, you didn't - not a happy place. If she gets bored or tired of waiting on the playdate because you aren't ready for it, so be it. You may like her, but she shouldn't be your primary concern. Being the best you can be for and with your Sir, should.

Understand, all I've said comes from my own experiences with jealousy in both open and poly relationships.

One more question: If you could have another woman in your lives, in any way you wanted, how would it be? How would you meet her? How would she interact with the two of you? How long/often would you want her around?

< Message edited by luvdragonx -- 8/2/2005 5:31:20 PM >

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RE: Adding a play partner - 8/2/2005 7:55:57 PM

synrgy33

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I think many of the reasons why I hope they play soon and just get it over with is .. well silly really like I said before. Before I begin my thoughts, I will express that this girl and I talk alot in IM's, I have even shared this topic with her and many of the comments.

I think because I like her, and respect her that this can and will work. And she has even said "I'd rather have the friendship then a play partner with Sir"

Now, with that said..... I knew 1.5 years ago that my Dominant was into open relationships... and iffin I didn't like it I should have walked then.

quote:

One more question: If you could have another woman in your lives, in any way you wanted, how would it be? How would you meet her? How would she interact with the two of you? How long/often would you want her around?

As far as the relationship between the three of us. Right now I do not know what we all expect to happen. How long it will happen. I won't presume to assume that it will be a month to month thing or a year to year thing. Right now it's just new and I'll leave it at that. I do hope that with everything the friendship continues to grow and whatever happens happens. Mostly I want her or anyone really that plays with either Sir or myself be it a male Dominant with me or a female submissive for SIr, that the base is that they respect us. Respect our relationship. That's all I ask for.

Sorry going through the post backwards as thoughts hit me:

quote:

Why do you think you are jealous? Do you feel that another might steal him away? Or get certain privileges and considerations that you don't? Do you think he might find her more enjoyable in ways that you aren't? Do you wonder if he's just not satisfied with you alone? Those are just some examples of what I used to think about when I was insecure in our relationship. It's essential that you get down the the core of why you have issue with it.

I think this has alot to do with it more then anything. We're trained at an early age about monogomy. That it's not right to share more then one love etc. So with self esteem issues it's natural to think "what am I doing wrong that He needs another? Why aren't I sexy, pretty enough? Why does He want to have sex with another etc..

Thankfully even though I have/had these issues, Dave Sir has been doing a wonderful job of helping me get through these, as well as our gal friend. Dave Sir has been wonderfully reassuring... And really I think something He said the other day triggered something within me that is now seeking this out. I don't remember exactly what we were talking about because we talk abou tthis alot. We were talking about our D/s relationship into regards of something and I asked "Well what is it you want from me... exactly" and he said "All that I've ever wanted is for you to open your mind. "

ANd today while posting that's where I realized... By opening my mind to this, I am giving to Him in a very powerful way. I am submitting to HIS will. HIs command and surrendering something I don't really like. (But am coming to like) I don't know if that makes sense or even if I am wording it correctly, but it's a release to know that I'm giving Him a part of me that I am uncomfortable with and He's taking very specal care of me in that regard. Making sure that I know that I am loved and cared for.

I think that's kind of wherer MstrFury was going with His post and His thoughts about His girl.. He needed her to come to her own process of thought before accepting it.. I think that is what I have done. By accepting this new girl.. I am accepting His choice... ANd in the end it really boils down to trust. All my self esteem issues mean nothing if I can't trust Him, and trust in our relationship.. and if I can't do that... then I don't need to be with Him.

Again, my Sir has been wonderful, it's making me stronger, and it's opening so many levels of communication with us.. I am awed by Him and it makes me love Him and cherish Him so much more. (Yeah Sir I get sappy!!!!)

LOL Yes he's been following my thread.

Hugggs thank you all!

stephanie~SD~

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