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????? Detachment? - 2/15/2004 8:24:55 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 3834
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I have a question I'd like to ask here.

A few years ago...myself and my Dom were in Las Vegas. Walking around. Ever since first being together I have always held onto his belt loop...pocket..hand..or whatever.
He also has a chronic bad back. Somthing which requires surgery..but he has'nt had it yet.

This one day we were walking around vegas. I was holding onto his pocket. Instead of telling me he is having a bad back day. Or anything at all. He just snapped at me. Told me to stop doing what I was doing.
I was floored. I felt detached. That is the only word I can come up for it anyway. I could'nt think straight. Nothing...this went on for hours until we talked it through later on.
I have'nt felt that way since. He told me he never wanted to "detach" me ever again and he has'nt.
Anyway..been thinking about this lately as we are headed to vegas once again this coming week.
Is this feeling normal? I have never heard a sub talk about anything like this in any discussion group I've ever been in.
Just curious.

Gloria

Post #: 1

RE: ????? Detachment? - 2/16/2004 12:48:06 AM

Toya

Posts: 14
Joined: 2/1/2004
Status: offline

I can relate to this feeling totally and yes it is normal.

You feel like they have shut a door in your face and you don't know why. Its unnerving and can be quite scary.

If you are told the reason why you shouldn't do it, then it is much easier to understand and you don't get that pushed away feeling so much. But in the case of being snapped at, while it is easy to understand why they snap when you actually know... you are left feeling like you have stepped on toes.

Its one thing to have them withdraw when you have done something wrong but so totally another if you don't know why it is happening. Of course you now know that this could be an issue in the future and no doubt will be looking for other signs that will let you know when not to do it.

Toya
http://www.whisper.co.nz/subspace

(in reply to sub4hire)

Post #: 2

RE: ????? Detachment? - 2/16/2004 10:01:40 AM

EStrict

Posts: 730
Joined: 1/11/2004
Status: offline

I agree with Toya. Though, I see it more as feeling off balance. It is all of a sudden feeling unsure of yourself, because you have just been reprimanded for doing that which you have been taught is expected. And part of you can even fear doing anything,,, since even the normal is not allowed.

It's good that you talked it over, but who talked first? I have to admit, if something like that happens to me, my first question is *what's wrong? Are you alright Master?* By the way, my Master has had back problems when we first met, and he was much moodier when it hurt him. Luckily, his didn't require surgery. As soon as he lost 15 pounds it became an occassional twinge instead of thing that caused constant pain somedays.

It all boils down to the fact that the most important thing in any relationship is communication. And the fact that dominants are human's also. You have a wonderful dominant in the fact that he is willing to admit that the fault is his, even if it was not something he could control and to help you over your fears rather than take the *I'm the dominant and what I say 'at the moment' goes, and don't dare question it'* route.

Hope you enjoy your trip to Vegas. It's beautiful here this week.

Sandy

(in reply to Toya)

Post #: 3

RE: ????? Detachment? - 2/17/2004 2:14:24 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 3834
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Sandy,
Actually, I'm not sure which one of us talked first. I remember aimlessly wandering. He did'nt know what was wrong at first. He actually may have talked first. I just remember being up in the room at the Stardust...and he came in. Yeah, I'm sure it was him first.
Does that matter?
It did bother him as much as it did me. I think deep down it may have scared him. I mean in all reality I could have walked in front of a car and I would'nt have even noticed that day.
We;re still working on our communication. I think we communicate a lot better than many. We even host a group on couples communication. Helped a few people out.
Hope to help more as the years go by.

Anyway..thanks for the responses. Like I said I never really even knew if it was common or not.

Gloria

(in reply to EStrict)

Post #: 4

RE: ????? Detachment? - 10/26/2005 3:59:09 PM

MistressDREAD

Posts: 2326
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

good subject sub4hire. Id like to hear more peoples opinion on it.

_____________________________

♥I only need 4 kinds of Animals in My life♥
♥A Jaguar in My garage♥ ♥A Mink on My back♥
♥A few Lions in My bed♥ ♥A Jackass to pay for it all♥

♥~smiles evily~♥

(in reply to sub4hire)

Post #: 5

RE: ????? Detachment? - 10/26/2005 4:22:12 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 2651
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Yes it's normal. In fact in a class given by Jim and slave marsha about resolving conflict in Ms relationships, they went over almost exactly the same situation- he was feeling insecure and unsure and it led to him going into a depression and very much cutting himself off from her. Eventually she pretty much had to physically shake him and directly ask what was going on before he realized it.

Doms easily get into the idea that they have to be the strong ones, they have to supress weaknesses or insecurities. Of course, subs can easily think the same and/or reinforce that perspective.

In the end, as always, it is communication which really makes it work.

But your experience is extremely common, the good part is that you worked it out.

(in reply to sub4hire)

Post #: 6

RE: ????? Detachment? - 10/26/2005 4:41:22 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 3834
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

good subject sub4hire. Id like to hear more peoples opinion on it.

The post is over a year old, much more than that now. You still have never experienced anything like this Dread?

_____________________________

"The dumbest people I know are those who know it all."

Malcolm Forbes

(in reply to MistressDREAD)

Post #: 7

RE: ????? Detachment? - 10/26/2005 4:44:14 PM

justatoy2

Posts: 118
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline

i can really relate to this. There have been times when my Dom has done something that has hurt me and i withdraw. I become detached. Now i know he didn't do whatever on purpose, but it doesn't matter. Its like a door was shut in my face, and i have no where to turn. Usually it ends up we talk hours later and it is resolved, but until that point, i feel totally detached. Thank goodness it doesn't happen too often.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 8

RE: ????? Detachment? - 10/26/2005 5:01:10 PM

Wolfie648

Posts: 305
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Is this feeling normal? I have never heard a sub talk about anything like this in any discussion group I've ever been in.

Yes it is normal and it speaks highly of your desire to serve, at least to me.

To wander around for hours sounds like an extreme reaction compared to anything I've witnessed from what I have done to my girl (and I don't mean sub-space - I mean verbally punishing her for something and watching her crawl into herself and desperately wishing she was invisible and that she hadn't messed up in the first place).

I have done similar to what you describe (ie he wasn't aware at the time of how severe your reaction was) unintentionally, but now it's a tool for me to use when she has really pooched something badly. When I recognise that she's headed off to this place and I didn't mean for her to be there I let her know and try to stabalize her and bring her back.

D (owner of j)

_____________________________

Possibly.

(in reply to sub4hire)

Post #: 9

RE: ????? Detachment? - 10/26/2005 5:12:41 PM

Wolfie648

Posts: 305
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline

Off-topic post (on my part):

quote:

Yes it's normal. In fact in a class given by Jim and slave marsha about resolving conflict in Ms relationships, they went over almost exactly the same situation- he was feeling insecure and unsure and it led to him going into a depression and very much cutting himself off from her. Eventually she pretty much had to physically shake him and directly ask what was going on before he realized it.

This is the story they told us at our workshop as I remember it:

I don't remember the depression part but yes he was crawling into some sort of hole and basically ignoring her completely. She waited (worried/stressed) months before getting to the point where she slapped him across the face yelling "Where are you!" he grabbed her and said "I'm back, and if you ever hit me again...." well you can figure the rest out :-)

By the way if anyone ever has the opportunity to go to one of their workshops I would highly recommend it. Before I met them I thought I was the only one who was as extreme as me in my desires and uncomfortable with them. I wondered if I wasn't somehow insane (which I am but not in the psycho sense ;-) and I sure as heck didn't let on in my local community as to my thoughts. Even if it's not a topic you think you are interested in, it will not have been wasted time.

D (owner of j)

_____________________________

Possibly.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 10

RE: ????? Detachment? - 10/26/2005 5:44:24 PM

krikket

Posts: 380
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
Status: offline

i've had the same thing happen, but i never put the word "detached" on it. The word, however, describes what i've felt almost perfectly. There was also some hurt and confusion with it, and back when my self-esteem was pretty low, some quilt as well. i used to "assume" that no matter what, it was "my fault." Fortunately, like you, a good bout of communication helped me understand what had happened.

cheers
jimini

_____________________________

We could learn a lot from crayons: Some are sharp, some pretty, some dull, or have weird names, and all are different colors, but all have to learn to live in the same box.

Cor ad cor loquitur (Heart speaks to heart)

(in reply to sub4hire)

Post #: 11

RE: ????? Detachment? - 10/26/2005 6:27:34 PM

RiotGirl

Posts: 1752
Status: offline

Eh i've had similiar things happen. Usually i crawl into myself and wrap myself around myself so to speak. Lost is usually the feeling i associate with it. Lost alone bewildered. Unfortunetlyl its not hard for me to detach and usually results in y defenses going up.

_____________________________

"Someone's got to love the stupid ppl, but it sure isnt going to be me"

(in reply to krikket)

Post #: 12

RE: ????? Detachment? - 10/26/2005 9:34:17 PM

MistressDREAD

Posts: 2326
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Ive not stated that Ive not experianced such sub4hire. On the contrary
I actually give such experiances often to those I own. I simply desired
to see more on the subject and others opinions and experiances on such.

I enjoyed the name you attached to what I call mental deprivation and
is a kink I enjoy inflicting on those who I own and enjoy moving their
moods with swings to the sway of My tastes.

_____________________________

♥I only need 4 kinds of Animals in My life♥
♥A Jaguar in My garage♥ ♥A Mink on My back♥
♥A few Lions in My bed♥ ♥A Jackass to pay for it all♥

♥~smiles evily~♥

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 13

RE: ????? Detachment? - 10/26/2005 9:36:26 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 3834
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Ive not stated that Ive not experianced such sub4hire. On the contrary
I actually give such experiances often to those I own. I simply desired
to see more on the subject and others opinions and experiances on such.

I enjoyed the name you attached to what I call mental deprivation and
is a kink I enjoy inflicting on those who I own and enjoy moving their
moods with swings to the sway of My tastes.

What was it like then? How did they feel? How did you fix it?

_____________________________

"The dumbest people I know are those who know it all."

Malcolm Forbes

(in reply to MistressDREAD)

Post #: 14

RE: ????? Detachment? - 10/26/2005 9:38:43 PM

MistressDREAD

Posts: 2326
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

oh and for the record sub4hire
Ive had to deal with 5 hurricanes in the past year and a half and
well if Im a little bit behind in the posts thats been posted in such
a time that is My excuse for bringing up what I had missed in My
absence due to powers BEYOND My control. Ive only just begun.

(in reply to MistressDREAD)

Post #: 15

RE: ????? Detachment? - 10/27/2005 1:49:05 AM

ExistentialSteel

Posts: 392
Joined: 1/18/2005
Status: offline

It is common in life in general to have times when you are feeling detached. I studied writing before and there were warnings of post project depression. Sure enough, when my book was published, I was at a loss after two years of inspired work and would withdraw and not nurture my relationships.

Thinking about it, I realize it can happen with anything…an intense relationship or whatever. D/s certainly fits the bill with our highs and spacing of whatever persuasion to be the stimulus to create depressed moods after the fact.

_____________________________

For those who are like Roman Candles leaving bright trails in the night sky while the crowd watches until the dark blue center light bursts into magnificent colors and the crowd goes, ahhhhhhhhhh.

(in reply to MistressDREAD)

Post #: 16

RE: ????? Detachment? - 10/27/2005 8:31:37 AM

MistressDREAD

Posts: 2326
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

For those who are like Roman Candles leaving bright trails in the night sky while the crowd watches until the dark blue center light bursts into magnificient colors and the crowd goes, ahhhhhhhhhh

quote:

Look at fireworks making orange trails in the night sky and when the dark blue center light bursts into beautiful colors that make you go ahhhhhhhhhh, you will find me.

ThankYou Steel for taking Me there a moment.

_____________________________

♥I only need 4 kinds of Animals in My life♥
♥A Jaguar in My garage♥ ♥A Mink on My back♥
♥A few Lions in My bed♥ ♥A Jackass to pay for it all♥

♥~smiles evily~♥

(in reply to ExistentialSteel)

Post #: 17

RE: ????? Detachment? - 10/27/2005 11:43:27 AM

ExistentialSteel

Posts: 392
Joined: 1/18/2005
Status: offline

MDread, I just enjoy looking at your artistic symbols.

_____________________________

For those who are like Roman Candles leaving bright trails in the night sky while the crowd watches until the dark blue center light bursts into magnificent colors and the crowd goes, ahhhhhhhhhh.

(in reply to MistressDREAD)

Post #: 18

RE: ????? Detachment? - 10/27/2005 11:47:15 AM

Kasia

Posts: 442
Joined: 6/25/2005
From: The Coast of Adria
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4hire

I have a question I'd like to ask here.

A few years ago...myself and my Dom were in Las Vegas. Walking around. Ever since first being together I have always held onto his belt loop...pocket..hand..or whatever.
He also has a chronic bad back. Somthing which requires surgery..but he has'nt had it yet.

This one day we were walking around vegas. I was holding onto his pocket. Instead of telling me he is having a bad back day. Or anything at all. He just snapped at me. Told me to stop doing what I was doing.
I was floored. I felt detached. That is the only word I can come up for it anyway. I could'nt think straight. Nothing...this went on for hours until we talked it through later on.
I have'nt felt that way since. He told me he never wanted to "detach" me ever again and he has'nt.
Anyway..been thinking about this lately as we are headed to vegas once again this coming week.
Is this feeling normal? I have never heard a sub talk about anything like this in any discussion group I've ever been in.
Just curious.

Gloria

Many old threads are new to some of us, you know

Well, my hubby acts like your Dom did when he has stomach problems or when he is really too tired. But I dont feel "detached", I just snap back at him. Then he either whitdraws either we start one of our glorious fights (fortunatelly that doesnt happen too often). I hate people snapping at me for no (visible) reason, it provokes agression in me and I snap back in even more nasty way.

For me to do that, I have to feel that someone "occupies my personal space", i.e. like when people ask me questions I find too personal and dont want to discuss. But I have my warning signs - I get cold and distant and withdraw from communication. If someone doesnt notice that and keep pushing (people lack empathy so much), I feel that such one really deserves me snapping.
Or when I am in bad mood (usually when I wake up until I had at least 2 cups of coffee), if you just dont leave me alone I get very nasty. But that can too be foreseen - I look like a bad storm coming and I dont pay attention to anything around me.

So, in general, I think I have enough "warning signs" for almost anyone to notice and back up before I snap. And I do pretty much recognize the same with others..... so I dont recieve much snapping at all.

_____________________________

I DO have profile - just lost an S somewhere along the way

Kassia

(in reply to sub4hire)

Post #: 19

RE: ????? Detachment? - 10/27/2005 11:57:10 AM

sub4hire

Posts: 3834
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Many old threads are new to some of us, you know

I know but it was a valid question. Her last post here was a poll on
"do any of you want me here" In March. Lots of time to respond to my question prior to then.

I'm the type of person who wants to know why all of the time. I was born inquisitive. I've remained so.
It is good to see comments on it though. Still to this day I've not seen it mentioned in a discussion group. Not even my own, when I've asked the question. Most just say it has never happened to them.
I am actually thankful to her for digging it up, but still want to know why, does that make sense?

_____________________________

"The dumbest people I know are those who know it all."

Malcolm Forbes

(in reply to Kasia)

Post #: 20

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