A "line" in the sand

Join Our Community

As the Collar Turns:

Collarchat.com - BDSM Forum

Home Login Event Calendars Search

Espanol

Deutsch

Francais

Italiano

Portugues

A "line" in the sand

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Polyamorous Lifestyles >> A "line" in the sand

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

A "line" in the sand - 6/21/2005 4:47:47 AM

ShiftedJewel

Posts: 634
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline

As a dominant couple we've come across what I would consider the ultimate "line in the sand". My husband and I are extremely close, we talk about everything all the time. I tell people frequently that if it comes from my mouth you can count on him saying nearly the same thing. On his days off you will never see him without me being there too and vise versa, we are inseperable. When he is at work we talk daily during his lunch break... because we want to. As my profile states, we share an unbreakable bond.

I've told you that because that is where that line in the sand comes from. When dealing with potential submissives, particularly ones that have never really experienced a poly family before, there seems to be this invisible line that seperates us from them. As co-dominants we want that special submissive that can fit in to our unusual lifestyle, that can feel like they are a part of the whole and not a "third wheel". Unlike most of the one on one relationships, our submissive would have their own space, their own bedroom. Thus, the line in the sand. We want them to be an "equal" part of our lives with the only real division being the one between dominant and submissive, yet because we are two people and the primary couple to begin with that line sometimes becomes a wall. We considered sharing our room with a potential submissive but decided that it just wouldn't work. She would need her space, her "sanctuary" to spend some quiet time in, besides that, with the potential of having two females going through menopause around the same time... well, the hot flashes alone could kill the poor man in the middle of the bed. So, tell me, is this "normal" in poly families? Or are we setting the bar to high? We fully expect that there will be nights when the submissive would spend the night with us in our room but for the most part they would have their own room to retire to.

I look forward to hearing how other poly families dynamics work.

Jewel

_____________________________

ShiftedJewel of PhoenixRisen

Post #: 1

RE: A "line" in the sand - 6/21/2005 5:13:40 AM

kisshou

Posts: 704
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline

A bedtime routine was established where the slave was put to bed by the Owner. In your case you both could alternate, this might be nice because the slave would get some alone time with each of you on alternate nights. In the morning the slave makes and serves coffee (in bed) to the Owner. With one Master/two slaves there can be great jealousy over who gets to make/serve the coffee to him. In your case this would be really cool for the slave because they would get the joy of serving you both , of coming into your room in the morning and feeling the love and welcome as they are greeted by you both, then time permitting some cuddling or play.

Also maybe one or two nights the slave could be allowed to sleep in the bed and the Owners make a point of rolling over and going to sleep. Alot of times people get jealous or feel left out because they are imagining things that never happen. This would show that what the Owners are really doing at 3am ... is sleeping.

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)

Post #: 2

RE: A "line" in the sand - 6/21/2005 5:52:19 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3610
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel
So, tell me, is this "normal" in poly families? Or are we setting the bar to high? We fully expect that there will be nights when the submissive would spend the night with us in our room but for the most part they would have their own room to retire to.

I look forward to hearing how other poly families dynamics work.

Jewel

I think your way, IF you find the right submissive, is actually one of the best ways to make it work.

It's HARD being the "new chick." You're coming up against this solid, happy, well-established relationship. No matter how welcoming you are, it will be painfully obvious that you are so entwined, you have rituals together, you "grok" eachother to a deep level, and there's simply no way for the new person to be a part of that in the same way.

Not to mention all the outside pressures of "she's just trying to break you up" and the like.

So be honest with them up front about it. Explain that you are looking for LONG TERM and that in time you will form your own rituals together, your own shared experiences and ideas. Part of the real difficulty in poly is maintaining not only one on one relationships with everyone but, simultaneously, maintaining the overall group relationship amongst eachother.

Male doms tend to fail in this most by thinking they can simply treat all their girls the same as an assembly line.

So try and work very hard for both YOU and HIM to form a unique relationship with HER, as well as the BOTH of you forming a relationship with HER. That way she would understand that it is not "2 to 1" but each person special in their own way.

It will still be hard, but you can mitigate it and it will pass as the years go on. When I first got involved with the Owner, I had absolute stars in my eyes about living with him as his slave forever. Now I realize that with our styles and his preferences, me living with him would make us both feel far too cramped! I still get sad sometimes when he and his primary do things and experience things that only people who have been together for a decade can have, but I move on, I see the larger picture and I have my own relationships which help.

As usual, if you make a good choice right off, you can go from there to anywhere. Just keep it out in the open and make sure everyone is connecting to everyone.

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)

Post #: 3

RE: A "line" in the sand - 6/21/2005 2:05:04 PM

asissyforher

Posts: 228
Joined: 5/20/2005
From: iowa now..maybe move soon.
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel

As a dominant couple we've come across what I would consider the ultimate "line in the sand". My husband and I are extremely close, we talk about everything all the time. I tell people frequently that if it comes from my mouth you can count on him saying nearly the same thing. On his days off you will never see him without me being there too and vise versa, we are inseperable. When he is at work we talk daily during his lunch break... because we want to. As my profile states, we share an unbreakable bond.

I've told you that because that is where that line in the sand comes from. When dealing with potential submissives, particularly ones that have never really experienced a poly family before, there seems to be this invisible line that seperates us from them. As co-dominants we want that special submissive that can fit in to our unusual lifestyle, that can feel like they are a part of the whole and not a "third wheel". Unlike most of the one on one relationships, our submissive would have their own space, their own bedroom. Thus, the line in the sand. We want them to be an "equal" part of our lives with the only real division being the one between dominant and submissive, yet because we are two people and the primary couple to begin with that line sometimes becomes a wall. We considered sharing our room with a potential submissive but decided that it just wouldn't work. She would need her space, her "sanctuary" to spend some quiet time in, besides that, with the potential of having two females going through menopause around the same time... well, the hot flashes alone could kill the poor man in the middle of the bed. So, tell me, is this "normal" in poly families? Or are we setting the bar to high? We fully expect that there will be nights when the submissive would spend the night with us in our room but for the most part they would have their own room to retire to.

I look forward to hearing how other poly families dynamics work.

Jewel

i am highly impressed. one person i ever heard tell that actually claims to care.
so far "my" exploits have been where i feel like that 3rd wheel. people whispering behind my back and all.
i am happy to hear you are different.
thank You.
good luck to You.

_____________________________

"still looking for a real life domme..no more plastic wannabes for me"

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)

Post #: 4

RE: A "line" in the sand - 6/21/2005 2:21:42 PM

ShiftedJewel

Posts: 634
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline

quote:

i am highly impressed. one person i ever heard tell that actually claims to care.
so far "my" exploits have been where i feel like that 3rd wheel. people whispering behind my back and all.
i am happy to hear you are different.
thank You.
good luck to You.

We really do care... enough that we get our hearts broken on a regular basis. It's sad to think there are so many that don't and I for one refuse to accept it. Ok, call it denial, after all that's what I call it. Perhaps I should be more explicit, we live in a polyamorous home, since just saying poly can mean so many different things. I/we could have another "body" here, no problem, but that isn't what we want. We want that connection, the bond between all of us. Unfortunately watching and reading these boards doesn't give us cause for hope. But like always, we'll keep going. If we're real and we truly do care then I have to believe that someone out there is see that.

Thank you for the compliment.

Jewel

_____________________________

ShiftedJewel of PhoenixRisen

(in reply to asissyforher)

Post #: 5

RE: A "line" in the sand - 6/21/2005 5:05:37 PM

asissyforher

Posts: 228
Joined: 5/20/2005
From: iowa now..maybe move soon.
Status: offline

quote:

the bond between all of us.

i can but only hope in the next 10 years before i die, i find someone "I" can find a bond with. i have looked since i was 14 and so far no one.

i am beginning to think it is a pipedream of fantasy.
it seems "I" am the only one i know that is able to accept unconditionally but it is odd no one else can. everyone has a hidden agenda.

why is that?

_____________________________

"still looking for a real life domme..no more plastic wannabes for me"

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)

Post #: 6

RE: A "line" in the sand - 6/21/2005 5:42:37 PM

stormsfate

Posts: 846
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

I/we could have another "body" here, no problem, but that isn't what we want. We want that connection, the bond between all of us.

Yes! Exactly the way we feel. Sometimes potential partners get the wrong impression and think that joining the family will be a piece of cake if they decide that's what they want. Without that connection, it doesn't matter what else they can bring to the table...my owner simply has no interest. I'm always suprised when *they* are suprised by this.

You summed it up so well, ShiftedJewel!

best regards,
fate

_____________________________

Storm1206 - Author of my dark desires...Owner of my soul.

stormsvision - chainsister and partner in crime.

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)

Post #: 7

RE: A "line" in the sand - 6/22/2005 8:55:21 AM

ShiftedJewel

Posts: 634
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline

quote:

It's HARD being the "new chick." You're coming up against this solid, happy, well-established relationship. No matter how welcoming you are, it will be painfully obvious that you are so entwined, you have rituals together, you "grok" eachother to a deep level, and there's simply no way for the new person to be a part of that in the same way.

So true, I guess we have to look at it from that point of view. I've been told we are a very intimidating couple. Because of our closeness it's all but impossible to feel anything other then the "third wheel"... but believe me, we don't do it on purpose.

That's why I'm asking how others over came that, not just the dominants, but mainly I would like to know how the "new" submissives over came that feeling and finally accepted that they were truly a part of the whole? Was there anything in particular that the primary couple did to smooth the way?

quote:

So be honest with them up front about it. Explain that you are looking for LONG TERM and that in time you will form your own rituals together, your own shared experiences and ideas. Part of the real difficulty in poly is maintaining not only one on one relationships with everyone but, simultaneously, maintaining the overall group relationship amongst eachother.

We are always honest about that and at times I think that's what scares people. There is so much negativity about the polyamorous dynamic, like you said, the naysayers that predict the new one breaking up the primary couple and so on that it's difficult at best to believe it can happen and when it does it's awesome.

quote:

So try and work very hard for both YOU and HIM to form a unique relationship with HER, as well as the BOTH of you forming a relationship with HER. That way she would understand that it is not "2 to 1" but each person special in their own way.

We are doing that, it's easy for me because I don't work so I have all day to spend with a submissive, right now it's either talking online to her or on the phone. Because Scooter works long hours and is unable to talk to her any time other then his lunch break, in the evenings he has exclusive time with her, again, either online or on the phone. When she is here for visits then he still gets the evenings after work and weekends we all do things together.

I think one of the biggest issues is the fact that there are two dominants. So many polyamorous families have one dominant and two or more submissives/slaves and for what ever reason that makes it easier.... or does it just seem that way to me?

We can't be the only two dominant family on this board.... can we?

Jewel

_____________________________

ShiftedJewel of PhoenixRisen

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 8

RE: A "line" in the sand - 6/22/2005 5:56:38 PM

domtimothy46176

Posts: 636
Joined: 12/25/2004
From: Central Indiana
Status: offline

I dunno if you're the only double-dominant duo (doncha love alliteration?) on the boards but I DO know the third wheel syndrome exists when I have another submissive over. Inevitably, regardless of how much time she's spent speaking with toy and I, she still feels like she's intruding in some intangible way, at least in the beginning. The only solution I've found is time. Eventually, everyone is comfortable, even the strictly het girls. I think it's helpful that toy has her own room and I usually give the girls a choice of sleeping with me or in their own beds. From a practical point of view, it's not difficult for me to make time for each individual and still maintain "everybody time", but I also have only toy here on a permanent basis right now.
I will venture to say that if you continue to take the submissives' feelings into account you likely to end up stuck with one or more for the duration. We all know how terrible a prospect that must be.

It's simply amazing how much loyalty one can inspire in a girl simply by treating her like a thinking feeling person but you didn't hear it from me, I wouldn't want to ruin my rep as an a$$hole, lol.
Best wishes in your endeavors,
Timothy

_____________________________

*DISCLAIMER* The above consitutes the thoughts, opinions and actions
of the author. No warranty is expressed or implied. Read at your own risk.

Body jewelry and more at wholesale prices
http://stores.ebay.com/T-and-J-Enterprises

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)

Post #: 9

RE: A "line" in the sand - 6/26/2005 4:53:24 AM

johndom

Posts: 1
Joined: 8/13/2004
Status: offline

Can I just point out that the phrase "line in the sand" does not mean a clear, defined boundary - It means the opposite. A line in the sand it can never be well defined; it changes all the time with the wind.

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)

Post #: 10

RE: A "line" in the sand - 6/26/2005 5:53:52 AM

lovingmaster45

Posts: 261
Joined: 9/16/2004
Status: offline

You are not the only double dom poly couple here. I think it is because it takes so much damn work and attention to everyone's feelings.

I would imagine it would be much easier with just one dominant who called hte shots and everyone else either accepted it or got the hell on the road. A sort of "my way or the highway" form of household rule.

We have made it work for a number of subs; and had our share of failures. Nothing different than anyone else.

_____________________________

Master Jerry

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)

Post #: 11

RE: A "line" in the sand - 6/26/2005 3:24:33 PM

SinTwister

Posts: 15
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Your relationship sounds very much like the relationship between Master and I. I am submissive to him, but dominant over anyone else in our relationship. We were platonic friends for years before we became involved with each other and it shows.

Because we frequently think the same things and can answer each other without the questions being spoken, many have felt that they're a third wheel.

We've adopted rules to try and keep that from happening. First, we make sure that they know that this is a 3 way relationship, not a just a Dom with multiple subs. We allow no whispering between people and frequently sit down to discuss issues of jealousy. We've found that open lines of communication and clearly defined expectations helps relieve most of those issues.

We are still searching for our permanent third. Good luck in your search.

B~

< Message edited by SinTwister -- 6/26/2005 3:25:12 PM >

(in reply to lovingmaster45)

Post #: 12

RE: A "line" in the sand - 6/26/2005 3:33:43 PM

HisAngel

Posts: 29
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

undefined

Hello And I applause all my sisters who reply that "YES" a sistuation like that can work. Even in a vanilla or a GLBT lifestyle everyone must o their part and respect each other and their needs...GO FOR IT!

_____________________________

A Kind man Benefits himself,But A Cruel man brings trouble on himself.
~His Angel~

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)

Post #: 13

RE: A "line" in the sand - 6/26/2005 5:22:34 PM

shylittleheart

Posts: 100
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Your relationship is just as Master and myself. We tend also to say the same things at the same time, and even think the same. This has bothered others in the past. We have searched for along time to find our third, our addition to Our family with no luck. I sometimes wonder if it is my Dominant personality which scares so many off. Im a very strong willed person, and know what i want and know what to give. I have always given my All to Master first and formost. I wonder if there is other places to look for a possible addition, but have found none of interest. Any suggestions would be so appreciated.

shy

(in reply to HisAngel)

Post #: 14

RE: A "line" in the sand - 6/27/2005 2:22:30 AM

Akinta

Posts: 16
Joined: 8/16/2004
Status: offline

The same issue can happen without the Duo addition you two bring. I've been told, in hindsight, by those I'd played with that I was a very VERY intimidating person to deal with. It's not that I set out to be that way, but being Dom comes so natural to me that I hardly even notice myself being that way (even to random people.. hehe).

I believe anything is possible. If two people have enough in common, they can bond. Likewise, the two of you have much in common and seek a third with similar interests, just a submissive demeanor, and some other interests they have you might not, which they could bring to your family. Just as with a single person relationship.. you have to maintain a line of quality, in the sand ;) If you allow that line to be windblown and misshappen.. then there's never a positive feeling of understanding from the other one. You must make sure she knows you care about her, and there's a place for her in your lives.

I know how difficult it can be to find a third. But I also know that talk of quitting, giving up, or feelings of doubt have no place in my life. I will become friends with as many as it takes, I will scour them for what it is I am seeking until I find that diamond for me amongst the coal of life. I have faith that the rest of you can and will find what it is you seek eventually, probably sooner than you think. Go gettem ;)

(in reply to shylittleheart)

Post #: 15

RE: A "line" in the sand - 7/2/2005 11:26:55 PM

HisAngel

Posts: 29
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

Because of the Bond you both have within yourself, when the right person comes along not only will your Master and you feel it, but she will feel it too..Remember you felt that he was the One for you and he felt it also..Trust your feelings

_____________________________

A Kind man Benefits himself,But A Cruel man brings trouble on himself.
~His Angel~

(in reply to shylittleheart)

Post #: 16

RE: A "line" in the sand - 7/3/2005 4:41:46 AM

ShiftedJewel

Posts: 634
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Because of the Bond you both have within yourself, when the right person comes along not only will your Master and you feel it, but she will feel it too..Remember you felt that he was the One for you and he felt it also..Trust your feelings

I'm sorry, but I really need to clarify something here.... Both my husband and I are Dominants, neither of us submit to the other, he is my husband and co-dominant. That is one of the issues.... it's difficult enough for a Master/Mistress and submissive to find a third/forth person and then continue on to have a smooth transition... my question here is, knowing that we are both Dominants, understanding that the submissive coming into the relationship would be the only submissive, how do we get past that wall? How do we develop it into a relationship that is equal to, if not greater, then a one on one "in love" type family relationship?

It seems to be easy for a submissive to "fall in love" with their Dominant and that's great, but how many of you would find that feeling the same way about a second Dominant would make you feel disloyal to the one?

See, this opens a whole new arena here. So called "sister" submissives are often times extremely devoted to one another, they are friends, confidants and playmates. Now, again, my question. How do you achieve the same relationship and comfort level between two Dominants and a submissive without blurring the Dominant/submissive dynamic?

Jewel

_____________________________

ShiftedJewel of PhoenixRisen

(in reply to HisAngel)

Post #: 17

RE: A "line" in the sand - 7/3/2005 7:23:03 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3610
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel

See, this opens a whole new arena here. So called "sister" submissives are often times extremely devoted to one another, they are friends, confidants and playmates. Now, again, my question. How do you achieve the same relationship and comfort level between two Dominants and a submissive without blurring the Dominant/submissive dynamic?

Jewel[/color]

The same way subs do it, with time, shared experiences and common goals. That's just the only way to strengthen relationships over time.

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)

Post #: 18

RE: A "line" in the sand - 7/3/2005 10:23:26 AM

kisshou

Posts: 704
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline

Another resource for this question would be with Gorean Free Women. I have seen many times where in a Gorean Free companionship there is also the dynamic of slave ownership within the relationship, played out in all different ways and forms.

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)

Post #: 19

RE: A "line" in the sand - 7/4/2005 10:06:59 AM

wolfspirits

Posts: 36
Joined: 6/7/2005
Status: offline

This Is Great, To See That There Are Others Out Here On CollarMe ,Like My Husband/MasterAnd I Am Submissive To Him ,We Are Very D/s . We Where Friends For Years Over 10 Before We Actually Married Infact We Were Married To Others At One Time. And We
Were In A Poly Family Together Along Time Before That. Now We Are Married To Each Other. We Have a Strong bond And Friendship, I Can see how others Might Feel Like a Third Wheel. We Have Not found Such A Woman Only Temporary, Searching, But Not Searching Anymore. What Will Come will Come ,It Will Happen One Day Im Sure

(in reply to SinTwister)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Polyamorous Lifestyles >> A "line" in the sand

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Collarchat.com is a member of the Free Speech Coalition

Terms of Service

0.102